My son, 15 yo

[Proud mum]

Hello, my son has been seeing a counsellor for about 4 months, mostly due to issues relating to his dad and my ex-boyfriend (one's a lazy idiot, one is a nasty piece of work with BPD).

He dropped his sessions to fortnightly but says it helps a lot with his feelings of frustration and anger he feels at times and isn't always sure how to let them out.

Last night he told me his counsellor advised him (and she rarely advises anything) to speak to me about this issue. He blurted out to me over dinner that he believes he's bisexual. He begged me not to tell his dad (my ex-husband who regularly makes locker-room homophobic jokes). My son has a major crush on a schoolfriend (single sex school), and I recognise what he describes as teenage love.

He says he likes girls and boys but has never felt like this about a girl. He doesn't feel particularly sexually attracted to either sex.

He found talking to me very emotional and draining, also a relief; he was pretty mature, in my opinion. He understands that he could end up having a preference for men, or women, or both, and that equally this could change over time.

He asked whether I had 'noticed a difference' in him, because he apparently a few weeks ago decided 'not to hide' any more and act naturally and not worry about these feelings, he thought maybe I would spot it. This made me sad, I felt sorry for him.

He said he spent a lot of time, over many months, trying to figure out how he felt, he wanted to be 'sure' because otherwise he might just change his mind and then have upset people for nothing.

I would give more background, but this happened last night and I'm just after some immediate feedback really. I have promised not to tell anyone (although he did talk to my boyfriend when he came over, which I was really happy about, I don't think he wants to rely on me only), and I suggested I just leave him be on the subject for a couple of days and he can raise it with me if he feels like it. And perhaps after that we could do some reading on the internet, maybe look at forums and see how he's feeling.

He feels a need to tell his best friends but he is also aware that telling one person COULD equate to telling everyone, and he isn't at all sure he's ready for that. One of his best friends has asked him 3 times if he's gay, but he just said he didn't really know any girls and he just hadn't had chance to get a girlfriend.

Please could anyone help me in terms of what I can do to help him best?

I'm personally petrified for him. As a mum I obviously want him to have the easiest ride through his teens, through life. We don't live in a cosmopolitan area, there aren't many who are different, I don't think he will be treated kindly at school. I am scared for him, but I don't say that.

Any wisdom is very appreciated, I've been a bit of a wreck for the last day or so. Thanks so much in advance.

[Chip]

Hi, and welcome!

First, you're an amazing mom just for accepting, not judging, and helping him focus on who he is. You wouldn't believe how many parents have huge problems just being able to be supportive.

It sounds to me like he's got a really good head on his shoulders and a really good idea of what's going on and what to do. From what you're describing, it sounds more likely he's gay than bi, but that's for him to determine.

The best thing you can do is be there for him. It is most definitely a risk that telling one person could equate to the whole school knowing, can't tell you how many times we've heard that story, so he's wise to take it a little bit slow. But it also sounds like he's in some ways ready to just be who he is.

I do think that perhaps waiting a bit and exploring his feelings and perhaps getting a clearer sense of whether he's bi or gay might be good before he starts coming out to more people; it's easier to answer the inevitable questions if you have a pretty firm idea of where you stand.

And... pointing him here could be really beneficial for him. One of the biggest issues a closeted gay or bi person deals with is the shame surrounding their sexual orientation, and simply talking about it with lots of others who have been in similar positions is tremendously helpful.

[speedboy3]

Hello there. I'm not going to lie, being bi isnt the easiest thing in the world, but if thats who he is then thats who he is. Just encourage him to be himself, but be cautious. If coming out to someone puts him in danger then try to steer him clear of that. Also make sure hes sure that hes completely 100% sure that hes bi before he comes out to anyone.

[Jim1454]

It sounds like he has talked about this with his therapist, and that the therapist has already provided some great advice and support - empowering him to talk to you about it. It takes some people months or years to come out to their parents. It took me a year - and I was 35!

Do what you're already doing. Suggest he join here - and then perhaps give him the space to come here and share what he needs to share without feeling that you're watching over his shoulder. At the same time, it's great that you are here and that you are willing to do whatever you need to do to be supportive. I'm choked up writing this - knowing that he has a mom as great as you.

(I know all parents are just doing their best - but some miss the mark when it comes to this kind of thing. It can be very discouraging. Keep it up!)

[Iamthewalrus]

My mum pretty much erased me from the family when I came out, so from this perspective I think the #1 thing you need to do is tell your son that you love him and that no matter what he settles on in terms of how he views his orientation you are there for him. I didn't get that from my mum, my dad was too reserved to say it and believe me that was tough.

Also high on my list would be to tell him that he does not have to tell anyone before he is ready to and that perhaps it is best not to do so until he can fully accept that while some people may be supportive that others will not be. This is especially important if he has other issues in his life that he needs to work on.

By all means make sure that he is safe, no-one did the safe sex talk with me and thankfully I was smart enough to work it out on my own but this is not true of all teenagers. My dad's attempt at sex education was to tell my sister that all boys were after one thing, after I came out he said the same thing to me which wasn't really that useful. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but while being LGBT brings unique challenges when you're growing up, I believe that if it wasn't that then I would have had something else to deal with and so I think you just have to cover off whatever you can and then let him take it from there, you can't wrap him in cotton wool but you can make sure that he's aware of certain things that might happen and how to deal with them.

After you have the safety aspect covered and are sure that he's not going to put himself in a dangerous situation I think it might be an idea to make it clear that he can come to you with anything but that you won't pressure him to talk. That is what I would have appreciated anyway, if you are constantly asking him to talk then maybe he won't come to you when he does need to. But you know your son and whether this will work for you or not, this is just what I would have liked.

[TheEdend]

I can't add much more than has already been said, but go you for being there for him like this. You have no idea how much easier things will be for him just by having you on his side

I think that's the main thing you have to worry about right now. Letting him know that you are there with him for whatever he needs and that he has your full support to figure it all out. Everything else will sort itself out. Don't feel like you have to sort it all out for him. It sounds like you did an amazing job at raising him

Also make sure hes sure that hes completely 100% sure that hes bi before he comes out to anyone.

In my experience, trying to be 100% sure of anything brings more anxiety than reassurance. Its better to focus in acceptance and knowing that either straight, gay or bi, its going to be okay.

[csm123]

Hi and welcome to ec

First of all,well done for being such a great,understanding mum.I cant add much to the great advice already given,but as said before,just let him know that you are there for him whether he ends up being straight,gay or any where in between.

If you have the time,it might help you to understand what he is going through if you read a few older posts both in this section and in the coming out section.I also feel that it would be good if you could get him to join us(we are a friendly bunch)and hopefully gain some insight and help.

PS,if you are concerned that he may see your post,if you introduced him to this site,I am quite sure the mods would soon hide it if you asked them to.

Well done and keep us updated.

[Ianthe]

Thank you so much for being such a great mom. I know of teenagers that have been thrown out of there homes or sent to camps where they are subjected to electroshock therapy torture when their parents find out they are gay. Most parents don't go that far, but they usually do express some disappointment. There is nothing more important that you can do for your son than what you are doing already, by loving him for the person he is.

I want to thank you especially for "recogniz[ing] what he describes as teenage love." It's sometimes very difficult for us to get straight people to recognize that gay people have the same range of romantic feelings that straight people have. In some states, there have recently been "don't say gay" bills to make it illegal for homosexuality to be mentioned in schools, on the argument that it's inappropriate to teach kids about "specific sexual acts," by which they mean oral and anal sex. For some people, that's all being gay is about, apparently, forget teenage crushes and romantic love of any kind.

I think it's likely that your son will end up in the gay camp--an "I've never felt this way before" crush is a pretty good indicator, especially in combination with a lack of acknowledged sexual feelings for either sex. (At 15, if he is unaware of sexual feelings, he is probably repressing them, and he probably wouldn't repress heterosexual feelings.) But for you, it probably doesn't really matter--you just need to love him no matter what.

(I was pretty similar to your son at 15, and had my first major crush on a girl, but not really any overt sexual feelings directed towards either sex. I dismissed it as being just the one girl, however, and it took me a long time to realize that I was never going to feel that way about a man. There are many bisexual people, but the pattern you described makes me think he's more likely to be gay.)


I think it would be a really good idea for you to refer him here to EC. And you might also think about seeing if you can bring some age-appropriate books and films and things about gay people into the home. It makes a big difference to be able to see our experiences reflected in the lives of other people, and to read or watch stories that validate our lives.

Straight people sometimes don't realize how much social bonding takes place in peer groups around things related to sexuality. Even when I didn't know I was gay, I always felt sort of alienated and on the outside of things when girls would go on and on about boys. Eventually, when he's ready, you could support him in meeting other gay kids--not only because he'll want to meet people to date, but so that he can have that bonding experience with friends.

In the meantime, trust his judgment in who he wants to tell, and be ready to support him if anything goes wrong.

But, like I said, the main thing is just to love him.

[MusicIsLife]

Welcome!

IMO as far as sexuality goes, Bisexuality can be the hardest one...simply because not everyone takes it seriously. When I was in high school it was the cool thing for girls to claim that they were Bi, and because a lot of straight girls did it, people tended to not believe you when you came out.

The flip side is at an all boys school his classmates may see being bi as just code for gay, but I don't know about your area, his classmates may be fine with it, or give him a hard time because of it.

The point is though, you need to be the one he trusts the most. The one who will have his back no matter what. I'm not sure where you live, but in most North American major cities they have what's called PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. If you're in the UK I'm sure any LGBT youth centre will have a group for parents as well.

Best of luck! <3

[BudderMC]

Originally Posted by Ianthe

I know of teenagers that have been thrown out of there homes

I just wanted to add onto this, for the sake of making an impact. Someone in a class of mine did a study on homelessness and the stat they gathered was that (in my area) 40% of homeless teens were homeless because they were thrown out for being LGBT. And I'm sure that's even higher in other places, since my area is pretty accepting.

Just food for thought.

Otherwise, everyone's covered everything else; it sounds like you're doing a great job. I know it's hard, but try not to worry about your son too much. Like others have said, just be there to support him when he makes decisions - but that's more of a "growing up" thing rather than a "being gay/bi and coming out" thing, right?

Your son will be very thankful for you later, if he isn't already.

[Proud mum]

I can't type, I'm sobbing. Just needed to say thank you to you all. I'm absorbing the posts and I will be back. I can't express how relieved I am to see so much warmth. I will bring him here if he wishes. Thank you.

[Given To Fly]

I can't really add much, other than to say that you sound like an amazing woman, and you should be proud of yourself for being so accepting of your son. If everyone else showed half as much compassion, the world would be a better place for it.

He might potentially have a difficult time ahead, but with you supporting him, I'm sure it'll be a lot easier.

[Jared]

I'm not sure there is much I can add other than you seem like an amazing mom and I wish all parents would accept their kids like you I would kill to have my parents react this if/when I come out.

[thecat06]

There is not much that I can really add. I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing mom!! Your being non-judgmental, which will help your son a lot in the long run.

He may have a hard time ahead and he may not. Only time will tell. It's good that he can trust you, because that means that he has somebody to talk to.

[Annon]

Just to say, I am the point of this convosation. I have read through all of the points and we took jim1454s advice and I joined this evening. If you want to know anymore about how I feel and that sort of thing I have posted on here. Thanks for your support guys.
All of you have said things that are good foods for thought. I would be very grateful if any of you could look at my post and help me out a bit, leave some advise etc. thank you all so much.

[LailaForbidden]

I just wanted to say: It's moms like you that give me hope for humanity. thank you.

[Dewey]

I wish my dad cared as much about my feelings as you do about your son's. You're such an great mom, I can't even.

[Condorman]

Hi Proud Mum...as Rygirl asked in a thread I started (as another parent) how are you looking after yourself? Sounds like you may have to juggle a dad and ex boyfreind, so don't forget yourself too.

Good luck to you and your son and thanks for posting - it helps keep me inspired to be a good parent.

[paul]

Wow, I can tell you are a very caring mother who is naturally worried about her son. A lot of things have been covered above but I would try to dissuade him from coming out seeing as he attends an all male school. Teen boys can be especially ruthless and if his friend for some reason or another didn't accept your son for he is, he would probably stop hanging out with him and would tell everyone. I think it is best if maybe he waits until he graduates.
Best of Luck to him,
Paul

[Annon]

Paul I hadn't thought about waiting that long, that's over three years. Which doesn't seem long but the last few days have been the longest of my life. I also didn't think about some of my friends not accepting me. Me and my best friends have many gay/bi friends in common. So it wasn't them I was worried about, it was more the larger kids at school that don't know me as well, and punch at anything they don't understand.