1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Should I give up on him?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by retiredchicken, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. retiredchicken

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    My name's Jesse, I'm 22, and I have a deep history with my friend Luke. At least I call him a friend.
    I've loved him for about 4 years now but I haven't seen him since I was 18. He makes no effort to see me or talk to me .. And he likes to talk about his girlfriend to me and how much he works. Back in the day he'd sneak in the size of his dick in conversation, and we were also quite inseperable. We had to try to end an online convo 5 times before someone finally can pull away. Little nuances like randomly holding me, borderline holding hands, telling me I'm sexy... Makes me question. After he quit working with me when we were 16, I began to hate how he didnt talk to me at all anymore but I managed to have him come to my 18th. We got close and we even cuddled that night and he read me a book I got as a present. That morning i took him home and I haven't heard from him for another 3 years.

    I managed to get his number from him after suggesting that I'd go to his 21st.. I didn't go because I had a film shoot that I couldn't avoid :icon_sad:
    He didn't want to make an effort to make work arrangements to attend my 21st :/

    I eventually confessed to him and he said he never (his words) felt anything for me at all. And that I actually pissed him off a few times.

    I DON'T KNOW what to do now! He showed me some love and cut me off, and did it several times. He still has the same girlfriend and they live together. But i just want to see him again... I know where he works and lives but I can't just invite myself. I already have a feeling the girlfriend doesn't like me and we haven'teven met yet haha

    I feel like I'm nothing to him after being the one there when his mum went insane and got taken away. He also has no family, he's a rape product and tends to make friends with girls...
    Sorry this is a long read but I just can't find anyone else and I think about him too much. He is doing so well now but I wish I could still be a part of his life. Is it too late?
     
  2. ArcherySet

    ArcherySet Guest

    The best advice that I can give you is to simply grow up, move on, and forget it. Sure you two have history, but you are really hanging onto a few juvenile incidents of attention that have amounted to nothing. I sincerely doubt he is online, sharing his feelings about you.

    I had a friend a few months ago, and the situation was similar. I was infatuated, and he treated me the same way. Everyone thinks he is gay, and he says he often fights that stigma. He was very close to me, and even physically (hand holding, hugging, telling me I'm cute, pinching my butt), and we shared some other interests, like movies and working out.

    Fast forward a couple months later, he has a female fling, and now our time together is limited. Last weekend I was invited on a road trip by her, and he made no secret of not really wanting me around. It put me in a very awkward place. When we are together, he kind of seems distracted, or irritated by some of my pokes and jokes (which a few months ago would have been kosher) and so today we are having a sit down to discuss the future of our friendship. I do not see the conversation ending on a positive.

    I have myself, and my own feelings to look out for. I don't need to be dragged through emotional muck by a selfish, wishy washy, confused 'hetero' who has no concept of the weight of the emotions he carelessly throws out.
     
    #2 ArcherySet, Aug 14, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2012
  3. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Just to make things clear, I feel like if he told you he's not interested in you as anything more than friends, then you have to leave it at that. I only say this on the offchance your desire to see him is to see if anything will happen.

    Now, as for the friendship, that's where it gets messy IMO. To me, he doesn't really sound like a friend. Someone who disappears for 4 years and makes no effort to keep in contact isn't really someone I'd want to hang around with. It sounds like he's indicated pretty clearly that you aren't worth his time, for whatever reason.

    Do you have any other friends, close or otherwise? Compare your relationships with them to him. Do you think that your friendship with him is as equal and 2-sided as your other friendships?

    If you don't really have any other close friendships, then I might suspect you want to see him again because he's the closest remnant to one you've got. If that is the case, then I've gotta say I think you can do much better.

    I think that there's a couple of real options you've got here:

    1) Don't say anything and continue to hope you can get back in his life.
    2) Call him out on basically not being there and see what happens.
    3) Forget about him and move on.

    To be honest, I think 3) is the best option. Sure, you cut off any chance of contact with him, but really... it doesn't sound like (from what you've written) that he's done a whole lot of good for your life, at least not in the last 4 years. In fact, it sounds like he's already forgotten about you and moved on, so I think you may as well do the same. But, it's your friendship, you've gotta be the one to make the decision that's best for you.

    Sorry that you're in such a sticky spot though. Friendship troubles are never fun to deal with.
     
  4. D4rk Sp4rt4n

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2011
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Jesse.

    You've got to stop. I know it's hard, and it's not as simple as it is just thinking about it, but you will only get hurt. His actions are confusing you, he doesn't realize what he's putting you through.

    You have to move on. I'm in a similar situation.

    In my situation it's with my best friend of 7 years. I've always loved him, and he's always loved me. Two years ago I came out to him. He said he didn't care but he became distant. I tried to keep the relationship alive but he would flake all of the time. I couldn't do it anymore, I loved him, and he was treating me like shit. We got in a huge argument, and I didn't talk to him for an entire year.

    The cause of the argument was partially my jealousy since he had sexual relations with a mutual friend, they're now married and have a baby.

    I recently got back into touch with them. A lot changes in a year, my feelings for him never faded. I'm back where I was, but this time I have no confusion, I know there's no chance we'll be together, but I still pain myself wishing we would.

    She treats him like shit. They're bound by marriage and now child. If I could, I would save him from this, but it is what it is.

    It kills me to see my best friend, the only man I've EVER loved, in a horrible relationship, when I know I would treat him so much better.

    It kills me inside, just kills me.

    The only reason I tell you that you've gotta stop is because maybe, it will be easier for you, than for me.
     
  5. retiredchicken

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I'm so glad you guys understand this - I know I've been letting it go for too long and it's a mess in my mind now. As for the friendship, it never felt like any other friendship and it doesn't really seem so if I think about it. But there was definitely some affection going on. Whatever reason he had to let it be like that (and how things be now), I know it isn't important to him anymore.. it's just painful. I don't think I've ever made Luke pissed off - maybe occasionally for little things like accidently hitting his eye with a mussel... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but to me him using that against me is like he just wants to focus on the negative things and disregard the positives.

    d4rk sp4rt4n, I feel for you that you still have strong feelings for this guy you speak of - but many people do that - to choose the one who treats them like shit over one who treats them better. It makes me wonder why for some people..

    Time goes so quickly, it amazes me how all of this happened 4 years ago. But when I reflect on it critically and as objectively as possible, I don't think what we had was just a juvenile thing, I still believe that if we never met and had the chance to meet each other again now, we'd still end up really close... it's that he chose the girl obviously. And I can accept that. I just wish he could at least say to me "I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry", rather than "no, actually you pissed me off all the time". He seems to be doing well, so I just gotta leave it at that.

    ... :frowning2:

    Thank you guys. This means a lot.
     
  6. paul

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2012
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    Yes. Like a lot of the people above said, he doesn't deserve your friendship if he didn't talk to you in 3 years! He also straight up told you that he didn't feel the same way about you so hanging around for a guy that may never own up to his feelings for you isn't worth your time. You are 22 and you have a wonderful life ahead of you. You just have to move on.
    Best of Luck,
    Paul