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How long does it take for the ire to subside?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Janos, Aug 10, 2012.

  1. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    Regular viewers of my various psychodrama posts on this forum will be aware of my last disastrous relationship, short version is I fell in love with an immature, emotionally cowardly user who cheated on me then tried to make me feel like it was my fault, he then treated me like shit until I eventually ended things all because he didn't have the guts to break up with me...he then moved on 5 weeks later.

    I tried to stay friends with him as I still had feelings for him despite it all but about 2 months ago most of my feelings for him subsided and I told him I wanted to make a clean break from him and cut him out of my life completely (got him to delete my number, blocked him on facebook, steam etc).

    Recently I accidentally saw his facebook profile whilst cleaning up my old Firefox pins and just the sight of his face threw me into another rage at him and everything he did to me so I guess I want to know how long it takes before that dies? How long does it take before the anger and rage for an ex who treated you badly goes away because I hate feeling this way..it's like he still has power over me despite me cutting him out...and I hate being so angry all the time about it.
    Thanks
     
  2. sanguine

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    I think its natural to have those feelings, the best cure is not to dwell on it too much, what happened has happened and cant be undone, just think of it as a lesson and move on.

    After all the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference, because to hate him means you still have strong feelings for him
     
  3. solost44

    solost44 Guest

    I think that in any situation that ended poorly (by no fault of your own) such as what you described it is the hurt you feel that fuels your anger. Sometimes the only way to move past the anger is learning to forgive the one that hurt you I know, it sounds ridiculous right! But the truth is that until you can learn to forgive, not forget, the anger you feel will continue to consume you preventing you from moving forward. As long as that anger is still there they will continue to have that hold. I hope this made some sense and that things get better.
     
  4. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    I guess...it's just so alien to me to be feeling this way, I've never felt so much anger or ire towards any of my other exes...although maybe it's because he was the first one I actually fell in love with...seems a bit of a bum deal to me that he can waltz away so easily :/
     
  5. Hawthorne

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    What sanguine is completely true, I still hate one of my ex's but I still love them dearly at the same time and this is years later like 3 or 4 years to be semi-exact but they do lessen quite a bit. It is hard when you see them or hear their voice or the name is mentioned it just is a hard bit to deal with. I hate the person for being a cheater and a liar and many other things that are not nice, but deep down I know I do care for their well being and I kinda stalk them a bit on facebook but in the end I know for myself I am in a better place with out them and it seems that you are as well and believe me the pain is nothing compared to the pain that could have been done had it not ended.
     
  6. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    Yeah I always thought that but the problem is that I did forgive him about 3 or 4 months back then realised the only reason I found it so easy to forgive them was because deep down I still had feelings for them, that's when I realised I had to cut them out of my life because they'd keep me from moving on but when I did that I end up feeling angry all the time I even hear his name...hell he was such a kingdom hearts fanboy I can't even play that series anymore without thinking of him and getting mad again :confused: sad as it is....

    I just wish I'd never met him
     
  7. solost44

    solost44 Guest

    I can understand what you are saying. Mending a broken heart is never easy and it is wrong when people we care so deeply for End up hurting us. But i am a firm believer that things happen to us for a reason. We don't always understand the reason why and it can really frustrate the hell out of us. It is a testament of your strength though that you were able to forgive him and by doing so you will be able to move forward. Maybe not as quickly as you would like to, but it will happen. I think in the grand scheme of things it just means this guy just wasn't the right one for you. Somewhere out there you will meet the right guy who will be able to love you like you deserve. Be patient my friend!
     
  8. Bobbgooduk

    Bobbgooduk Guest

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    The tipping point between love and hatred is sometimes very close. You hate him because you love him and it still hurts that he hurt you. The two emotions are akin to each other and there is no real logic how we can love someone one minute, then hate them, then love them again.

    This guy really hurt you and abused your trust. You realize you have to move on and the only way to do that was to cut him out from your life. Unexpected reminders are bound to take you by surprise - it's only human, especially as it is still fairly fresh in your mind.

    In 10 years time, I wouldn't be surprised if you started deliberately "trawling" the internet to see if you can find out what he's up to. You'll still think he was a jerk for the way he treated you, but it won't stop you being curious about the "what ifs" - we're only human!

    Give yourself time, try not to go places you might be reminded of him (like mutual friends on Facebook - just don't look who they're friends with for a while) and find yourself a new distraction. (*hug*)
     
    #8 Bobbgooduk, Aug 11, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2012
  9. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    What Bobbgooduk said is very true. From personal experience, the key is not to avoid thoughts that you're deliberately trying to avoid, but to face it head on.

    You may have feelings for him still, but in life we do not go after everybody whom we have feelings for, and you need to seek the counsel of your thinking mind, rather than the emotional mind, so that you can rationalize and remind yourself why you may not want to be with him.
     
  10. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    Thanks for the advice, I already have gone over the rational reasons for why I don't want to ever go near him again things is the emotional reasons always seem to take centre stage, like when I think of him I can label all the rational reasons why I don't want to be around him but anger seems to be the main thing I feel above any rational discourse.
    It's not that I can't move on with someone else, I'm over my ex (i.e. I never want to be involved with him again) but I'm not over what he's done.

    I guess I was just wondering if its normal to still feel so angry and hateful 4 or 5 months after a terrible breakup, I always worry my friends think I'm pathetic for still being angry at him.
     
  11. Bobbgooduk

    Bobbgooduk Guest

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    It's possible to be angry at someone for years - the trick is not to allow it to eat at you and prevent you from moving on.

    Your friends will understand you were hurt and disappointed. (*hug*)
     
  12. malachite

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    simple answer: never.

    There will always be that feeling of betrayal. I'd say distance yourself. This poisonous person is out your life now, let it stay that way.

    You should also try to find an outlet for that rage.

    A workout, a video game, a punching bag.