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Is it just physical attraction?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mlpguy88, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. Mlpguy88

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    This could be me just thinking out loud, but it is something that has been on my mind. Is being in a relationship, same sex or opposite only based on physical attraction? I have never been in a relationship just so you know, so I don't know much. But I do realize that personality should be the most important factor, but are men and women really that different.

    I really hate the thought of people thinking that I like men simply because I want to have sex with them. I don't know how to feel about this, is personality really that different between men and women. Is the reason I don't want a girlfriend simply because I wouldn't want to have sex with her?

    I don't like to think that men and women are that segregated. Does anyone understand what I mean?
     
  2. prism

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    There was a thread kind of like this a few days ago. :slight_smile:

    But I get what you mean, and to be honest I don't know what the answer is. I think it's much more biologically complicated than "Oh, he/she is really hot!" We're wired to look for certain things in a partner. I'm not sure what rules apply for same sex couples, but studies show that heterosexuals unconsciously notice certain things that suggest increased fertility and health characteristics, like facial symmetry and body ratios.

    It can have something to do with gender roles, which would explain why most homosexual couples are comprised of an individual that is more masculine or feminine than the other.

    I think physical attraction plays a huge role, but there are a lot of non-physical characteristics that can be show through in a physical way. Our mannerisms and behaviors show a lot about our personality. While our brains process how attractive someone is on the surface, our brains unconsciously evaluate other aspects about the person that we might not initially pick up on.

    Hope this helps! In the end, you can be the most beautiful person on Earth and still be an asshole. I would never stay with someone who had a personality I couldn't click with.
     
  3. stumble along

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    Yeah, in short, your basically describing pan/bi/demi sexuality

    Not caring whats underneath the clothes just caring about the personality and the actual person..
     
  4. Mlpguy88

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    I need to confess why I made this thread. I am still considering trying to be straight, I want to know if it is possible for me to be happy with a women. I have no idea what it is like to be with someone so I don't know if it would be possible. If it is all about the physical aspect and we are essentially the same mentally then why should I just try to be straight, with the way I feel right now I don't really care if I ever have sex. And I sincerely doubt I will ever leave the closet anyway because I am terrified of being rejected by the people I care about. Maybe if the world would think I am straight then I wouldn't feel like a constant outsider. I have felt like an outcast ever since I was a kid and it is tearing me apart.

    This is a lost cause isn't it?
     
  5. Spatula

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    Any straight woman you date would want to have sex, and large amounts of it. They would feel pretty let-down if they developed an emotional attachment to someone who couldn't reciprocate.

    Sex doesn't have to be the most important thing in a relationship, but it is an important thing regardless. It's definitely up there. That and back massages, and emotional support, and all that other stuff.
     
  6. RainDreamer

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    You see, a large number of relationships ends up with sex (but not all) and it has made society to equate human connection to sexual acts - they can go together hand in hand, and having sex with the person you love can be consider the ultimate connection between two people. However, you have to remember, your desire for love, for companionship from someone, does not nescessarily mean you want to have sex with that person.

    Another thing, I understand that there is an enormous pressure on you to be straight from society. Try to ignore it for a short while. Just for a little bit, imagine if you have no one to judge about who you want to have a relationship with, sex or not, who would you choose?Don't think it is a perverted thing, it is more of exploring your own sexuality.

    If you truly think that you don't care if you ever have sex with anyone at all, and do not feel a desire to look for sex - this is somewhat hard to figure out, as sometimes it is something that is caused by hormones in your body to make you feel horny, but you do not really want to think that way - then I think you are more or less asexual, at least in the physical aspect.

    In anycase though, I would say this: Don't ever try to force yourself to conform with the world. You might pass for a while, but ultimately, you will feel a great sense of betrayal as you realize all you did was to lie to yourself and to the other people around you because you simply are not living as yourself. It took me more than 16 years to realize that.
     
  7. Brenny

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    Clearly there is a lot that goes into why we are attracted to who we are but really in the end, most of this is all based on biology and chemistry. Put simply, many men and women would not end up together if it wasn't for the physical attraction/chemistry/sex. I would not want a boyfriend if I wasn't interested in men physically. If that were the case, I'd be straight.

    A relationship without sex... sounds like a friendship. I don't know that true romance can exist without sex or sexual attraction. I'm just spouting out my opinions so... yeah. In short it ISN'T just physical attraction but that seems to be at least 50% of it, more in my opinion.
     
  8. BudderMC

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    In short, yeah, I think it's a lost cause. Because of a combination of this and other posts you've made before. Hopefully I can explain a bit though:

    I think saying that you "really don't care if you ever have sex" is really easy to say now when you haven't been in a relationship. I also think it's a really easy way to justify that you could be in a "straight" relationship. You could go your whole life in a relationship without ever having sex, but it probably wouldn't be as fulfilling as one where you could have sex.

    Let me put it this way: if you're not sure whether or not you'd want to have sex, wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where you have the option to rather than writing it off altogether?

    I think if you were to meet someone you found physically attractive and then connected with them on a deeper level, one day when you're feeling more hot and bothered you'd be up for it. Sex is just an action, but at risk of sounding cheesy, "making love" is so much more. There's a personal connection in that moment that I don't think you can replicate any other way (someone in a relationship, feel free to correct me on this if I'm wrong).

    Additionally, I think by this point you seem to know you're attracted to guys (call it gay or whatever you want). If you decide you're going to live "straight", you'll be lying about something that's core to your person every second of every day. It'll seem manageable the first little while, but it'll likely grow and grow to the point that it eats at you from the inside. I'm sure you've lurked around here enough that you've seen people denounce the ideas of lying about your sexuality since it's pretty hard to deny it forever.

    Let's theorize for a second here. You know you like guys, but you're going to date girls. So you meet a girl. You click with her on a bunch of levels, she's perfect for you. You don't ever want to have sex with her, and because she likes you enough she respects that. You get married, have kids, settle down. She decides after 15 years that well, she loves you, but she really really wants to have sex. You still can't have sex with her. She suggests having sex on the side; maybe that makes you uncomfortable. Now she's concerned why you're so adamant against having sex with her. Eventually this leads to a breakdown where you end up being honest and telling her you're actually into guys. Now she's probably feeling pretty hurt having been lied to all these years. I think in the best case scenario you'd still have to divorce and work out some dynamics with the kids, amongst all the other stuff (finances, etc.)

    Obviously that's an unlikely story, but the truth is that it happens; some of the older members here are living proof of that. I think the idea I'm trying to get across is that while facing your sexuality now is scary, odds are you're going to end up having to face it at some point in your life, and it's significantly easier to do it now rather than later. It's like ripping a Band-aid: you know it's going to suck, but the longer you draw it out the more it hurts. Not to mention if you can work past this hurdle now, that leaves the rest of your life you can genuinely enjoy for who you are.

    I'm sure most of us can attest to feeling at some point like we were never going to come out because we were terrified; and yet there's all of us here now who are out. It must be worth it to some degree if we all did it, right?

    EDIT: I wanted to touch on the feeling like an outsider bit. I also think that if you're actively acting "straight" (read: watching your behaviour like a closeted person would), you'll appear to fit in, but I don't think you'll necessarily feel that way deep down. I think you'll still feel like you're an outsider of sorts, because you have to intentionally put up this front. So even though at first it might resolve that issue, again, deep down it might eat at you eventually.
     
  9. 55

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    Mlpguy88!

    I know you've read my threads and posts. Please remember the pain that a lifetime in the closet can cause. If you've also read posts by members like Maxx, NomadicDave, Tracker57, Tom100, JimL, Kneedragger, and others, then you have had a glimpse in the mirror of your possible future.

    You say you're still considering trying to be straight. I think what you mean is considering trying to appear to be straight. We both know it's not a choice.

    I'm not telling you how to live your life, I respect any decision you make, but I think you know how I feel. Pretending to be straight for a lifetime takes a tremendous toll. You may end up feeling, like I did, that you sacrificed authenticity for a facade that is incredibly stressful to maintain. I have no regrets for coming out at an older age. I love my new life, but I know I would have enjoyed it more throughout the years if I had made better decisions, not choices, when I was your age.

    As far as sex goes. You know yourself better than anyone. I would submit though, that if you haven't tried it, not to write it off. It is an incredible experience that is made even more spectacular when you're with someone special.

    I hope this didn't sound too "preachy." I just get emotional when I see someone considering traveling down such a difficult path.

    All my best to you, Mlpguy88!

    :kiss:

    55
     
  10. Mlpguy88

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    I know what I am considering is a bad choice. But it is so hard to deal with, for once in my life I want to feel accepted. Maybe having someone to care about would give me a reason to want to wake up in the morning.

    I feel so pathetic, I have to deal with all these feelings on my own and it hurts. Being on this website is the only thing I look forward to during the day
     
  11. TheEdend

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    The thing is, you can feel accepted and loved even if you are gay. Families come around, friends understand and the world keeps on spinning. It isn't the death sentence that many of us imagine.

    Yes, we will always have people that hate us, but that's the burden we get for being human and not just gay. There are people that hate me because I'm hispanic or because I'm loud or because whatever. But there will always be people who will like you for the same traits.

    Your friends and family love you because you are you and not because they think you are straight. Don't give up on the idea :slight_smile:
     
  12. babyjax13

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    I understand the fear that you have right now, it's something that many of us share (and takes up a great deal of space on this forum from what I have seen). The worst thing you can do at this point is try to force yourself to "be" something. Just be what you are, be the person that you are. If you want to see if you can live a "straight" lifestyle, then do it. But if you find that that lifestyle isn't one you can adhere to, remember this: There will be plenty of people in your life who will reject you because of your identity, but there will be others who will embrace you for it. The people who matter most are the ones who still love you, even when they find out your secrets.
     
  13. Mlpguy88

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    I hate to say it but for me it could be. I only have a few people in my life that I am close to, and that is what keeps me going. If they were to hate and reject me for this I would probably just end it.

    I feel like such a bad person all the time
     
  14. TheEdend

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    You are not a bad person at all (*hug*)

    If you are as close as you say with them, then chances are that those people will come around and accept you for who you are.

    But, what about getting ready just in case you do come out and they don't accept you. Have you thought of that possibility? Maybe reach out to a support group or get other people that you can trust in before you come out to the most important people?
     
  15. Mlpguy88

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    It is hard to say. I don't have many people in my life that I am close to. I have never had many friends, and the few I can consider friends aren't really the people I can confide in. That is why I an so scared, I feel so alone and I don't want to risk losing the few connections I have.
     
  16. TheEdend

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    Mhm, I get that. I felt very similar to you before I came out.

    I would encourage you to think about going to a support group near you and see how you like the people there. Think about it like EC but in person. It might make you feel less alone than you feel now :slight_smile:
     
  17. Mlpguy88

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    I don't know about that. It could probably help but I don't know where to look. And most importantly I am afraid to do that in person, I am so grateful for this website because no one knows me in person. I really scares me having someone see my face and know I am gay because once it is out there it is out there for good.
     
  18. BudderMC

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    The thing is though, while it's terrifying to have someone know in person (trust me, I avoided the first person I told for 2 days straight afterwards, and we lived in the same house), that good feeling just snowballs. All you need is one good reaction to motivate you to tell another, and another, and another... then before you know it, you'll be out, and with a group of awesome, supportive people surrounding you.

    I know that's so much easier said than done, but you really do have to start it off somewhere. The question becomes: what's the smallest, easiest step after joining EC that you can take?
     
  19. dasazn

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    First off, a disclaimer - I didn't quite read all of the comments, so I apologize if I repeat something anyone has said.

    I don't think attraction is all about physical looks. For myself and a few other [bi] people I know, at least, it's more about the personality, and the gender/looks are secondhand. If you feel very comfortable around a particular girl, and think that there might be "chemistry" (or whatever they call it...), I'd say go for it. Don't feel pressured to go after a girl just because society says so, however - do what feels best for you.
     
  20. 55

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    How large is the community you live in? If it's small, how close is the nearest metropolitan area? Are you in college?

    If you have access to counseling services, I highly recommend finding someone to talk to - preferably someone with experience with LGBT issues.

    Since I've come out, I've found quite a few new friends that I don't have to hide anything from. They're deeper friendships than anything I ever had when I was hiding because they're people who really know ME.

    Please, please, please don't seriously consider harming yourself! Life will be beautiful for you, don't give up!

    (*hug*)

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