**This went a little long, but I promise it gets to the point eventually!** Hi everyone, I want to discuss something I've noticed myself and get your feedback/similar experiences regarding it. For the past few months I've been trying to finally acknowledge certain same-sex attractions I've felt but ignored for much of my life. (I'm 25.) I've dated a few women in the past for very short periods, but it never led to anything. I think part of this was my fear of being gay and thus not being able to "perform." A few months ago I decided I was fed up with being alone and briefly tried to meet someone of the same sex online. I soon realized online dating wasn't for me, but by chance met someone at a female friend's birthday dinner who I presumed was gay due to very subtle mannerisms and who my friend is. Long story short, I talked with this individual for a while and we got along well. We've met up for drinks and dinner a couple times since. On the second-last time, he nervously revealed to me after dinner and a few drinks that he is gay, that he liked me, but wasn't sure if I was. (He thought I could just be a friendly straight guy, as some of his friends apparently are.) He said regardless he wanted to remain friends. I sort of dodged his question but said I wasn't too sure about a lot and would be interested to try where things might go with him. A few days later, I went to another friends birthday at a club. There was one girl there I couldn't take my eyes off of and felt a strong desire to talk with her, exchange numbers and get to know her. Sexual-type thoughts entered my mind too. I then learned she was the longterm girlfriend of an acquaintance, which dampened my mood for a good part of the night. Getting to the point, I saw the guy again last night. We caught a movie and had a quick dinner after. For some reason I felt "straighter" for much of the time. When we said our goodbyes, we shook hands and I gave him a pat on his back as any friends might do (maybe a bit too formal - I can be like that). After a minute of walking away from him, I heard the shuffling of his flip-flops behind me. I turned around. He seemed a little nervous like the time before. With some hesitation, he said he felt sometimes the tone of our texting was a bit formal (it's not by my standards, but okay), and that maybe we could try to make it more casual. I agreed to try. He then asked if we could hug to kind of "affirm" that we had something. I did hesitantly when I was pretty sure no one else could see, but felt a little uncomfortable. He then asked to kiss, which I declined to do as I was right beside my building and felt way too uncomfortable. Even the hug felt a bit empty and I think I did it mainly to please him. Soon after we said bye for the night. Does anyone else feel fluctuating sexuality between sexes? I'm so confused with this and have no idea what to do. Part of this might very well be an internalized aversion to "acting gay," but then I know the other night I had a genuine attraction to a girl, so in some ways I wonder if I should focus on finding a girlfriend. But I also don't want to hurt this guy. I think my "seeing" of this guy and briefly another may have actually increased my confidence with girls, oddly enough. Ugh, I honestly drive myself nuts.
There are people whose attraction does genuinely fluctuate from one end of the gender spectrum to the other, so that could be the case with you. But it sounds to me like you are also not completely comfortable with the idea of being attracted to the same sex, so it is possible that this discomfort is confusing the issue for you. It's also possible that the guy you met just didn't really do it for you. Try not to worry too much about putting a label on what you are. When you meet someone you feel attracted to, go with that and see where it leads. Maybe it will fizzle as it did with this guy, or maybe at some point there will be fireworks. Try to remember that casual dating can involve a LOT of fizzles before you get to any fireworks. And in the meantime, talking to people on forums like this one or joining LGBT groups/events in your area might help you start to feel more comfortable about your same-sex attractions.
Thanks, Chandra, for your thoughtful reply. (And sorry for my slow one! For reason the notification e-mail was sorted as spam.) The think the comfort part is a lot of it. When I actually consider which sex I "notice" more, that would seem to be guys. However, I notice girls too, usually not as much but it fluctuates. I think my main problem may be overcoming my concern with what other people think. Everyone I know assumes I'm straight and I don't want to change how they think of me. Even the opinions of complete strangers matter to me. With this fear always there, it's difficult to really advance any sort of relationship. But while I recognize this problem, I have no idea how to overcome it.
I only came out last week and I admit that physical contact with guys in public can feel awkward. There are two things to make this easier. The first is to get wasted and then your inhibitions and self-awareness are reduced so you feel more comfortable with a guy. The second thing (so I believe) is to bide your time and eventually being physical with a guy in public will be normalised in your mind. Also the fact you check out guys more than girls is your body telling you that your programmed to chase guys, you can't resist those natural impulses.
I wouldn't really recommend getting wasted as a good course of action, especially with someone you don't know well. This is a common fear - many (if not most) people coming out have experienced it. I definitely did. It really just takes time, small steps, getting used to the idea gradually. To be honest, I still avoid overt affection with my girlfriend in public, and we've been together for two years. And the reality is, same-sex affection in public still does draw unwanted attention from strangers. As for the people you know - yes, it may change how they think of you. But then you'll know who's really worth keeping in your life, and who isn't.
Thanks for the replies, guys. Despite my slow replies, they are very much appreciated! Whether I'm drinking or not, my hesitation in public seems to persist. That being said, I don't have a desire to make the strangers around me uncomfortable, so I'll likely not try too hard to get comfortable with PDA, so to speak. Chandra, yes, you're definitely right that those who aren't accepting probably aren't really worth having in my life. I'll try to keep this in mind. I still have a lot of trouble imagining being "out," though.
Hey man, I really relate to what you've written. I've had a hard time of it figuring out my sexuality too. There have been both girls and guys that I've crushed on in the past. Eventually I decided to try dating guys since, like you, my attraction to them seemed stronger and I checked them out more frequently. After a couple dates I happened to meet a guy that I really clicked with and thought was attractive. Long story short, he's now my boyfriend. He's the only one that I've ever felt comfortable showing affection for in public. The other guys I went out with got no more than a hug. Kissing was weird at first but now it comes naturally as I've done it more and gotten over my self-consciousness about it. I even had a thread about this, I called it "The Intimacy Barrier." In public we tone it down, but there have been a couple times that we've held hands in public places. Whether I could have made it work with a girl as well is still a question that plagues my mind, but I really like my guy so I'm trying to take it a step at a time right now. I wish there was an easy answer for dilemmas like ours. It seems the majority of people have much less trouble figuring out what they're attracted to, whether they are straight, gay or bi. It helps me relax a bit thinking about the Kinsey scale, which suggests that few people are exclusively straight or gay. Thus, it's normal to be a little "sexually bipolar" as you called it As for being out, I did it very gradually. Now I'm out to most of my friends and family. It's definitely odd, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it after being single and confused for so long.
Thanks, socalguitarguy. I think we have a lot in common. I wish it was easier for guys like us to figure out our sexuality too. I tend to have in the back of my mind that if it might be possible to have a traditional relationship with a girl, then I should try for that. So far that hasn't gone too far though. I haven't looked into this Kinsey scale, but I keep hearing it mentioned here. I totally agree that everyone falls somewhere on the gay-straight continuum with essentially no one being 100% one way, even if most people aren't aware of their other side. I said "bipolar" because I feel I move along it from one day or week to the next, which I don't think is like most people. It also makes me genuinely unsure "what" I am, not that labels necessarily matter.
