Feeling Lost/Down About Life.

[CyclesOfVisions]

Hello All,

I am posting because I am feeling down about some things happening in my life right now.
A few days ago, I decided to give my two weeks notice at work. I didn't tell my supervisor, who I've been hopelessly crushing on ever since I started the job, say, 7mos. ago. In fact, she was the last to find out. I WANTED to tell her everything I'm posting here, but I'm terrified that she's just a straight girl with a bf, who wouldn't understand any of this! Or maybe I'm just afraid that my little love fantasy is only that. A fantasy.

Just recently, I discovered that I may not be gay, but somewhere along the trans spectrum. "Trans-Masculine" defines me pretty well, if you want to label me for ease of understanding. So yeah! At work, I started off passing just as an average girl, and never discussed my personal life much there. As time went on however, I began really coming into myself. I embarked on this incredible spiritual journey and now basically I feel like I'd be seen more as a "butch" chick, rather than a "straight" one. Perhaps they (the people/customers at work) just see me as sporty! ANYWAY.

I am quitting my job because I am super stressed out and tired with everything going on in my life. Mentally and emotionally, I am just exhausted. Also, I need to get my mind off of my supervisor because it's just not healthy for me to be so emotionally caught up like I am, when I feel like i'm making no progress with her. The owner of the small business is always stressed and he doesn't keep it to himself. It's gotten to the point that I feel miserable when I work with him, because he's just constantly in a bad mood, cursing and banging things around and I'm tired of him affecting my mood too. Part of this spiritual journey has included me realizing that I deserve to be happy and NEED to be in positive, healthy, happy environments! I don't get paid near enough to put up with so much stress/work, especially when the owner of the place won't hire more people and can afford to! Also, I am tired of putting on my girly act at work. I just want to be myself, but unfortunately, I do not feel comfortable doing so where I work. I live in the Bible Belt and we deal with some rather "uppity" conservative people, if you will. Not everyone is bad, and in fact I truly like some of our cool clients.


Basically my parents know nothing about my struggles with everything or anything at all.
They are very religious and still don't approve of gay living. So there is no support here.
A lot of stuff went down my last two years (4 years ago) of high school and I'm just now realizing it was all because I was never comfortable with my body. It was so bad that I fell into this huge period of depression where I literally was in bed all day until I went to work. So I "skipped" school, which led to truancy and just know that it was a ROUGH period in time for me lol.

I literally have 0 friends that I chill with, which is lonely for me. Everyone I work with has a life outside of work and I don't. They all have people that they're dating/talking to or what not and I feel like such an outsider because my life consists of work and being home in my room. My dogs are my companions. I keep chit-chat to a minimum with my parents. I was in therapy when I started this job, but my therapist found a better job for her, JUST when I'd finally come out as possibly being trans! Currently I'm waiting on a local gender therapist to return my call so that I can hopefully get into some counseling soon!

Of course all of this poses financial issues, seeing that I'm about to leave my job! And on top of this new possibly trans realization, my school loan bills just started coming in and I feel like I'm being hit with so much at once. Plus, I'm feeling SUPER stressed living at home, where I can't be myself. We have a one story home and it's shared between me, my mom, my dad, my two dogs, AND my 80-something year old gma who has early onset of alzheimers. So yeah, lol there's a lot going on here and I'm really starting to feel all of the craziness. I just want out and to move on with my life, and be HAPPY!

I just need to know that I'm not alone as I feel.
Seriously, any positive/supportive feedback will be awesome.
Thanks everyone!

[Aielar]

Instead of quitting your job - which as you mentioned will cause financial difficulties - why not just take a week or so off if you can? That way, you will still have a job and you'll have some time off to recover (hopefully) from how exhausted you are. If that isn't an option, I'd suggest staying at your current place of employment for now, but in your spare time try find another job before you quit.

Sure, your work environment isn't ideal for you, but quitting your job without another one lined up - and student loans to pay on top of that - won't lighten your load, it'll probably just make your stress level worse. I'm not saying that it will, but there's a chance of that.

As for the loneliness/lack of social interaction, why not join a book club, pflag support group, join a gym/exercise group, toastmasters? There's always options to get out there and meet new people - and even if there's nothing going on currently, you could always start something yourself.

You're definitely not alone though. I've got five hundred dollars left to pay on my credit card, one hundred for my phone bill, five hundred dollars for tuition fees, and five hundred fifty for rent. I cannot be open about my sexuality in my town since I don't want it to negatively impact my reputation/job opportunities - my social circle knows, and some family members, but other than that I'm still relatively in the closet.

Hope this helps.