College Beginning

About the first one, you are really the only one that can decide the best time to come out.

2) Personally, it will be easier to get it out of the way in the begining. You dont have to introduce yourself like "Hi, I'm gay", but it would be better if the first time when each of you are getting to know and asking questions at each other, that you nonchalantly slide it in. If you wait than more nerves are just going to build up.

3) I would say that you should definity go to these clubs. There are way to many people in college for anyone to care where anyone goes. Sure there will be those who wouldnt approve, but they wouldnt go after you or anything. Being out in college is alot less important than being out in highschool or lower. Just dont worry about it.

I wish you a good time at college .

 

1) I'm sorry to hear that one of your parents is sick. That's very tough to deal with in addition to everything else you're already going through. What I would do is not come out to them. You don't need to cause either one of them more stress, especially not to your sick parent. I know some people would say that it's better to tell your parents before they're gone, so they know who you really are, but I don't think that's quite necessary. If you don't think they'll take it badly, then maybe you can find a good time to do so. Maybe go to school, make some friends, join some clubs, and then when you're talking about your time in college with your parents, you can ease the topic of being gay into the conversation. Possibly mention gay friends that you have or lgbt clubs that you've joined and just show them that you're happy with how your life in college is.

2) There's no pressure to come out to your roommates. Considering that you're going to school in NY, it really shouldn't be a problem. Your biggest problem, I assure you, will be just dealing with living with all these other people in the room. God...a triple?! I would rather kill myself. I've had to live with one other person in the room my first two years of college and every roommate has been a disaster. I had to change rooms after the first semester, then the new roommate was also bad. Sophomore year was even worse. Living with someone else is the worst. You never know what they'll turn out to be. A huge slob, a loud snorer, a smoker, an inconsiderate person who blasts music or brings people over, etc. You'll have enough issues personality-wise and living-habit wise to deal with that your sexuality will be one of the last things you'll consider. But if you really want to know about what to do for coming out, I'd say wait until it's necessary. Sometimes you won't even have to come out and they'll figure it out. I have a gay guy friend who's always had straight roommates, and they've all been extremely cool and supporting of him. They would even sit there and talk to him about his boyfriend issues. They just kind of figured it out by the people that my friend was hanging out with (flamboyant gay guys), by his blatantly gay posters of justin bieber in his room (lol), by his bringing his boyfriend over, etc. People may be more intuitive than you think, and your roommates may just figure it out on their own.

3) If there was anyone who's a big chicken when it comes to being myself, that's me. I was out to no one in high school, and I was even too scared to tell any of my gay-friendly friends in college. However, during our Welcome Week, there was a mini meeting for the lgbt club of our campus. I struggled over the decision of whether or not to go...in the end, I sucked it up and just went in. I was lingering by the door outside for a while trying not to let anyone see me go into the GAY meeting. Then when another guy went in, I just followed him in. There were only about 10 people there, but that's where I met my "best" friend in college. He's the gay guy I mentioned above. If I didn't gain anything else out of going to that meeting, I'm at least glad I met him. He's the only person who knows about me and who I can talk to. We've managed to stay in touch since Day 1, and it's all because I took a chance and walked into that meeting. Now I tried going back to the regular weekly 2-hour meetings at night, but the meetings required too much socialization and standing-up-and-talking-about-yourself-to-the-whole-room, which made me too uncomfortable, so I stopped going. Anyways, don't be afraid of going to an lgbt club on campus. So what if you're outing yourself to these people?! THEY'RE ALL GAY TOO! The only problem would be if you made friends with people in this club and then you had other straight friends on the side who don't know you're gay...then one day, somehow, your gay friends may accidentally out you to your straight friends. So you just have to be clear with your gay friends if you're not ready to tell straight people. For example, I met a gay girl at one of the club meetings, who was in a class with me and one of my straight friends. Then one day, the 3 of us were walking to class together (we lived in the same building), and my lesbian friend asked me, "Why don't you run for a leadership position for EGAY (our lgbt club name)?" My straight friend was standing right there and she didn't know I'm gay. Then I had to awkwardly signal my lesbian friend to shush and not say anything else =/ So just try to avoid things like that if you don't want to be outed unexpectedly.

Good luck with everything, and let me know if you have other questions!

 

I think you've already gotten some really good advice, so I just wanted to chime in on 3):

I only came out over this past year, and never made it out to the meetings our LGBT group had, because I was terrified that someone would "see me" even though I really wanted to go to have some in-person support (don't get me wrong, I still love EC!). It turns out with a little bit of digging that the group also had a "peer support" service: completely confidential 1-on-1 meetings with people who you could talk to about anything. So I ended up signing up for one of those and it was really damn confidential. The girl I was talking to and I both left the room after talking and she walked off without acknowledging my existence, lol. Even this summer, she was in the same human sexuality class as I was and she still didn't acknowledge me. Oh well. I guess that's a good thing though, right?

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that while we think it'll be a "huge deal" and that someone's going to "see us" getting involved with these groups, I think the truth of the matter is that the vast majority of straight people really don't give a shit what everyone else is doing, and certainly aren't looking out for people doing "gay things". I think the only ones doing that would be LGBT people themselves, and well, I think you can trust that they'll keep a secret if they noticed you and you didn't want word to get out. Not to mention there's a fair chance that they're in the same boat you are and also don't want other people to know. (I may have explained that badly, so if I did just let me know x_x)

Also, take a look around your school's website or something and see what services your LGBT group offers. There may be more private services than just the "group meetings" that might be more your speed until you settle in.

 

There's something else that I forgot to add to my answer to #3 earlier.

The thing with going to lgbt clubs on campus is that you may think that going to them will help you come to accept yourself and be more comfortable; while that's true, the paradox is that you actually, to some degree, have to already be comfortable with yourself when you go in. If you're not confident about it, you'll end up causing yourself more anguish by going than not going.

I've told you about how my lesbian friend from the club sort of inadvertently outed or hinted to my straight friend that I'm gay by making it known that I'm a part of the lgbt club. If you're going to try to hide it from some people while making yourself known to others, it won't work so well and you'll be stressed.

There's a couple other lesbians from that club who I met there but wasn't friends with. These two girls became good friends with my best straight friend (who's a girl) who doesn't know I'm gay. I was so afraid to come out to her, and she ended up befriending some very out lesbians. These two lesbians would sometimes join us for lunch if they happened to run into us at the dining center. I know that those girls recognize me from the lgbt club, so every time they sat with my friend and me, I was nervous out of my mind that at any moment, they would mention something about seeing me from the club. Then my friend would know I'm gay. Moral of these two stories is that you're going to have to make a decision whether you want to be out or to stay in the closet. Trying to juggle a combination of the two among different people who are all a part of your life on campus is going to be tough.

Also, sometimes our lgbt meetings would get moved around (we didn't have a permanent room to hold our meetings) and we'd up having the meeting at the first floor common area of my dorm building All my friends live on the same floor and building as me, so I was always afraid that one of them was going to see me when they come and go from the building. I would try to hide by sinking down as low as I could in my chair without looking too awkward. I would cross one arm over my chest and then rest the other arm on top while shielding my face. I was constantly turning around to look behind me to see if any of my friends were walking past and looking at the meeting. The whole 2 hours of the meeting, I was extremely uncomfortable. My heart was racing the whole time, and my stress level was sky-rocketing. I was so scared to be seen by someone I knew who didn't know I'm gay. Looking back now, my fears were irrational. All of these straight friends of mine ended up making friends with tons of gay and lesbian folk themselves.

I went to the club meetings like 4 or 5 times. Every time, I had to lie to my friends about where I was going. I was either "meeting with someone to study" or "had to go hang out with a friend" or whatever. Then I'd come back 2 hours later, and they'd all ask where I went. Then I'd have to make up some excuse for where I was or why it took so long, etc.

So, sorry about the long rant yet again, but I'm just trying to give you some stories about my experience so you'll understand what state of mind you need to be in when you join one of these clubs. Being uncomfortable and scared, you'll only syke yourself out and make it unnecessarily difficult for yourself to enjoy a club meeting. If you enjoy socializing, it should be fun for you to join a club. Just don't think that you can live peacefully leading "two lives." It's almost like having an affair and cheating on your friends. You have to lie about where you go, who you see, and what you're doing. Then sooner or later, someone's going to talk to someone who's going to talk to someone, and your friends will find out you've been attending a gay club. And then you have to deal with the awkwardness of explaining yourself. Just be out or don't be.

 

I immediately got involved with the Pride group at my college, and personally have loved it. There're a lot of gender-variant people in mine, and it's been terrific to have that support group. I didn't even know that there was anything other than transsexual that I could be. I hang out with them all the time, and it feels amazing to have that kind of friend group -and to be popular for the first time in my life!
HOWEVER by joining I did basically out myself to the entire college. I haven't received any negative reactions, though. I do think it's a lot easier to do it when you're in a new place than later, when people already have ideas about who you are. None of it gets back to your family, if that's what you're worried about.

I just want to ask- your dying parent. How open-minded are they? I just wonder if you might want to tell them. Do you think you'll regret losing them without their ever knowing who you are? There are no second chances.

 

I would advise living a pretty much out life in college. I putzed around my first year and didn't really get involved with gay clubs. I told a few people, but I haven't even told the people I am living with next year, argh. It would have been easier if i had just began with a mission to be out.

 

Going to the college's LGBTQ group is not basically outing... I have many friends that go to my school's Pride group that are straight.

I would also go into college being open with who you are. This does not mean that you have to introduce yourself by saying "Hi, I'm _____ and I'm gay", it just means that you are not trying to hide who you are.

I told my parents before I went to school. I did that because I knew that I was going to be out in college, so if they caught word of anything I did not want them to be surprised. I would do whatever you are more comfortable with.

I would maybe drop hints to my roommates about being gay. You could talk about gay news and see how they react. If they react well to the news then I would come out to them. You don't want to be stuck with homophobic roommates.. I had one for 2 weeks and it was not fun.

 

If I might suggest, counter to what some people are saying with "go to college already out", I don't think that's necessarily the most comfortable choice for some people. I know for me I already had enough worries starting university that I probably couldn't even fathom doing that.

Right now, if you're closeted, I'd suggest this mentality: go into college as though you aren't hiding it from people. Now, that means if someone asks you should try not to lie, but it also doesn't mean you have to spread it around. It also gives you the option later (when you're more comfortable) to either more formally "come out" or just non-chalantly slip it into conversation as if everyone knew (since you never indicated you were straight either).

I didn't have all my sexuality figured out when I started university, but I decided before I went that I wasn't going to lie about myself. And well, I didn't, and it worked out for me I guess. It still gave me control over the situation while letting me ease into the idea of being open about my sexuality.

(plus I think with this mentality, if you do end up lying to "cover yourself" at some point, because your idea was to not lie you'll probably start feeling bad about yourself for lying and it may motivate you to come out to fix that )