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I'm about ready to explode

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Silvails52, Aug 10, 2012.

  1. Silvails52

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    I'm just trying to get stuff off my chest. You don't have to read this, but I'm warning you, it will be long.

    Normally I don't let my feelings get the better of me. I usually don't get upset or angry. But today, every little thing was riding on me. My parents and sister have been telling me I spend too much time on the computer. A lot of the time, I'm here, but I can't tell them. Some of the time I'm on Facebook, talking to my friends about what's been happening to me. They don't know I'm gay and I can't tell them. I can't tell them anything that's been happening to me lately. I wish I could tell them. I wish I could explain what I'm feeling and why I get so crabby.

    I've seen more drama this summer than I had before. It's all starting to get to me. I used to be able to talk to a friend face to face But I moved and I can only IM or text them. That doesn't help as much as really talking. Sure, I have Skype, but I can't say anything out loud. My family can't find out I'm gay. Not yet, at least. They wouldn't handle it well and I'm going off to college next Friday. I'm so afraid they'll react badly enough that they'll cut my tuition. Not to mention my sister is pretty homophobic. All of them are strongly Christian and I don't think they could handle me being gay. They view any homosexual romance as disgusting and sinful.

    Today, I was feeling crabby from lack of sleep and my sister kept pestering me every time I opened my laptop. Bothering me, asking, no, demanding if I was going on Facebook. I wanted to scream at her, telling her I couldn't deal with what I was going through alone. I needed my friends and Facebook was the best way I could talk to them. With my family not knowing about me, that's pretty much the only way I could communicate with them. I had moved three hours away from everyone I know.

    Today, I was feeling so upset, and I wanted to just melt down. But I couldn't anywhere near them. That would provoke lots of questions I can't answer truthfully. And if I did answer, it would take a while for me to make something up that seems possible. They would see right through that. I did break down a little, but it was in my room, away from all of them. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to put up with it all before I melt down in front of them. Hopefully, I'll last until next Friday. That's when I move into college. I would like to see some sort of therapist there, and hopefully come back stronger.

    It's just been so stressful for me. All the feelings and emotions are stuck inside of me. I can't let them out the way I need to. I don't have any friends in the area and there's no way for me to go down to see the ones I do know. There's no way for me to let everything out that I've been feeling. I'm just so down right now. And there's almost no way to bring me back up.
     
  2. Gipsy

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    Hmm, I'm going to try to answer this because no one has yet and I feel bad. If there's any way you can step your game up and get some courage to come out to people that you need to come out to, don't be afraid to take risks. I mean I'm sure there's no specific date to where you have to already come out to them. You have all the time you need, and if there's people other than your parents whom you need to come out to, then do so when you feel like you're ready to. Remember that you choose your friends, but you don't choose your parents. So if they're not accepting of you, then you can easily let them go because you don't need people like that. If they are then that's good for you, because maybe they can support your back for when your next step is to come out to your homophobic parents. I understand this is stressful but try not to ponder too much over it, and you don't always need to take drastic steps, you always have the option of taking baby steps. And if you feel like it'll help then give out hints that you're gay to your friends, whether you think big or little hints are good.

    Hope I helped in the slightest.
     
  3. J Snow

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    You are in a shitty situation, and its one that a lot of us have been in. I was a Catholic school kid. I came out as gay to my parents and then never accepted it. In a way, I'm in the same boat as you now. They don't know about me being transgender and I feel as though I HAVE to keep it a secret it from them until I finish school in another year.

    Literally every time I speak to my mother she is telling me to get a haircut, which I don't want to do because since I can't start transitioning its like the one thing I get to hold on to. She still makes comments about gay people, and still don't want me to tell my sisters, even though one is about to be a senior in high school.

    I wish I could help you in some greater way. Give you advice, but coming out to homophobic parents sucks. It just does. There is no way around it. There is no guarantee that they will ever come around to the idea (Its been almost 2 years and mine haven't). Only you can decide when the time is right.

    Until then I wish you the best of luck (*hug*)
     
  4. Derpette

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    I understand this is not easy for you, I'm kind of in the same situation. Even though my friends and sister know, my parents don't and I find it more and more difficult to hide everything that would make them suspect. Sometimes it's hard not to melt down right in front of them in tears and tell them everything I keep inside. They would ask me stuff and I know for sure that they don't really want to know the answers.
    With all that I wanted to say that you're not alone, be strong. It'll get better eventually.
     
  5. Silvails52

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    Well, my parents aren't totally homophobic. It's quite a double-standard. My grandmother became really good friends with two older gay guys (no, they aren't together). My family seems to tolerate them. They invite us over once in a while and my parents seem to have a good time. They also watched The Birdcage (a comedy about a gay couple) and loved it. But whenever there's a gay kiss, they close their eyes in disgust.

    Fedimex, I've come out to a lot of my close friends. All of them were very accepting of me. But I don't know anyone in the new area. Yes, I have been dropping hints at home, but they're really subtle. I'm so stressed right now and hiding being gay from my parents is driving me insane. I don't want to leave on a bad note, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep it together.