More complicated than trig

[Neph]

Alright, I'm all sorts of messed up lately. I've spent ten years of my life forcing myself further and further into denial. It's to the point that I'm not sure if I'm actually attracted to girls, or if I've just forced myself to be to better push that 'other' part of myself away.

I grew up in a family that is not very supportive on any subject, and has a fairly passionate rant ready at any given time on the evils of homosexuality. I'm a pretty open individual, and I'm okay with people who are of various sexual orientations. And that's part of why I'm so confused why I'm so uncomfortable with it in myself.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. My point is that I've been repressing this for years, but I don't think I can anymore. I need to get out into the world and see for myself just how far my attraction to the same sex goes. But, I have a girlfriend. And I love her, I really do, but whether that love is simply as a very close friend or as something more isn't very clear in my mind. I want to tell her that I need to find myself, but she has poor self-esteem and I'm afraid she'll take it the wrong way. Advice?

[Lexington]

If you say "I need to find myself, and see how far my same-sx attraction goes", then yeah, she might take it the wrong way. That sounds like "I need to go have sex with guys for awhile - wait for me, OK?" If you say, "I've tried denying I was gay for years, but I don't think I can deny it anymore, somI think it's best to break up so you can find someone who really can lve you completely", she's less likely to. She won't be pleased, presumably, but she'll be more likely to understand.

Lex

[wc1]

I agree with Lexington - to an extent. How about you just break up with her and forego the 'I might be gay' reason? That way you can go exploring and then decide for yourself rather than her watching you being like 'you better be gay now' (not sure if that would actually happen though!). However, if you have now come to the deicision that you are gay (which you sort of sound like you have) then yeah go for Lexington's second tactic, you have repressed it for too long, you need someone who loves you (in a straight way).

[Neph]

Well, the thing is that we met through a club at school. Our circles of friends severely overlap. It's not like I can break up with her and never see her again. I'm also her first boyfriend. I'm afraid that if I tell her my reason for wanting to end things, she'll blame herself, and if I give her no reason, she'll probably still find a way to make it her fault. She was bullied all through her school years, and her family is very overbearing. An image of self confidence, she is not.

[Aldrick]

Alright, I'm going to give you a bit of life advice that I've had to learn the hard way. You can't control the feelings of other people, and the people who have those feelings need to own them. You also can't put your life on hold for the sake of someone else.

I'm a horrible offender on both of those accounts. Generally speaking, when I'm putting someone else before myself I'm making an excuse as to why I couldn't do something that I wanted to do... mostly because I was afraid to do it and the person in question was a convenient excuse.

As for what you do... I'm assuming you're at college? How much do you trust her as a friend? If you trust her as a friend, then you might be open about what you've gone through. Though, I'd only do this if I believed she'd be supportive and was capable of not gossiping. It can be very hard coming to terms with your sexuality without the pressures of other people knowing; in my opinion it's always better to work things out yourself and THEN come out. It makes it much easier to handle any issues that might come your way, because you have a stronger sense of who you are.

If you don't know where she stands on LGBT topics; there is plenty of stuff going on in the world that it makes it easy to bring up. Broaching the topic with her is very helpful, you can even ease into things about your family's stance on LGBT issues, and how you disagree with them. Once you get a read on her, you can then find a way to broach that you might be questioning your sexual orientation.

Honesty and good communication are important components to any relationship, and if you think you're gay you can either break her heart now or break it later by further leading her along. That might sound harsh, but that's the unfortunate truth. If you're thinking about experimenting sexually with other guys behind her back, that's likely only going to make things worse when she ultimately finds out.

No matter what you decide, I want to welcome you to EC. I hope you keep us updated and stick around.

[Neph]

I hadn't really thought of it that way. I do tend to have a bit of an impulsive nature, and if I just keep putting it off something will probably have to happen to force me into having the conversation. You're right, though, telling her is the kinder course of action, even if it makes things awkward. I'm not too worried about gossip, many of our friends in that club are very accepting (some of them even a mite obsessed) with LGBT. I have some time to find my bearings before I see her again, so I guess I should use that time wisely.