advice. Y would someone feel "ashamed and embarrased" after a gay/lesbian experience?

need some advice and help please.
before u came out of the closet or accepted yourself, did u ever feel ashamed or embarrased of the gay thoughts u were having? did u hate yourself and hate the person who was causing those thoughts and feelings?

We are both in college. Long story short, but i met this girl 2 and a half years ago, she was immediately drawn to me , she heard i was a lesbian, acted very shy and nervous around me and very tense. my guess was she either hated gay people, or was gay herself and scared because she had an obvious attraction to me. I am a lipstick lesbian ( dont look like a stereotypical lesbian). Somehow she got over the initial shyness towards me, and Well, she ended up making moves on me and we madeout and were kissing all night , holding hands, she held me around my waist while walking all night. She initiated everything , and it was clear she was loving everything that was going on, and it was apparent she was a lesbian then and my first guess was right, that she was attracted to me and was nervous. We were doing this not around many people ( in a corner of the party so nobody could really see, but a few random people and a few of my friends walked by and saw us, but we werent doing it for attention). It was obvious she was enjoying herself, she told me how i was so beautiful, etc. And it made sense why she had been acting so nervous at first. A guy had come up to me and was hitting on me, which made her jealous and get protective over me and she told him how i was her girlfriend, and that we both are lesbians and not into boys.
Long story short but , she avoided me like the plague for over a year after that night. However, she is back in my life now . She has made many first efforts now, such as following me/ adding me first on a website, and when she saw me walking on the sidewalk on campus, she came up to me and picked up up , grabbed me , with the biggest smile on her face and hugged me. totally catching me off guard. therefore, this reassured me that she definitely doesnt hate me. However, at other times she acts very awkward around me, acts nervous and tense, even somewhat avoids me, or Runs away!. Anyways, at one point i said to her " why did you avoid me for that whole year? " then she responded " I avoided you because i felt very ashamed and embarrassed". So, in my opinion i think she is in the closet or denial, i mean it is obvious this girl gets nervous around me, she looks at me when im not looking at her alot ( all my friends have told me), and she acts awkward around me certain times avoiding me, other times veryyy flirty ( usually when it is just us two). One time at this party, when me and my gay guy friend ( who she is sorta friends with too) got there she acted awkward and totally didnt acknowledge me , but ran up to him and hugged him. My friend thinks it was obvious she was trying to make me jealous. Well, so then i saw one of my other girl friends at the bar and was talking to her. My friend acted a bit touchy to me, nothing over the top but it was obvious i was having fun. Well, from the corner of my eye i could see this girl staring at me from behind. Then 5 min later, this girl and my gay friend walked away and about 10 minutes later my gay guy friend came up to me and told me that this girl had pulled him aside and asked him Where i went. Me and him both think she was jealous that i was talking to this other girl ( who is straight and just my friend lol but she doesnt know that).

What the hell? If she acted shy and awkward around me when i showed up and didnt acknowledge me, why would she ask where i was? It doesnt make sense. Why do u think she did that? Also, 2 of my girl friends have told me how she has given them dirty looks. One girl who is my friend and who was somewhat acquaintances with her ( they would normally say hi to eachother when they would see eachother out), after she saw her with me out one night, when my friend went up to say hi to her a different night after that, this girl gave her a dirty look and turned away. Something isnt right here lol, It is obvious it has something to do with me? what the hell?

So, before u came out of the closet or accepted yourself, did you ever feel ashamed or embarrased of the gay thoughts u were having? Even if you thought some of your friends would be OK with you being gay, why would u still try to push away gay feelings? my mom doesnt accept me so i have to say im straight and it sucks, so i can understand. But why would she act so weird around me? When she had/has avoided me, it makes me think she hates my guts or maybe she is straight, but then she does something which blows my mind and it tells me this girl HAS to be gay. She has never had a boyfriend in the few years i have known her, and ppl have wondered why she doesnt really hook up with guys. I want her to be comfortable around me, but she seems to always be so nervous usually. And, what do you think is going on in her head? why would she feel so ashamed after she made moves on me that 1st night and clearly was loving it? I mean, it isnt normal behavior how she is acting lol. Did u ever feel ashamed after having lesbian/gay thoughts or after kissing someone of the same sex and liking it to much that it scared you? thanks :icon_bigg

 

Re: advice. Y would someone feel "ashamed and embarrased" after a gay/lesbian experie

Thank u Chandra for the advice and the insight as to why she is acting this way. It is definitely very helpful!. U are right, i have been very patient and i have noticed she has made slow progress. I really care about this girl, so i am not going to rush it. It is a slow process for some people, coming to terms with their sexuality. thank u again i appreciate it :icon_bigg