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Please help me save/not fuck up my friendship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ser Pounce, Aug 16, 2012.

  1. Ser Pounce

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone,

    I have this very good (probably my best) friend, that I came out to a few months ago and he's been pretty cool. Before coming out (to a few people), I was kind of apathetic to many things, sometimes including my friends, who I wasn't sure were ok with gay people (e.g. calling people "faggot" in online games and using "gay" as a negative adjective, you all know the stuff)
    Since coming out to him, he has told me that our friendship means a lot to him and when talking to him about problems with his girlfriend he told me that I am one of very few people he can really seriously talk to. This obviously made me feel good, but also kind of surprised me, because he is a very popular guy and many people's best friend, people who I think are much more socially adept than I am and who sometimes also get hurt by his popularity.
    He was/is going to be in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend (she's here for a few months) and her attitude weighs him down pretty hard at the moment.

    This is where my problems start:
    Despite praising my listening skills, he almost never talks to me about his problems and honestly many of our recent conversations seem superficial to me. This might be my fault, too. But when we do talk, he doesn't have much time and tells me he will tell me more about it later, which never happens. I mostly blame this on the fact that his girlfriend is here and he has much to do with his studies and football (soccer :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:).

    However, when we were out with a few friends last Saturday, he didn't talk to me much. My guess is he noticed and tried to make up for that when he took me along to get drinks, but we almost instantly ran into a female friend of his...later he sat beside me for a minute, but another friend called him over and he spend the rest of the night talking to her.
    This would be less of a problem if we wouldn't study in different cities and therefore only see each other about every 2 or 3 weeks. So I was pretty bummed and mostly talked to another good friend.

    I would have settled for being just another one of his many friends, but I'm kind of invested now that he apparently sees me as such a good friend...but situations like that make me question those remarks.

    My reaction so far has been to get a bit more distanced, because almost every time I ask if he wants to do something he has other plans or people surprise-visit him and he has to go offline.
    Today, when he asked me how my day was I answered "ok" and gave him some other non-answers, instantly being angry at myself for being so passive-aggressive. But I don't want to bring it up either, because I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

    Since coming out I have had much stronger feelings (see: my apathy before), I've been overall happier for a few months, but recently I often get sad or angry quite easily (e.g. when reading about bigots/ignorants). So could I be overreacting in this case? If so, how do I get rid of these negative feelings?

    If not, what should I do/say?
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

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    Well, here's the deal. It sounds like he DOES feel he can open up around you. But ONLY you. So whenever there's somebody else around, he stops being "Human" and reverts to being "Mr Popular And Friendly". Given this, I'd suggest that you try a few things.

    1. Try to set up something where just the two of you can sit down and talk.

    2. Resign yourself to him having his "public face" on when you get together, since he's apparently bound to run into other people he knows. And stick with the personal "human" side of him when you're on the phone or online with him.

    Lex
     
  3. Ser Pounce

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Thanks Lex, I think that makes sense.

    I guess I'll have to stick with 2 for the moment, since it will probably be some time until just the two of us can see each other.