so all my life i've had problems, who hasn't? i don't want this to be a sob story as such, i don't like complaining about my life & i'm not good with receiving sympathy. at 7 i developed stress-prone sleep-related epilepsy around the time my 14 year old sister got pregnant which ripped our family apart so i had to watch violent arguments quite frequently. i'm not sure when i developed whatever mental illness i have (i haven't got a diagnosis for several reasons but i'm 99% sure i have borderline personality disorder as i've read a lot about it over the years & it fits me perfectly). i was in an awful relationship at 14/15; i fell too hard, was too young & trusting - he cheated on me and got the girl pregnant (they now have a beautiful little boy & i get on okay with her), lied to me, really messed with my head & how i thought about the world & myself. i had a miscarriage at 15 that no one but him knew about at the time. the main reason i'm writing this is for Lee. i met him on 23rd may 2011. i honestly believe he is the love of my life, but i treated him badly, really awfully infact, which i think is partly to blame on the ex mentioned above. i always thought if i kept my distance i'd be safe, if you don't care then you can't get hurt ever again. i was wrong. every time i got too close i ran away. i left him several times. i slept with one of his mates & i cost him his best friend. he gave up so much for me, he changed so much, he forgave so much of what i did. i was always ice cold. he was perfect, the most beautiful person i've ever met, inside & out. he treated me like a princess, like i actually deserved his love. i took advantage cause i thought he'd be there forever. i was so fucked up i was never ready, one day i would have sorted myself out, but i'd pushed him too far before that day came. i never thought he'd leave me, i never wanted him to. everytime i ran away i ended up back to him, i always returned home, cause thats exactly what he was: my home. underneath it all i loved him so much, it was always about him, there was no one else for me. the last thing he said to me was 'leave me the hell alone you weird obsessive manipulative lying waste of skin'. i've never forgot that. everyday i tell myself that i am nothing. i dream about him all the time (which is weird for me as i never remembered my dreams before). i keep dreaming & daydreaming that something bad has happened to him, that he's in hospital & that no one will tell me anything or let me see him. in reality he could die & i wouldn't know cause nobody would tell me. it feels like he's dead, like i'm mourning the loss of him. & it's all my fault. how am i supposed to live with that? the shame and the guilt is overwhelming every single day & there's nothing i can do about it. i finally sorted myself out the day i last heard from him. i've quit drinking, smoking, and eating meat, in a bid to strengthen my willpower and become a better person. all i want to do is drink & smoke myself to death, but i can't do it, on his honour i can't. i've lost a stone in weight. i'm doing the things i told him i'd do & never did. i'm getting a tattoo of the number 23 in roman numerals next week, the number has so many connections to him so i want it in my skin forever. i pray every night, i was never really a believer before, but i light a candle & thank god for all i have, for giving me strength, also for forgiveness and to keep him safe, to send an angel to watch over him. i'm not close to my family & i don't have any really good friends who i can talk to my problems about, so it's all kept inside. the person i'd tell all this to is him.... 'i'll return to you, i'll return to you in dreams the sun sets in our eyes in dreams we'll never be apart in dreams i promise you'll never be alone how much i wish your voice could send me home'
Well I don't really know what to say. Even though it's a bit of a sad story, it's kind of sweet in a way too.
