Heartbroken for my best friend

Hi, I've been looking for a place to look for advice, and heard in several websites about this forum, so I thought I would give it a try.

I'll try to tell all that happened that caused this broken heart.

I'm a 24 years old gay male. A few months ago I developed a crush on my best friend... who is straight. He knows that I'm gay, our relationship is kinda like what people call bromance. He and I live in different cities, so we mostly see each other on weekends or wednesday (we both agreed to leave wednesdays free of any obligation to be able to meet since some weekends we can't meet for work or studies).

Sometimes we stay on the other's house (we live with out families to we usually only do that when one's family is out for some reason), in which case we sleep in the same bed, after a while he started to put his arm for me to sleep over. That and other little gestures made me start to fall for him.

A month and days ago I went to stay on his house. When we went to bed, it was cold (it's winter here), he started to cuddle a bit more affective than usual on me, massaging my upper body under my pajama shirt, saying "I'm trying to warm up".

After a while we settled down to sleep, he put his arm around me and pulled me near, I felt something hard... I thought it was his hand, then I realized one arm was around me and he was scratching his nose with the other hand. It was his hardon...

I by accident or by reflect touched it for a second, he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him... I was... am totally nuts for him, I said "sure... is it okay if it's only oral?". He said that it was okay...

I did it, he enjoyed it a lot, while we were at it he asked again if I wouldn't consider letting he fuck me. I ended up accepting... he had some baby oil that gave me to use as lube. When I was ready for it his hardon had dissapeared... he said "Sorry, it seems I can't do it with another guy after all"

I said it was okay, we put our clothes on, we went back to bed, he put his arm for me to use as pillow... I was feeling sad, my heart was aching, I sobbed, he turned on me and saw some tears on my face... then he started to hug me, to caress me, repeating how sorry he was, that he was horny and that he was a jerk for hurting me, that I was really special and important to him, that he never meant to hurt me, that he thought that maybe we could end up like something more than friends... but it didn't went as he thought it would.

I ended up crying a lot after him saying that, I told him that I was just really sad because I was with low self confidence at that moment, I don't know if he believed it or not, he just keep calming me, letting me cry my heart out on his chest...

The next day we went out to the park, to have some fun, I was still sad, but I put a nice face to not show it. I ended up enjoying a lot

The next week his family was going on a trip outside the country so he invited me back but to stay the whole week, I got in a fight with my family for that, but I wanted to be with him even if it was my greedy side, I arrived to his place monday night and stayed until friday afternoon.

We watched movies... played video games, had fun during the day... but at night... we still slept in his bed together, but he would put himself against the wall, giving me his back, saying good night, and we would end up sleeping back to back. It hurt because after so many times sleeping in that other nice way I felt that it would never go back to that. Still, I understood that it was okay, because he had the right to feel uncomfortable even if he didn't say it.

I still felt a lot of love for him, even if I would never tell him that.

2 weeks after that we're talking via IM, and he tells me "oh, btw, I may end up having a girlfriend this sunday". I acted all nice, we talked a bit more, when we both disconnected I started crying by thinking on him with a girlfriend. Funny, neither of us have had a lover since we know each other.

I somehow felt like he may be doing it to make sure he stayed straight... for what happened that night on his house with me... maybe it's just my silly imagination, but that made me hurt even more.

Yesterday we and other friends were meeting in a small anime/videogame convention where we would host some pokemon tournaments (both me, my best friend and our group of friends host those tournaments in some of thoce conventions). It also was the day in which my best friend was going to ask this girl he barely met to be his girlfriend. I went prepared, cried my heart out the night before to make sure I wouldn't mess up and cry in front of him.

This girl ended up not being able to go, I was reliefed but at the same time I kept telling him to not be unpatient and take his chance when he saw her again. Later at night he, me and other 3 friends went to eat at Subway.

Something I had forgotten to mention, our group of friends tend to make fun of me and him (in a jokely way) telling things like that we are so into each other, that we are so lovers, etc etc because of the way we treat each other.

When he was trying to call this girl one of our friends told him something funny about me and him. He looked at me, kinda guilty and said "Well, in fact she is a lot like him in manners and way to be"... when I heard that I was like "wtf..." I laughed with our other friends while inside of me I was thinking "if you were going to date someone like me, why not date me?"

I put a nice face during the rest of the night, our friends left and my best friend and me stayed to walk around and see the comic stores (closed, but we could see from the outside the figures and such). I totally forgot again about my heart aching and had fun with him.

But as soon as we parted ways and I went to take the bus back to my city I felt this void inside me, my heart aching again.

Today I was asking him to accompany me on wednesday to check some comic stores like we usually do, and he tells me "haha, sorry, I already made plans with "her" for wednesday, you should have asked for an appointment before"

I felt unworthy of him, feeling like that now that he is having a girlfriend everything will change... still loving him... but will never be able to tell him that... knowing that it's the stupidest thing I've ever done... to fall for my best friend, who is straight, knowing that some day he would have a girlfriend.

Ever since he told me about this girl I have been having trouble to sleep, have been crying a lot, feeling this void in my heart, my chest aching when we're not together, but all calming and enjoying when we are together...

I have had the thoughts of hurting myself, finishing it all, I don't like feeling like this. I stupidily still wish he someway would love me instead, wishing that the relationship with that girl won't work but telling him "good luck on it, go for it"... I'm being greedy

I've never felt so in love with someone. Why had it do be with a straigh guy? Why with my best friend? How can I make all this feelings stop?

 

@ems I have 3 close friends, not even slightly as close as he is for me, but sadly, when I see those 3 friends is when we all get together, which is every two weeks or so. So it's kinda hard to stop seeing my best friend without stopping seeing my other close friends. I thought of asking one of those 3 friends to hang out on wednesday... but they 3 work full schedule on that day. And I'm not sure if he knows how I feel for him or not, I haven't told him, and now that he is getting this girlfriend I certainly don't think on worrying him with this problem of mine. If things don't work out between them... I will certainly be by his side, like always

@ToTheCeilingFan I thought about the distance... but it's hard when he is always there when my other friends and I meet. I will try though of staying away from him in those moment. I can't really tell him he hurts me... I don't want to worry him, the love I feel for him makes me not want to mess with his good mood.

 

Thanks for the support guys, I hope nobody minds, I'll keep this post to vent myself and update on things that happen.

Yesterday I tried to avoid all contact with him for the other half of the day, we usually talk via fb or skype when we don't see each other. I couldn't really do it, even if it was just to cross 3 lines with him I needed it... gosh, it feels like an addiction.

And to add to the list of things I'm feeling, now I have trouble eating, I can't swallow well, my stomach feels weird, maybe that's the butterflies some people say they feel when in love, but I don't really have hunger anymore, I eat because I force myself too. I know I won't see him in person for at least two weeks since college exams are coming, but it really doesn't help with the study either, I can't concentrate. Now I'm worried I'll fail the exams.

I don't know if it counts like self hurting, but yesterday I went out to walk a few blocks with only light clothes on, since it's winter here I really felt the cold, but at the same time it kinda relieved the ache on my chest. But when I got home my muscles really hurt for the cold and such.

 

Okay... I spent a whole day without talking with him. Today he has his date with this girl... and I feel even worse than before. I started throwing up most of what I eat. I feel really weak, right now I finished confirming a casual encounter with a guy I just met talking in a gay social chat of my country. I guess I'll go get ready and Ill continue this small journal of what is going on with this drama of mine tomorrow. Thanks for the support and advice.

 

Well... update...

I went to met this guy for a casual encounter. It didn't feel bad, but it was just a moment of the day. The rest of the day I still thought of my bestfriend with this girl.

At night he was online, we talked a bit, he sensed I was feeling bad. We went to use the cellphone, he tried to dig on what was making me feel bad... I told him that I wanted to tell him, but not via phone, that one day we're alone face to face I would tell him.

He then started to tell me funny things to cheer me up, it worked pretty well, even during the conversation he told me "Oh, btw, I officially asked 'her' to be my girlfriend. And she said yes, I'm his first boyfriend so she is kinda hard to get" (she is 18, my best friend is 22) and I thought I would cry or something, but I was having such a great time being at the phone with him that I really didn't care much at that moment. Even when he told me "Dude, he is so like you, it's like if I found you but with boobs hahaha" I was okay, feeling well just by having him for me at that moment.

Then we watched this green lantern cartoon on CN, talked a bit about it, then we decided it was getting late and it was bed time. We hang up. And after a while I started to feel shitty again... I feel pathetic, I even started having this weird dreams when I'm able to sleep. Some are nice and others are more nightmares of me telling him and he hating me and ending our friendship... I don't want to lose him. Even if it hurts, I don't want to have him out of my life.

 

Okay, I thought I would update this since it had a happy ending. After a few weeks of my last update here my best friend dumped her girlfriend and confessed to me. Then we started to date and not long after we came out as a couple to our friends. Which for them it was quite obvious we would end like this. Things are moving quite well and next week we'll be moving together... dunno if things are going fast, but we've known each other for so long that I guess now that we're a couple things are going to a quick rhythm