help opening up...

[i need help]

i just dont know how to let anyone in. i am talking to this seamanly great guy but like all the other ones i get really chatty and it all seems great and then when it gets time to spend time or get personal i FREAK the out. i have no clue why this is, this seems to happen all the time, i cant blame it on anyone but myself.

i just wish i new what to do so i can trust. i think that it all boils down to that. i cant trust then enough not to hurt me. i dont think that there was ever any reason for me to have trust issues.

i guess that if this guy is really interested in me that i just need to talk to and explain what im feeling and he will take time and go slow with me, right...

i guess im just looking for some confirmation. i dont know what i need

[Jim1454]

Sorry you're feeling this way. I don't think you need to explain that you have trust issues and you're worried that you're going to freak out on him or anything. That might send him heading for the hills.

But you COULD tell him that you're new to relationships (true?) and that you'd like to take things slow (true?) but that you really like him (true?).

It's a challenge - because we're all different. Someone else's 'slow' is lightning fast for you - which freaks you out.

How exactly do you 'freak out'? At what point in the relationship? Making plans to meet in person? When things seem to be getting serious? When things might get physical?

[i need help]

Most of the time its the making plans to meet in person. I have met him once an was crazy nervous. And that night we had talked about us being nervous. He had just come over to my house it was just the two of us and we just kinda floated around the house watched some videos and played super Nintendo. It was amazing. But I'm just like Ahhh and I dint know what to do

[lazyboy]

Wow.

So it was amazing while you were just floating around playing Super Nintendo? Why don't you just stick with that for awhile? You know, stay in situations where you can both be relaxed. Move very gradually from there.

It sounds to me like the way you've built this up in your mind is probably more frightening than it really is.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by i need help

i just dont know how to let anyone in. i am talking to this seamanly great guy but like all the other ones i get really chatty and it all seems great and then when it gets time to spend time or get personal i FREAK the out. i have no clue why this is, this seems to happen all the time, i cant blame it on anyone but myself.

i just wish i new what to do so i can trust. i think that it all boils down to that. i cant trust then enough not to hurt me. i dont think that there was ever any reason for me to have trust issues.

This is a really, really common problem, and not just among LGBT people. What it boils down to is a fear of emotional intimacy. And that (and the trust issues you mention) ultimately is underpinned by shame. All of us have it, and the less we talk about it or own it, the more we have it.

See, the shame is, at its core, a deep fear that we won't, can't or don't deserve to "belong"... in this case, belong to someone worthy of going out with. We find someone we like and so, unconsciously, there's a message playing saying "He'll never go for you. You're not worthy of someone like him" or some variation of that. So... to protect you from finding out you're "right", you basically push away whenever the opportunity for intimacy/emotional closeness arises. That way, you protect yourself from ever having to be hurt.

But, as you see, the cost of this is high. You can never get close to anyone, because you keep them at arm's length and never fully let them in, and if they start getting too close, or too attached, you run the other way... again, to avoid getting hurt. This is basically a way of cutting off your vulnerability. Which sucks, because only by being vulnerable can we feel love, connection, closeness, creativity... pretty much all of the emotions that make us human and allow us to lead rich, fulfilled lives.

So what's the solution? Well first, there's no magic potion. But the very first thing is to acknowledge the shame, the messages inside. Because as soon as you expose the shame, talk about it, own it... it starts losing its power. And as you acknowledge it, then your trust issues, your self esteem... all of those things start changing because you've shifted the messages from being in the unconscious to being in the open, so you can counteract them.

I highly recomend checking out Brené Brown's TED talks. In your case, I'd start with this one:

+ YouTube Video

If that resonates with you, I'd recommend getting either "The Gifts of Imperfection" or, if you wait a couple of weeks, her brand new book, "Daring Greatly." Both are really good; at the moment, I feel like Daring Greatly is just amazing -- I got an advance copy couple of days ago -- but those will give you some really good places to start.

And, just talking about the issues here is one of the best things you can do.