constantly changing my mind

[hatethiscloset]

Hi, I'm new to the site and was hoping for some advice/comments. I'm 17 and definitely gay, and came out to only one of my best friends. There are two more friends I want to tell because I feel like they should know, but I just can't do it! Sometimes I even regret telling that first person...she's completely cool with it but still its something I've dealt with by myself up until now. What I hate is that there are times when I'm absolutely sure I want to tell more people. When I'm in this frame of mind i wish my friends would just ask me so i can get it over with. But then there are also times I feel like i never can tell anyone else and even feel like telling my one friend was a waste. How do I just make up my mind about this?? My fear is even if I end up telling my other friends I will change my mind later and regret it.

[Aielar]

You might want to try writing down the pros and cons for coming out to other people - I never did that for coming out, but it's helped with other things over the years But if you're not ready to come out to more people then don't - everyone comes out at their own pace and there's no shame in staying in the closet until we feel totally comfortable

[Fumi]

Welcome to EC!
I agree with Aielar, you should come out only when you're ready, because once you're out, there's no going back. Coming out can be both scary and liberating, you just need to remember how good it feels to be able to be completely honest about yourself with people who are close to you.
With that said, did something bad come out of your coming out to that first friend?

[hatethiscloset]

No the friend I told doesn't seem to care at all. I just think I may have rushed telling her because even though she knows, I get nervous bringing it up. I want to be able to just bring it up casually, like seeing a guy on the street and being able to say out loud "hey hes cute!" stuff like that. Right now the only time it ever comes up is when we have a more serious in depth convo about it. I just want to get to the point where I'm not changing my mind so much.....right now i know I'm not happy and I'm obsessing over my friends not knowing. The only way I think this can end is if I tell them, but I don't want to have told everyone and then still be unhappy, ya know?

[Pain]

Hey! Welcome to EC
So many people know how you feel about this!
One thing I would like to say-- How is it that you came out to that one friend? That is, what was our motivation, and how did you have the balls to do it?
Then, why not do the same thing with your two friends?
Ok What would some consequences be if you were to come out to them? What would you regret, exactly, about it?
Once you get a positive reaction, you'll feel such a light emotion and really, you'll try to seek more of it. I don't understand what you meant when you say you regret telling her because it's something you've dealt with yourself.
About regrets and coming out-- once you come out to a solid base of trusted friends, you shouldn't regret coming out to others. If they don't react in a way which supports you, drop them and end it. They aren't worth the effort of maintaining the friendship if they drop you for this small aspect of your life.

[hatethiscloset]

I came out to my first friend after months of going completely CRAZY that absolutely no one knew this one thing about me that is pretty important. I tend to be a worry-wart and I also tend to get insecure/paranoid about what my friends think of me, so I just couldn't take not knowing how at least one person would react. I was too chicken to do it in person so I sent a text and literally threw my phone across the room right after so I wouldn't cancel it lol. And whats making telling other friends more difficult is, the 2 friends I want to tell are some of my best friends and we talk about a whole lot of things but for some reason none of us talk about relationships. None of us are dating so its sort of a nonexistent topic. If one of them started talking to me about dating and girls or whatever it would be easier to just correct them and say I'm gay. I find it nearly impossible to just bring it up out of the blue. The only thing I would regret about it is if I lost them as friends. even if they said they were okay with it....I'm just the type of person that would never 100% believe them, there would always be a part of me thats still paranoid just because thats how I've always been while in the closet.

[hatethiscloset]

anyone have any ideas on how i can bring this up??

[Andane]

Let me say I can definitely empathize with you, I pretty much acted the same way. For months I fretted over coming out to my closest, most pro-gay friend. I knew he'd be completely accepting, but it's still scary divulging something so important that no one knows about you. And yeah, still to this day I haven't been able to come out to someone face to face, always over text, instant message, etc. I remember that I was messaging my friend and literally had this big long coming out speech typed out and spent 15 minutes hovering over my mouse button to send it. I actually ended up closing my eyes, slamming down on that hand with my other hand to get myself to do it, then pacing around freaking out waiting for a response. However, it DOES get easier over time, and while at first I always freak out after coming out to someone, I always have ended up being glad I did. But you really gotta take a dive and do it before you talk yourself out of it. Of course, at this point, only really tell your closest friends, the ones you know will support you. I myself have only told my friends I knew would be supportive, so I haven't had any negative reactions yet. And trust me, it really is incredibly liberating, and it allows you to confide in that person and rely on them for support.

Overall, if these people are truly good friends, take the dive and tell them before you get cold feet. If they're really your friends, they'll support you.

[hatethiscloset]

Yeah this is pretty much exactly how I feel whenever I have an urge to tell any of my friends...All over the place though I hear people say that people come out "when they are ready." What does this mean? How do I know if I'm ready? Will I just have to keep biting the bullet and blurting it out before I lose my nerve? Or will there actually be a moment when i'm completely sure and can just calmly tell someone.