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What should I do about my dad

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by snapjamma, Jul 27, 2006.

  1. snapjamma

    Regular Member

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    I came to terms with my gayness pretty early, and ended up coming out around the end of 7th grade to my close friends, all of whom took it very well. That summer I came out to my sister, who was nothing but supportive and was totally okay with it, and I told her I probably wasn't going to tell the parents until I was at least out of the house.

    Well, everyone's horny, so of course I had some questionable stuff on my computer. One day my dad decides to install something or do something with my computer, and after snooping around a little he found some gay porn in my browser. Before coming to me directly, he calls up my sister, who was understandly in a tough position. Instead of lying like she should have, she takes matters into her own hands and tells him I came out to her, thinking that he would handle it alright. A few days after she tells him out of nowhere in casual conversation he drops "So why exactly are you hanging out on <gaypornwebsite>.com?" which was the beginning of end of our relationship. Two weeks later, after my mom tells me he was crying all day because he "failed as a father," him saying some really mean things such as "Well I'm not the one who wants to be tied up and fucked (keep in mind I am 13 at this time)," threats of counseling, and after crying myself to sleep every night, he decides to have a "talk" with me, which ended in my promising him that I'm not gay and me denying everything. And he lived happily ever after.

    Jump ahead two years to today, I'm 16, and I don't really talk to him or do anything with him, which can get weird because it's just me and him in this small house. I know he loves me and all, doesn't really require a whole lot from me, and gives me space, but I just can't ever open up to him again after the way he reacted to something he could have handled a lot better. He is also getting pushy about me getting a girlfriend, but I have had a lot of shit on my computer again after the past few months and if he has seen anything there would be no doubt of my sexual orientation, so I can't tell if he is just in immense denial or if he is truly oblivious to the obvious. So after all this, do I just keep pushing towards graduation and my independence for two more years, keeping him in the dark? Or should I drag up the past and try to talk to him about what's really going on?

    PS I love what you guys are doing here, I only wish I had found it sooner!
     
  2. jake83

    Regular Member

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    Hey snapjamma,

    Ok, this is just my opinion, based on my experience.

    Your Dad sound kind of similar to mine. He's going to need alot of time to get used to the idea of you being gay. It's great that you were comfortable enough to come out at the end of year 7, most people aren't. I came out last year when I was 22, and it took me a long time to go through the phases until I was sure of it myself, and ready to tell everyone. Your parents will go through phases too -- denial, depression, anger, bargaining .. all of that. And here's the thing -- it might take 2 years for them, even longer! It will be really intense living in the same house as him while he is coming to terms with it all. It's possible that it will unearth all of the issues he has about his parenting and other stuff, and fling him into an unpredicatable space. I'm not trying to scare you, just letting you know what you might be in for.

    I know it will also be hard for you to keep it a secret for what will seem like such a long time, but in my opinion, it will be worse for both you and your Dad if you bring it up again until you're both in the position to have space from each other. He definitely wouldn't have forgotten those 2 weeks you mentioned, and yeah, it will probably be on his mind. You got a little insight into the beginning of it all, until he all too happily took your ticket of delusion to escape his own pain. Expect that to start from that point again if you told him tomorrow. That said, I don't think you should go out of his way to "prove" that you're straight, but try to avoid the topic with him altogether. Definitely don't get a girlfriend just to please him. It's ultimately your choice as to how far you want to go in that respect.

    I think if you bring it up with him while you're still living at home (or they get the courage to find out for themselves), you'll find that things will get worse before they get better .. and I guess my point is, the "worse" bit might end up being just as long as the time you have to live there (2 years+), at which point you have to start considering what path will grant you the most freedom and least anxiety until you're free to do what you like. It might be a little hard for you to understand, because you came out relatively quickly, but he's going to need alot of time (and I mean years) before he is comfortable with it. My advice is to let him have his delusion -- and yes, he is comfortably and willingly in denial -- until you're out of the house, or in a better position to be independant from your parents. Even though you're 16 now and sure of who you are, he might decide that you were too young to make such a choice anyway, and refuse to listen. So waiting a little longer will be good for that, too.

    Try and get on with your life, and let him slowly put the pieces together themselves, I think. Just don't think that if you tell them, they'll have a bad few weeks and get used to the idea. The odds are, it will take them at least 2 years anyway. Try and remember the things he went through when he found out before. Did he get angry? Did he talk about not being able to live with you/kicking you out? You're kind of lucky, in a way, to be able to have that little window to be able to predict what kind of things he will go through. Use that to gauge his reaction and whether it will risk your freedom/choices/being able to live there.

    Either way, it's a tough position to be in, and you've got every reason to be confused. Hopefully you'll get some more advice on this thread. Best of luck. :slight_smile: