New Lesbian :smilewave --At a cost.

My name is Rachel, I am sixteen years old, in grade 11, I live in a small city in Ontario
and I am a Lesbian!
Of course, I am aware there is nearly always a struggle when coming out to your friends, family and loved ones. The other day I was once again in deep thought and I came across this wonderful place, I've read a lot of these stories and hope to reply to some when I feel that I'm in a good enough place to give advice to others. I have a story that I'd like you to read and please, please give your input on for support. I guess you could say this is my coming out/how I discovered I was a gay lady story.

In the beginning of grade eight I met my perfect boyfriend Jordan. We started talking on facebook, arguing in these cute little statuses. I began talking to him more at school and after school I'd run straight to the computer, hoping to god he was on and I wouldn't even be able to use a chair from the jitters, I'd have to stand. :roflmao: I know it sounds like a very cliche way to meet "the one", as I thought, but for gods sake... it was real. I talked about him more and more until eventually people caught on, and then my good friend Christine helped me tell him I liked everything about him. I remember I cried when I was told he liked me back . Classmates always told me ridiculous things like it was wrong to like Jordan, because of our social 'status' or that it was just another relationship, which they underestimated greatly because We've been together now for two years and eight months with only one issue, bliss. I was comfortable, happy in every way and I learned SO much from him. I'll be the first to say he's not the most attractive person but I was undoubtedly head over heels. The difference between Jordan and other guys is his sense of realism, common sense, deep infatuation for music, respect, interest and knowledge in general. By that I mean the guy would watch documentaries in his spare time, didn't do drugs by any means, never cheated, and knew what loved me without one complaint. And please, don't read this as another puppy love rant. It is the REAL love. The accepting, forgiving, devoted, healthy, always new, affectionate, whole, painful, undying and beautiful Love that brought us both to tears. Through those two years he learned who I was inside out, he was aware that I was bisexual since the apparent age of 5 years old, knew my family problems and memories, knew how my mind worked. My Dad raised me and I don't exactly have the best relationship with him but that's an entirely different topic. As a result I developed a very guy like personality even though my outer shell was girly. I was never the mushy, chick-flick loving, type or in any way an overly emotional person. Within these two years he just got better, and after a year I was comfortable enough to lose my virginity to him. A fact about Jordan- he has anxiety, depression, sleeping and family problems which I clearly made a shitload of difference to his life. More and more I am noticing our views, dreams and view of the world are leading us into two completely different worlds.


About six months ago I caused our one and only issue. I began waking up every morning with thoughts of women and my past experiences with Christine. I'd dated girls before, but I was missing the thought of kissing Christine. About a month into the relationship and before graduation she swore if I ever broke up with him I'd be hers. I went to sleep at night thinking about women, and every lesbian I knew. Until I tried to stop thinking, because I was frightening myself. Then the night turned into sleepless hours of holding my pillow to my ears, rivers of tears and the odd time, without even realizing I would stand up, look in the mirror and angrily whisper "I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay." If I was to explain how that makes a person feel: sick to the stomach, fatal, it gives you headaches and you travel to a lonely dark place. I woke up, and the horrible feeling would still be there. I probably did drive myself off the edge because I borrowed my friend Shayla's series "The L Word" (unrealistic but entertaining), I cut off all my beautiful hair and colored it blonde, god help me. All the while things, as always, were not smooth at home. So you can imagine. :tantrum:

Eventually I had to lift some of the weights off of my chest, so through a text I told my best gal Tayler what was going on. She seemed too caught up in the moment to show me her full acceptance. When that wasn't enough, I started calling Shayla (who is a Lesbian herself) in the nighttime and we would talk about it. I lead myself to something I wasn't ready for, despite my strong love for Jordan, I couldn't stop myself. It was like I was possessed. Shayla and I started hooking up. The first time, only I got the action because it didn't last long before I broke down. She wanted me to break up with Jordan and be in a relationship with her, and I wanted to. But I was too heartbroken so early into all of this that I couldn't bring myself to do what I said I'd done- Tell my boyfriend and go right into the relationship with her. I did try to tell Jordan I was gay, though, but not about the hookup. And, that was the most painful thing out of all the unbelievably tough shit I've been through. What we thought was "talking about it" went on for the next two weeks. At school though we would still kiss, cuddle ect in the hallways which I knew was bad for me. I ended up pulling a dick move and I just nonchalantly dropped Shayla's friendship all together to be with him because he convinced me, and for the first time in a while I had rest. :tears: I was SO fucking afraid of hurting him. I had a minor setback that I didn't tell anyone about except the people I lived with, eventually they being the people they are supported me half-ass and called me things like a 'confused bitch'. My gay cousin helped me out seeing as she had a guy obsessed with her when she discovered her sexuality. Even though that was grade A advice, it didn't help me much.

Like I said that was six months ago and I did damn good at avoiding the thought. Jordan and I picked up where we left off, talking about college, a family, happiness, and I broke down in the shower a few times when I thought about how much I didn't deserve someone as genuine as him. We had deeper and more open conversations since then. Until last month, Shayla messaged me. I must have subconsciously known what I was getting myself into when I replied. We talked as friends, until one night. In the blink of an eye I was back in that place again. Except, to my surprise, it wasn't at all uncomfortable, guilt filled, distracting, painful or wrong in any way to me. This time around, I did a little of the action. It took one simple time to make me realize, vagina was AMAZING. As we had more sleepovers I noticed things happened differently than with Jordan, I personally LIKED it more, just making out made my legs quiver when I walked. I didn't mention anything to her though, not yet. But we were totally comfortable in public together.

Then I started posting lesbian-like things on my tumblr. He noticed one night as he decided to look at my tumblr for once. He in a way broke down, questioned me. So I think he knows what's coming. I told my other sister like friend Kaley what was going on, since her Shayla and I were like the three muskateers. On a peaceful walk to the store I told her this:
"Don't tell Shayla anything until I do. I'm a gay lady. It's not a repeat of last time, so don't worry about me hurting. I am so blissfully comfortable and sure of it. No, Shayla and I aren't dating, but I'm excited to start my gay life anyways. I am the only thing keeping him from moving with his uncle in Brampton, and if he doesn't have me he sure as hell wont stay. I'm not worried about what he thinks as ready as I feel, and with his family's support he wont do anything stupid, and surely he'll heal. I'm coming to churchill next year, so I get to start a WHOLE new path! Please, tell me what you think."
and I must've sounded sure too because she took it very well. I thought into it as deeply as old people as a gay or straight couple.

That night, Kaley slept over and in the middle of the night she went to mcdonalds for us, in that time Shayla messaged me making it sound like Kaley had said something. I said, what do you want to know? She goes...everything. So I told her exactly as I did Kaley, and she replied with this.
"But uknow I really want u even thow u hurt me I still really want u for some reason...I can't help it... Ur just everything I want in a girl and u make me extremely happy and everything else...and I think we would be great together!
And I know I make u happy. Can u call me cause I'm confused.. just so I can understand. Dont care if kaley hears"
TOTALLY the opposite of what I was expecting, we talked, Kaley was fine, we laughed...and I promised her something like a relationship in a month or two because I honestly would like that. New school, new girlfriend, new first impressions.

Jordan will be back from Brampton any day now. And when he does get home, I'll go see him as if we were just hanging out. To tell him, because he deserves to know and I can't let this go on any longer-airgo :eusa_naug
Thing is, my way of telling him last time was through tears on my front door steps, and I feel like he was still so hopeful for us because I WAS crying and I WAS hurt. I want to do it differently this time, but I need help and advice on how to break it to him without completely loosing touch. Because, I do love him as a person and I don't want to stop talking to him. Maybe this time, he'll believe it more when I seem comfortable enough to say it without seeming so broken.

Thank you SO much for taking the time to read this as I have taken the time to write it (*hug*)

 

Thank you both and I will be sure to say what happens <3