Just need to get this out there.

[kumpel]

I dont have anyone i can say this to. im hoping writing this here will atleast help me even if im sharing it to anonymous people on the internet.

long story short. i fell in love with my best friend. weve known each other for four years (met during travels) and have traveled together since weve met.

not sure if anyone here has backpacked and traveled for months and in some cases a year. but spending that much time together, you form a special bond. our mutual friends call us an old married couple by how we act.

hes really a good guy. and it just sucks that i started having these feelings for him. and even though i know he loves me too, its not the same love i have for him. we recently got back from a trip together backpacking for 2 months.. hes still traveling and im at home.

IM REALLY DEPRESSED.. lethargic. i dont go out and lay in bed all the time. not like me at all.

we usually talk everyday on skype or through fb.. about our day. etc. he talks about the new friends he meets and i get jealous. i get angry. i get depressed. he has no clue.

i want to cut off contact with him because of the feelings i have. but after coming across this forum i realized its not his problem. hes a good guy. a good friend. and its just something i have to deal with.

im sure alot of people are in this situation. for me it like rubbing salt in the wound everytime we talk.

it would be a lot easier to just cut off contact but it wouldnt be fair to him. he doesnt deserve it.

thanks for listening.

[Lance]

You are right, it wouldn't be right to cut him off. Since he does love you as a friend, that would hurt him pretty bad and leave him confused. All you can really do is just try and put your deeper feelings aside and enjoy your friendship with him. I know that's hard, I've been there, but not much else can really be done since he doesn't see you the same way since I assume he's straight.

[kumpel]

thanks for the response lance. yeah hes straight. but so was i until i met him. so what does mean? hahah it just sucks. youve been there so you know its pretty much like torture right?

[Lance]

Yes I will admit that it is a bit tortuous, but at the end of the day, I realized that it's just not worth beating myself up over someone that will never feel the same as I do. All of that energy can be put into other stuff or people that I could actually have something with. Were you never curious about the same sex at all at any point in your life prior to him?

[Bobbgooduk]

How do you know he's 100% straight?

It would be unfair to him to break off a friendship which obviously means such a lot to both of you - if you talk every day and your friends say you're like a married couple AND he's cool with that notion, you don't really know whether he's bi and might be interested in developing your friendship further.

If it nags at you, and you'd consider ending your friendship anyway, what have you got to lose by telling him how you feel? If he's uncomfortable or unwilling, you know for sure and you can them both decide what you want to do after.

In a way, I feel as if you're making a decision for both of you, if that makes sense. At least let him have an opportunity to contribute to the discussion.

[kumpel]

well i have to admit that when i was in primary school i did do some things with friends. but its just play. and up until now ive just had girlfriends. im not the kind of person that qualifies/quantify? myself into gay or straight. Im not attracted to alot of people ive realized and when i fall in love i dont think it matters if its a guy or girl. this time it just happens to be my best friend. hahah im not freaked out. just hurt.

but to me love is love.

[Lance]

That's great to hear that you're comfortable and more of a "free spirit." As Bob said, are you 100% certain that he's straight? Has he ever given off any type of "more than a friend" vibe at some point?

[Bobbgooduk]

Why hurt - you haven't given him the opportunity to say how he feels.

I think you're anticipating what the answer would be (perhaps correctly) but if it's making you unhappy, you have to address the issue.

[kumpel]

Originally Posted by Bobbgooduk

How do you know he's 100% straight?

It would be unfair to him to break off a friendship which obviously means such a lot to both of you - if you talk every day and your friends say you're like a married couple AND he's cool with that notion, you don't really know whether he's bi and might be interested in developing your friendship further.

If it nags at you, and you'd consider ending your friendship anyway, what have you got to lose by telling him how you feel? If he's uncomfortable or unwilling, you know for sure and you can them both decide what you want to do after.

In a way, I feel as if you're making a decision for both of you, if that makes sense. At least let him have an opportunity to contribute to the discussion.

well im not sure if he is 100% straight.. are any of us? (wrong question to ask here i guess =])

haha yeah he is cool with the married couple notion. he both laugh about it. like i said we are very close. were both very physical but not to any sexual capacity.

ive have considered several times to tell him about my feelings about him. just say that i love him. btw ive actually i said i love him and he said he he loves me back. but we always say it a buddy type way. theres a bit of a language barrier since hes polish. and catholic. (he goes to church every sunday even when we are traveling) so even if he is bi then the point is still mute..

ive written several letters ive never sent.. i think when or if i do tell him it would have to be face to face.. im confused. just get a message from him saying he misses me and asked whether i wanted to visit him for christmas. hahah this situation is f*cked up. but funny

---------- Post added 11th Aug 2012 at 12:49 AM ----------

im hurt cause i know nothing can happen. hes never going to leave poland and hes never going to go against his religion. like i said i know him. if i tell him. i know how he will react. he will the good guy he always is and be very open and accepting. we will still be friends but nothing will happen. im not sure if his religion will come into play. the only time we argue is when we talk about religion.. so who knows. it might ruin our friendship.

[Bobbgooduk]

If it hurts, it's not funny to you.

Being a Polish Catholic actually means as much as being "gay" - we are all sooo different, have different perspectives, likes, dislikes, politics, interests. His going to church is as much to do with the tradition he's grown up with as it is with personal faith.

You're name is Kumpel (mate or companion in German) he obviously has that same bond with you and feels comfortable around you, being physical with each other. If he felt awkward, he'd avoid these situations, but he doesn't.

If you can't tell him in person, finish one of your letters and send it. It will get it off your chest and it will give him the chance to set your mind at rest, one way or the other.

If he says NO, but I want to carry on hiking with you, are you happy to resign yourself to close friendship only?

[kumpel]

he does have strong opinions about Catholicism. and no hes not shy at all. hahah im not sure whether its just his personality. some people are just physical. like me. and hes very friendly.

i dont doubt we are close and yes we have a strong bond. yes we are Kumpels (its what we call each other)

im going to see him again this christmas i think. if im going to tell him id rather it be face to face. it will be akward since i would be staying with him.. if the answer is no ill be trapped hahah literally .

i did want to send the letter. just to get it over with and move on.. but face to face is better.

---------- Post added 11th Aug 2012 at 01:07 AM ----------

..i just wanted to add that when i got back and depressed everytime we talked.. i decided to write him a letter saying that i was going to be "gone" for a while and need some time away from him.

his response was that he was confused and hurt and didnt understand why. he said that he would respect my request for some space but wouldnt gaurantee that he wouldnt try to get in contact within a couple of days.

i dont get it..

[GDUSA]

Definately should let him know how you feel about him. I just wouldn't use the word "love" when you do tell him. You can tell him in person or by email etc. whatever makes you feel comfortable that you have feelings for him and it's more than friends. It's bugging you and why should it affect you anymore. You gotta know the truth and you can let him know that you want to remain friends no matter what. If he says that hes straight and just was being friends with you then you gotta just accept that. It's hard but it's happened to me recently.

I had (still do) feelings for a guy who was bisexual and he asked out of the blue one day to exchange nude pics one day. He then said that he thinks that he's only going to date women for now on. Completely hurt me but I just let him know how I felt about him. I knew how hurt he's been by women in the past. I talk to him everyday. I am going to be good friends with him no matter what but it was hard. It made me move on though. I think your situation is somewhat similiar but you don't know what his sexuality is.

[Lance]

Originally Posted by kumpel

his response was that he was confused and hurt and didnt understand why. he said that he would respect my request for some space but wouldnt gaurantee that he wouldnt try to get in contact within a couple of days.

i dont get it..

That's kind of cute, his response.

I think part of that could be used for when you tell him how you feel. You could start off with something like "remember when I wrote you saying I needed time away from you...." and then begin to explain yourself and how you feel.

If you're going to do it on your visit to him, maybe do it 2-3 days before you're about to leave so in case it does not go how you like, then there isn't a very long time you have to spend there and be awkward. But at the same time if it does go well, then it gives you a little bit of time to sort stuff out and talk.

[Bobbgooduk]

Aww! At the very least, he loves you as a brother. If you had a brother who wrote and said "I vont to be alon" you'd wonder what you'd done wrong, wouldn't you?

Being depressed means you miss him and his company - I know, that's obvious - he probably misses you too, which is why he can't promise to leave you in peace.

He sounds like a really good friend to hang on to.

I understand you wanting to speak to him personally - does he live alone or will you be staying with his family?

Are you religious? Roman Catholic. I take it you're not Polish - he just sounds very accepting, and even if he can't answer your love for him, he's a keeper.

[kumpel]

thanks GDUSA. i gotta say this forum does help. Ill hold on until next time i see him. if the feelings are still there then fine.. if not then that alright too. hes my best friend and i dont want to lose him.

weve seen each other naked (like i said were not shy) communal showers and weve even shared the same bed. (i feel i can be completely honest since this is anon and hopefully adults) there is no question that there is physical attraction on both sides. im just not sure whether a relationship would be possible.

---------- Post added 11th Aug 2012 at 01:32 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Bobbgooduk

He sounds like a really good friend to hang on to.

I understand you wanting to speak to him personally - does he live alone or will you be staying with his family?

Are you religious? Roman Catholic. I take it you're not Polish - he just sounds very accepting, and even if he can't answer your love for him, he's a keeper.

yes hes the best which is the reason why i feel this way. hahha hes just a really good guy.

i grew up catholic also but im not practicing like him. he lives with his mum. ive visited his home 3 times now so his family knows me well.

i know hes a keeper. if i do tell him. i just hope his religious convictions arent that set in stone

[kumpel]

Update: Broken Heart.

so i finally told him today. he told me he met someone. after our last trip he kept traveling and met someone in chicago. i cant believe it! i feel numb. spent the last three hours walking around like a zombie. i just feel numb. i just want to sleep and never get out of bed.

[jvn95]

I'm really sorry, I really am.

Having a broken heart is very sucky.

I suggest you get some sleep. And for the next couple of days(If your able to) comfort yourself.

It will be okay. At least you got it out, and now you can work on moving on.

-Best wishes

[kumpel]

thanks jvn. yeah the situation is just messed up. it hurts that he doesnt feel the same way about me. and add insult to injury he met a GUY! (his first guys btw) right after we parted.

[Lance]

Originally Posted by kumpel

thanks jvn. yeah the situation is just messed up. it hurts that he doesnt feel the same way about me. and add insult to injury he met a GUY! (his first guys btw) right after we parted.

Oh my goodness! That is terrible and quite a low blow that he found a guy after all this confusion regarding his sexuality. At the very least, you put yourself out there, so that says something and takes a lot of courage and should make you feel just a little bit better and relieved! You might have lost with this guy, but there are plenty more out there buddy, probably even better! I know that is hard to realize at this time, but you just have to move on if the feelings aren't reciprocated.

[kumpel]

thanks lance. it does make me feel better somewhat to know how he feels. but i still feel like shit. i told him that i needed some time away from him (not that he would care) i just need to get over it.

the thing is he is still a good guy. and i would hate to lose him as a friend. but right now i think hes a prick of the highest caliber.