Being GAY is a problem to me.

Hi there, and welcome to EC!

First of all: take some deep breaths. It's normal that being gay seems like an overwhelming prospect, but I assure you: it is perfectly manageable. Not necessarily easy, but manageable.

Now, some thoughts and suggestions:

- There's no answering the why question. People sometimes turn out gay the way they also turned out brown-eyed, blonde-haired, with a talent for swimming or nearsighted. It's a combination of nature and nurture, but in the end, it's not the hand you're dealt with that counts, it's how you play it.
And it really does help to see being gay as just one other thing about you. Some others might not understand that at first, but the more casual you act about it, the more they'll see it really doesn't have to define you.


Sure, when I'm around my friends, I'm the butt of some "gay" jokes. But not any more than others get poked fun at for being short, or tall, or heavy. Coming out did make them wonder whether i would change, but some weeks later, we did the same things we always did. They just happened to know I'm gay.

- Okay, having children is harder if you're gay. You're effectively going to have to explore adoption or surrogacy.
BUT: here too, it's best not to get too caught up in the idea of the ideal straight life being stolen from you. Imagine you were straight, married a lovely girl and then... found out she couldn't get pregnant. What do you do then? Dump the girl and pick another one? Fall to your knees and give up? No, you'd make it work as best you could.
Most people eventually just end up exploring other options when they're straight. And it's no different for gay guys.
So by all means: keep your dream. Just accept the plan to get there will be a bit different from what you thought it would be.

- What you have to do and the right thing to do is the same. You keep your original goals, and change the plan to get them, taking into account that you're gay. You don't find a girlfriend, but a boyfriend. Any school or work plans essentially stay the same. You can still have that house you wanted, those friends you wanted. For kids, there'll be some work adopting or finding someone to carry your child to term, but in the end, you will hold a kid in your arm and call it your son/daughter.

I used to think my life would change utterly when I came out. But it didn't. I hang out in the same bar, I play the same sports with the same guys, and I make the same jokes while playing the same videogames.
I kept all that's good about it, with the difference that the wife I'd have in my fantasies will come with some more stubble and a slightly different pants contents


Okay, the above is broad. Some more immediately useful steps you could take:
- First of all: keep reading and posting. Even if you start off mostly venting... talking is better than keeping it in for years. And often by talking to people in similar situations, it's easier to understand where you stand.

- You don't know any gay people around you... yet. But it might help to see if there's any groups for gay people around that you could try joining. At the very least, it would give you a good cross-section of what gay people are like in real life. Even one who is good friend material can help you here.
And at worst... you wasted one night with people that don't appeal to you. Seems like the rewards are worth that risk.

- Often, coming out and seeing the sky doesn't fall is a real eye-opener. That doesn't mean you need to announce it on the town square. But you might think if there isn't one friend who you could tell. Someone who's open-minded, discreet, and knows you well enough to talk this through with. The first few friends I told were real lifesavers in that regard. Once I told them, and found out it wasn't an issue for them, it became that much easier for me not to see it as a big issue.


Okay, those are my initial thoughts. I'll stop before I write you a novel. And others might have other good ideas. Do stay around and vent/talk some more! I promise you being gay isn't as bad as it seems!

 

You know being gay was a huge problem for me as well. I just didn't understand why me, I also cried myself to sleep at night. Sometimes, before I would go to bed, I would pray to God to make me straight. Well, when that didn't work I decided to deny my feelings hoping they would go away. However, they became stronger, the fight became too difficult and in the end, I lost. Therefore, I had no choice, but to accept myself. I did not become gay overnight, I surely did not choose to be like this.

After much soul searching, I'm finally at peace we who I am and I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. Everyday is a blessing for me because I would not be here today if I hadn't accepted myself. It broke my heart to hear about the increase in teenage suicides that occurred over the past few years. I know what it feels like to hate who you are, there's no worse feeling than that.

Today is the day you have to make a change, you can still have kids and become the great father you're destined to be. You're gay, everything else remains the same. I tried the whole family thing, but it didn't work; I'm still gay and I'm fine with that. Women are beautiful! It's pretty normal what you are experiencing because I've been where you are before. I just wish I would've found this site a lot sooner, I could've save myself a lot unnecessary heartaches.

I'm glad that you decided to come here, EC is great and there's plenty of people here who can help you. Talking to people like me helped me become more confident. I slowly realized that being gay isn't so bad. I was mainly influenced by negative suggestions from other people even people I didn't know. I have to learn not care about what people think of me. I didn't know how my life would end up; I know for sure that I didn't wanna be miserable, so I had to accept who I am. Whether you're gay or bi, you don't have to have everything figured out right now. Whatever you do, do not deny your feelings; that has been one of my biggest regrets. There's nothing wrong with being gay, keep telling yourself that until you believe it.

 

I second what everyone else said, just want to add this.

Being gay or bi or what ever doesn't mean you are a second class citizen, that's a label corporations use when referring to income. In fact I believe we are superior to straights, cause we can sometimes switch roles and think in different ways. We far more creative, loving and helpful than the rest.

 

Welcome to EC! I'm just going to answer your questions, and comment on your statements, as I reach them

Straight people know fuckall about being gay. Yeah, there are various challenges and obstacles involved. There are also many rewards. I'll just make it simple by saying I think many of my straight friends wish they were living MY life, rather than vice versa. And I'm talking rock musicians and pro athletes.

Believe it or not, this Is one if the positive aspects (to me) about being gay. There's no template. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to be gay. If you want to follow the straight template of meeting a guy, settling down in the suburbs, white picket fence, dog, two and a half children...that's available. If you want to date around or sleep around first, that's open. If you want to sleep around the rest of tour life, that's an option. If you want to remain a virgin forever, your call.

Being liberated from that template freed me from many others. My career path can accurately be called "surreal", and I'm still drawing it at age 42. Mu friends come from all walks of life. My hobbies and interests are unusual. And I'm enjoying my life more than you can possibly imagine.

Two things to say. First off, if you insist on creating a chid of your own DNA, that's still an option. But second, I have plenty of friends - gay and straight - who have adopted their children. And they're not surrogates. They're not babysitting someone else's child for eighteen years. They are PARENTS, full stop. Anyone can create a child. Not everyone can raise one. To me, the genetic goop doesn't matter at all. It's what happens to the creation afterwards that matters.

Someone somewhere presumably looks at Lex, and doesn't see the sports fan or the music obsession or the job, but sees only "gay". So fucking what? Just because he sees only that doesn't mean that's all there is. I'm not living my life for him - I'm living it for me. It's no different from someone looking at you and only seeing (say) what state you're from. Do you chase down people on the street to insist that just because you're from Jersey, there's so much more to you than that? Hell, you probably don't even think twice about anyone who might think that. Guess what? Same thing.

She deserves a happy son. And her options are a miserable gay-son-pretending-to-be-straight, or a happy gay-son-living-as-gay. I'm gonna suggest the latter.

Back to your first question.

Why are you gay? Probably the same reason I'm gay. You got lucky. Some of us view our sexuality not as a curse but as a blessing. Maybe we can get you there, too.

Lex

 

try to put a positive spin on it: instead of taking life (and sex) for granted, instead of following the *straight* and narrow path that is portrayed as the *right* path, you get to make your own path. every experience is a lesson. instead of thinking of things as good or bad, look for what you can learn or absorb from everything you experience. personally, i would not wish to be straight. i used to wish i could be pansexual but i am truly grateful that i'm gay. it's a perspective that fewer people get to have, and i feel like it has helped me break free of any desire to live conventionally (to me, convention is boring, numbing, and damaging to the human spirit). i'm sorry that you're suffering, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to embrace who you are. don't compare your life to anyone else's. gay people can still have children, it just requires more intention. think of all the children in this world who are born to careless straight people. would you trade your dream of truly wanting to raise a child for the simple ease of creating one? the thing that you have to do is truly accept yourself, you are you for a reason, and love yourself because ultimately you are the one person who will always be there for you. i hope you find your path and experience lots of love and positivity there.

 

I think I know exactly how you feel. I came out to myself later in life, and I had to ask myself a lot of the same questions as you are. A LOT of people here have.

Why couldn't I have been like everyone else? Why couldn't have been married and had the family I always wanted? Why'd I have to be the brunt of people's gay jokes? Someone to be taunted, teased - loathed even. How come I had to be saddled with this... this state of being for lack of a better term, instead of fulfilling my dreams of the perfect life? Why'd I have to be gay and ruin it all?

Wanna know what answer I finally came up with for myself? - That it doesn't matter anyway. The good person I was, always was, and the people who cared for me still do. Love comes from within first, THEN from without. You can still be the parent you wanted to be. You can still be loved and respected by others, but first you have to be able to respect yourself, and know that it's all okay. It's all about self-perception.

Seems to me that's where you're at right now... you need to be able to respect yourself, instead of thinking of yourself as second-class. You need to bring yourself to a place where you can know that your mother got exactly what she deserves... a good son who loves her.

Can you do that?

 

Glad to know we could help you with that first step. Know that it can take time to totally come to grips with this, even after you start the process. But it sounds like the process has finally begun.

Lex