Stuck in a viscous circle, holding myself back

[Kirisu]

Hi there

So this is my first post and maybe quite a biggish one? So let me introduce myself I am 20 years old and almost 21 gay and currently out of education and have a part time job as a sales assistant. Through out my life I have lacked confidence, self belief and that drive to get me somewhere.

I have grown up in a Christian family and shut myself off to people at a young age so I never really had friends through out my school days all I did was play games and mess with technology and make on-line friends through games. I developed a somewhat mediocre social anxiety I never really learnt how to interact with strangers or be comfortable in a people environment I'd struggle a lot although I didn't care as I was not being treated well in the real world so making friends was the last of my worries until I left to go to college that's when it came back to bite me in the ass.

for the past few years now I have been getting better I can meet people be nice and TRY and talk to them although I still struggle and get uncomfortable but it's only now I realise being the way i was younger it has effected so many different things in my life the way I behave and the way I think is really unhealthy as I am negative and indecisive.

I'm currently struggling with myself every day now like I said I'm super negative I'm my worse bully, I am worrying about my future, I want to make money so I can do what I want so I can try help myself see the world more and maybe even help my negative thoughts and widen my mind a bit, but due to the recession I can't do that there are not many jobs going and I apply but never seem to get anywhere and when I apply I often stress about what if I cant do that job what if I am not suitable, what if someone hates me. I am one of the worst worriers you will ever meet.

For example when it comes to meeting with people who planned a day out I am fine I can hang out with them and talk etc but when responsibility and someone else's entertainment is relying on me I freak out and worry that's all I do with everything when anything rely's on me I just collapse with worry. Same with a job I freak out and worry in case I make a mistake and cost them money. Yes I currently have a small part time job which is somewhat demanding on things to do although I don't feel it's worthy enough to worry over if you understand? as it's JUST a simple sales assistant to me I don't have to do anything particularly hard where as I think of IT programmers etc I just feel like I could never do that.

But anyway sorry I feel like I am ranting on here. It's one big circle worry after another worry every step i try take I drain myself of energy it's like a car engine starting off and then after a few minuets failing and burning. I feel so stuck right now I find it very hard to even talk to my parents I did have some close friends although they have never got any time for me. If i ever do get the chance tot talk with someone I get the usual response "be patient you'll get there in then end" I have been trying to find life coaches to maybe try drive me although I'm not being paid very well and I'm not sure where to look apart from the internet.

Is anyone else or has anyone else been in this situation? If some please share with me your thoughts and experiences or maybe even some advice I'd greatly appreciate it.

[Markes87]

I may say I have had exactly the same problem with socializing with people like you, I was raised in a family where the main focus was to study, I was not allowed to have time for friends. I ended up starting to socialize without the internet late in my life, after finishing high school. I still have problems sometimes to stop the struggle when meeting new people or stop worrying that everything I'll do will go wrong. But step by step you can overcome those thoughts, even if it's milimeter by milimeter, it's a progress. Try to ask someone near and that you can count on to help you give those steps, that's how I progressed

[Kirisu]

It's good to know I'm not alone! Although my focus was just on games, I kind of wish i focused on friends and studying(although school never moved me to higher classes due to having a hard time with people so my grades differed) now although cant go back to change that! I suppose I still have a far way to go I just wish I could just move on and progress in life! I don't even know what I want as a career! and with my other problems I just cant seem to progress they hold me back in so many ways.

[Lance]

You and I are very very similar. You're definitely not alone. Sorry I can't offer any advice, but I'm interested in what others have to say.

[Kirisu]

That's okay Lance thanks for letting me know it's good to know we aren't alone.

Everyone I meet is really sociable and just take their own initiative to plan things and are always out I wish I could do the same it and kills me I hold myself back.