Feeling Overwhelmed?

Hello ECers

First off this will probably be long as I am looking for advice but also probably venting here . I think I will try to number this to make it more precise.

1) Lately I think I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious and it probably ties to all of the issues I have with my sexuality. I would say about a year ago I finally accepted it and was at peace with who I was, but then I had to deal with the conflict of actually coming out to people. My good friends were really good about it and for the most part don't treat me any different, except now they have this thing about hooking me up for whatever reason lol.

2) Elsewhere I'm currently going to our local community college to finish most of my gen end and be able to transfer to a California 4-year. I'm living at home while I do so as it's smarter financially and it's close to work and school. Since I have come to accept myself I am anxious about how I am going to talk about this with my parents. I wouldn't say they are closed minded or extremely religious, but I know those attitudes are there, albeit not as extreme as you may see or hear in the news. That said, I told myself I would not come out to them until I was out of the house and financially independent so I could choose to cut ties completely if I had to.

3) Also, I am trying to deal mentally with what I guess would be depression. Having had no real, fulfilling relationship, I do get lonely because I have a lot of my friends who have kids and are married and in relationships already so I feel so behind the curve and just awkward, almost like people must think I am defective somehow. I used to be really upset over this, especially when I was going through a really bad crush on someone who reciprocated no feelings towards me, which made it even worse. Since then, I have gotten over it mostly due to time and as much distance as possible (I find that I'm noticing his flaws way more than I was a few months ago and that is keeping me from being infatuated, although I still like him for sure).

4) Last month, after talking to one of my friends who lives in Nevada, she suggested that I move out there. One, the cost of living is WAY better than in California which was appealing. Also being 400 miles from my parents where they couldn't just "stop by" if they wanted to was nice, I felt like I could live a life where I wouldn't have to hide anything to people. Instead of waiting until after I finish school, I decided that I could always just transfer to the University there to finish my schooling, thinking that my parents would have to approve for school. Well after some pushing and agonizing, I told my parents about my intentions.

Initially my Dad, the more reasonable of the two, was surprised, but understood. My Mom, whom I thought would have a blowup, surprisingly was just reserved, but also somewhat understanding of my desire to move and live on campus for school starting in Janurary, so a little less than 6 months from now. Fast forward to this week, my Dad tells me that my mom does not want me going there--it's too dangerous apparently and that the crime is bad, blah blah (my friend who lives out there was basically "Yeah, right!"). My Mom wants me to instead find a school in state because if something were to happen (and she is convinced there will be) she couldn't get to me in time and started creating more and more reasons for me to not go. Somehow I put my foot down and told them that in the end it's my decision, and we had a small argument about it, and haven't talked about it since.

5) Yesterday after working late, my Dad and I had a chat because he was worried I was seriously mad at my Mom (which I was, I did not speak to her for days). He talked about her concerns again to which I replied that I understood, however I can't stay here and be smothered and sheltered anymore, it's not how people live their lives and create their own path. He then completely surprised me when he said "You know, people make all sorts of decisions in life. Some people decide to date women, some date men, and that's their decision. I just want you to know that whatever it is you are not happy about here or you want to run away from us, you don't need to move so far away to make your own decisions." It sounded like he wanted to go there and my heart skipped a few beats. Instead of taking the opportunity to come out, it only served to (for some strange reason) infuriate me even more and I just kept arguing my point and ignoring that. To any normal person it seems as if my parents have an idea and are trying to get me to come out but I don't feel that I'm ready to verbalize it and have that conversation, because frankly I'd at this point rather just keep my private life a complete secret from them. Is that wrong?

So all of these thoughts going through my head made it to the point where at work today I felt so sick to my stomach and dizzy. My head felt as if it were swelling and about to implode any second. The mental frustrations are becoming more overwhelmingly physical and impacting me in a way I didn't think of.

I guess my question would be..what would you do if you were in my situation? I am not a fan of taking medication for depression (mainly because my parents would overreact should they find out and probably put me in a mental institution), however the fact that I haven't been able to be open romantically is weighing on me. Also my situation with moving is causing added stress and I feel like I just am ready to have a mental breakdown because of it.

ANY advice is welcomed and THANK you for reading through my long mess of a post (!):icon_bigg

 

Thank you for the advice as it does help

I do like the journal idea, as it's nice to be able to verbalize all that's bothering me. I tell my friends all this stuff occasionally but I don't want to feel like I burden them with my issues (even though they say it isn't a problem, maybe I'm paranoid and feel like it would be a huge sigh if there's another issue with coming out lol).

The social pressure I may be putting on myself but I do go through periods where I feel basically desperate for companionship. Maybe if I take up a really difficult workout regime or something I can just be so tired afterwards I wouldn't have time to think about it :lol:

Again thanks