I've been questioning my sexuality for what feels like my whole life. I'm a 22 year old male (my birthday was just a couple of weeks ago) and I honestly thing I might be gay or bisexual. So, I'm going to try to tell my story as honestly and briefly as possible. I grew up in a very conservative Christian home in the deep south. I knew from an early age that I was different. I played with dolls, played dress-up, liked make-up and jewelry, played house with girls, and I would draw and design my own little dresses on paper. So when I think about it I was very gender non-conforming. It wasn't my father who was as upset about it as much as my mother (she hated it). My relationship with both of my parents was fine for a long time, though. I would say growing up, I only experienced some emotional abuse from time to time at the hands of my parents, but nothing that they did made me have homosexual feelings, and I know and understand that they love me and I love them back. But sometimes I feel like my father and I are on two different planets. I honestly believe my homosexual attractions started at a young age. I would have crushes on boys or male characters from a TV show. I remember the first time I saw a shirtless man and I couldn't stop staring. I had a fascination with the male body from a young age. Growing up I desperately tried to feel something, anything for girls. I would have crushes on girls but they would be brief and fleeting. I understand now that I was just feeling that to fit in, to be normal, maybe even to hide what I was really feeling. I never managed to have a girlfriend. There was one crush on a girl that lasted for a long time, but looking back it didn't feel right at all. And I remember telling myself "wait... maybe I'm okay with just being friends with her... I just need a friend" a lot. And it felt weird because she didn't like me back. But I had several crushes on boys... these felt more natural, real, and honest. Although I would try desperately to deny them. I've always found males to be cute, attractive, and handsome. But when I was around eleven I actually began getting aroused by males. I remember wrestling with my friend, and he put his arm around my neck and I really liked it. Often I would incite wrestling with him just so he could hold me like that, because I liked it and began to get aroused (sorry if it's TMI). So from then on, I found myself sexually attracted to only males. It's been a weird, confusing, bizarre, complex world dealing with these feelings. I've dealt with them for over a decade now. I feel like my sexuality is really focused on being dominated by another male in bed. I have emotional and romantic attractions to men, too, I believe. I've never kissed another man but I long to try. But the problem is, I'm still not sure that I know. I'm still not sure of anything. I constantly fantasize about men and women just don't turn me on at all. But I'm not ready to say "I'm gay" and not ever date women again. I don't know if I would really enjoy being sexually intimate with a man. Sure, I fantasize about it, but what if the reality is completely different? I grew up in a very racist, homophobic environment with little resistance to social change. I know if I come out as gay that it will be horrific. But I don't want to come out as bisexual, when I know I'm not sexually attracted to women. I find women pretty and beautiful, but I'm not turned on at all by the female body, and I'm kind of turned off by female breasts, not that they're ugly... but they just look kind of odd to me and I wouldn't feel comfortable touching them. But as for men, I love a big, strong, tall, muscular man with broad shoulders, big arms, a deep voice, and a handsome face. But I'm still not 100% sure about anything at all. I've never actually been with anyone. I've never even been on a date. But there's something about men... something about being close to a man. There's some kind of connection that I feel sometimes. It's like when I have a male friend, and we're friends but I know that I'm feeling something deeper and I don't understand it (which has happened before). The truth is, all the confusion over my sexuality has left me shy, withdrawn, and concerned that someone will find out (though I'm not feminine anymore, since I grew out of it for my parents, and I don't have much of a masculine side to embrace, which leaves me in kind of a boring state). So I've had a tough time being close to anyone these past five or six years because I don't really know how to make friends, and I'm shy and awkward and confused. I don't know who thinks I'm gay and who doesn't.. I imagine some people do, but most don't, because I'm not the kind of person someone around here would really think of as gay, and I don't really exhibit many gender-specific behaviors (I'm kind of gender-neutral and don't have strong masculine or feminine characteristics). I know someone who I can talk to but I don't know what to say to him. Do you think I should face my fears and try dating men? I think I could try dating both men and women to experiment, but I don't really know where to begin. Plus, I haven't even really thought about it, but what if no one even likes me? I have problems with low self-esteem and sometimes I just don't feel good about myself at all. I think I just need to develop some kind of confidence, some kind of reality where I'm okay with who I am. But that's hard to do because I'm so different.
first of all, happy late birthday! secondly, I come from a very christian household too. But I don't believe that the issue here is you coming out to others, it might be something you choose to do in the future, but right now I wouldn't suggest it. To me, it sounds like you still haven't come out to yourself. You sound like you aren't sexually attracted to women so I would say your gay, but there doesn't have to be a lable... sexuality is a spectrum. For you sound lie you need to get over the guilt of being who you really are. you don't have a say in it. you should embrace all of you even the personality quirks. If you wanna date , go ahead. however, its kind of like the saying"if you cant love yourself , how can you expect to love someone else?" but if you cant accept yourself, how do you expect others to? good luck
Welcome to EC! First off, I'd say you might need to finish coming out to the most important person - yourself. The evidence is pretty heavy. You've always been drawn to guys, you've fantasized almost exclusively about guys, so I'd say run with it. Will the reality be different from the fantasy? Definitely. Because it's reality. So there are going to be a bunch of things you didn't consider during the fantasy. But chances are excellent that you'll enjoy it despite those things...or perhaps even because of them. It's easy to get hung up on something minor here. You might think (say) "I don't think I'd ever like somebody topping me, so I guess I can't be gay". But sex - not just gay sex, ALL sex - is a buffet. You can try it all. Or you can decide a few things are what really turn you on, and so you're going to stick with those. It's totally up to you (and your partner) what you do. Another suggestion - interact with some gay people. You don't have to rush out and meet them if you don't think you're ready. Feel free to do it here to start. It's common for people who grow up in homophobic environments to feel a "disconnect" or barrier between themselves and "gay people". Like you don't have anything (really) in common with "them", and so it's easy to view them in a rather different light. Chatting with other gays can sort of remove that. You'll come to understand more completely that gays cover the entire spectrum of humanity. Yeah, some might be more X than Y, but that doesn't mean the Y people don't exist. So feel free to read some more threads, post a bit more, and get to know us. And feel free to ask any question you want. You can post here in this thread, or if you'd rather go one-on-one, you can click on my name to the left, choose "Private Message", and ask me that way. Either way, I think we can get you feeling more comfortable about who you are. Lex
Thank you for the answers. I do believe coming out to myself is very important. It was about two years ago that I stopped playing the denial game and realized that I wasn't straight, but I guess there's still a part of me that doesn't want to accept the fact that I really am not heterosexual. So I probably need a little more time with that. I do know a few gay people, maybe I can get to know them more and be brave and eventually talk to someone about this. It's just that embracing myself fully has been a hard part in all areas of life. I often feel that maybe I need to talk to a counselor about my self-esteem issues. It's true - I do feel attraction to men, masculinity, and mens' bodies. My sexual feelings were confusing for a long time, but it's weird that now that I'm not denying them anymore, I'm ready to understand them, they're coming together in weird ways. It's hard to explain in words, but I feel SO much better just accepting them and trying to sort them out and be logical than I did five to ten years ago when it was just denial, denial, denial, this can't be real... I mean, I remember the first time I started learned about what sexual attraction was and that you get erections when you are sexually aroused and I was like "oh my gosh, wait, what if I only get them from thinking about boys!?" and I was just like "oh no.." But now it's just... better. I just feel like I need to be sure before I come out to anyone, but I don't know how to be SURE. Because for ten or eleven years I told myself I wasn't sure at all. And I think that maybe I need more time to accept and love myself first.
Hi, and welcome to EC! I'm glad that you found us, and I hope we can help you work through your confusion. They very likely did. The idea that same-sex attraction is somehow a result of parental abuse or neglect is an outdated myth. Almost all current research agrees that sexual orientation is innate for most people rather than acquired. In other words, you were born this way. Everything you describe about your feelings and attractions growing up points strongly to the likelihood that you are gay. I am not usually so decisive about labeling people, as sexual fluidity does exist, but from your descriptions it seems quite clear that you are sexually attracted only to men and not to women. One thing to keep in mind is that sexual orientation is separate from sexual behaviour. A person can be gay (or straight) without ever having sex or being intimate. There certainly are probably potential sexual experiences with particular men that you would not enjoy - but that does not make you any less inherently attracted to men in general. Straight people can also have unpleasant or unsatisfying sexual experiences, but this does not make them any less straight. I'm very sorry to hear that this is the situation you find yourself in. It is possible that some of your friends and family might end up being more accepting than you think in the long run - often, people's views start to evolve once they find out that someone they love is gay. But that's not to say that you won't encounter a lot of hurtful prejudice and rejection along the way. What I often tell people in this kind of situation is that you are basically faced with two painful choices. You have the painful choice to come out to your loved ones and risk rejection. Or you have the painful choice to hide yourself away and remain lonely. The reality that you need to confront is that there will be some kind of pain. It's unavoidable, and it will require a great deal of courage to make the best choices for yourself. Many people who do come out under these types of circumstances end up moving away to a more accepting place and starting a new life for themselves. Some even stay where they are and manage to find happiness. I won't say it's easy, but I think most people would agree that living in a way that is true to who they are is preferable to hiding themselves forever. That said, you may not be ready to take the step of coming out yet. It might be a good idea for you to work on building greater confidence in yourself and accepting yourself first. If you have a friend you can talk to that you feel you can trust, then yes, I would encourage you to do so. Say to him exactly what you've said to us here. You can even copy your words here and send them to him if that's easier for you. Find out also if there are any LGBT support groups in your area where you can drop in and meet other people like yourself (if you want to send me or any of the other staff members a PM with your location, we can try to help you find a group). Because the thing is, you really aren't so different. If you spend some more time reading the stories on this forum, you'll see that there are many, many other people out there like you.
Thanks for your response! You are all very helpful. I'm pretty sure that something deep down seems much more natural than "I'm looking for a father figure" or "it's just a result of childhood trauma".... I don't really like the idea of placing the blame of my sexuality on anyone else, especially my parents.. When I say emotional abuse, what I mean is my father had to work hard to support us and at times lashed out as us through anger. He is also diabetic, and I believe some of the prescriptions changed his behavior a lot and so there was a good bit of yelling, tantrums, all that. It wasn't like he wasn't there for me. I had him and uncles and grandparents... I had plenty of male influence and I know that all the men in my life love me. While my father isn't the easiest person in the world to get along with, we love each other very much. I'm not looking to fill a void of a lack of male influence in my life. It just feels more natural than that. I understand that I probably am gay. I guess I just need more time to adjust, discover what I am really feeling, and accept myself for who I am. There's still a small chance that I could be bisexual, but I don't know because the sexual attraction to females just isn't there. I still could see myself being with a female (I could see myself being with anyone who really loves me) but there's something missing with the idea of it. I'm confident that someday I'll understand.
Yeah, I know where you're coming from. They definitely feed on each other, though. You might be gay, and that can affect your self-esteem, which means you might be less inclined to go out and interact with gay guys, which can lead you to think "Well, nobody will be interested in me", which damages the self-esteem further...vicious cycle. Not to put too fine a point on it, it's the difference between jerking off while thinking "What's wrong with me?", and jerking off while thinking "Damn, this is hot." Lex
Exactly! Because usually it's like both feelings. Sometimes I feel bad afterwards and I have to try to not feel guilty. That's what I'm hoping to get to eventually.
