Need feedback

[Lance400]

I am 41 married and trying not to be gay but it is hard. My wife and I separated for a year and got back together two years ago. We have not had sex for at least four years. We tried two times but have no chemistry. we have kids. My wife has no idea of my attraction to men. It is something no one in my life understands. I am attracted to women when I see them. I don't think about men. In grade school and college there were a couple of women I was attracted to but the girl in grade school did not like me. The girl in college was my love but I did not let it happen because of my gay feelings. I did not want to hurt her. I regretted that and we traded looks for 4 years. It was the most painful experience of my life. Years later settled for my wife thinking the love would develop. My first time was age 28. I prefer - msaturating to naked men not naked women. I going to start counseling. Anyone relate?

[J Snow]

I'm not sure why you are trying to fight your attraction to men. I understand if you want to stay with your wife for your kids, but honestly I think you might be better parents if you weren't both forcing yourself to be in a relationship you aren't happy with. You deserve to be happy. I honestly think you would be a better role model to your kids if you allowed yourself to be in a relationship with the sex you are happy being with.

Counseling is definitely a good idea. Its very good that you are seeing counseling. Its been tremendously helpful to me, and I think it will help you too.

[BudderMC]

I think it's important to note that you can't "not be gay", no matter how much you want it to happen or how hard you try.

Also, I'm a little confused: you say you're gay but you say you're attracted to women. Is that a platonic "oh she's so beautiful" attraction, or actual sexual attraction?

Regardless whether you are or are not attracted to women, you are not attracted to your wife. Why did you and your wife get back together? Like J Snow said, you can still be a good parent and a family for your kids, but that doesn't mean you have to be together to do so.

Counselling is definitely a good step to take. Do you have anyone else in your life you could talk with about this? A close friend or family member maybe?

[Lance400]

Thanks for replying. I literally have no one to share with. I decided to meet new people, new friends who are gay or bisexual to talk to. Also, much of my confusion stems from inexperience sexually. besides my wife I have had sex one time each with two different women. While separated I went to a gay dance bar and met a guy. We kissed and groped each other but that was it. I did not want to go further because it was way to fast for me. With kids I have to really be careful. I want to explore this issue to find out if I am gay or bisexual. I don't think I am straight but I have had so little sexual experience that I want get counseling and develop tools to deal with my sexual orientation questions. I have never had anal sex with a man as top or bottom. I have had gay fantasies since high school. Also I from an ethnic group that arranged marriages. We have never had a divorce in my family except for my moms cousin whom I barely know.

---------- Post added 17th Aug 2012 at 06:37 PM ----------

I am confused because my wife turns me off bit I find other women sexually attractive. I notice attractive women I see. I notice their ass and breasts and figure. When I used to go to strip clubs o would get wet when a dancer grinded on me. Yet when I look at porn and masturbate I get bored looking at women but I get immediately stimulated when looking at gay porn. I like the concept of having a same sex partner because I know exactly how he feels when I stimulate him. Although I have gadgety limited encounters sexually with men this is what I am thinking

[Aldrick]

There are some other guys who have been in very similar situations as you on this forum, and I hope that they chime in...

However, a few things that I want to say.

1. Being gay isn't really about sex, though of course sexual desire is part of it. It's about romantic feelings toward men, but it's perfectly possible to repress these feelings.

2. I think seeing a counselor is a great idea, however I think it is very important that you make sure the counselor you locate is experienced with people in your situation - specifically men who are married but discover their sexuality later in life. This counselor will prove to be the most beneficial for you.

3. There are gay men who are sexually aroused by straight porn, and masturbate to it. Thus, I'm certain there could be straight men who are aroused by gay porn. This is why romantic feelings are a better measure of sexual orientation than sexuality.

4. Just because someone provides you with physical stimulation does not mean you're aroused. Getting an erection is not the same thing as being turned on. Obviously, if someone is grinding against your genitals the friction is going to cause arousal; this can happen even if you don't want it to happen. You really don't have much control over it.

5. I don't recommend cheating on your wife to experiment. Some other guys who've been in similar situations as you have said that's actually one of their greatest regrets - it's what hurt their wives the most. In seeking counseling, if you think you might be gay, or want to experiment you need to think about talking to your wife about this. Having a good counselor will be instrumental in how you handle this aspect of your life; especially since you have kids involved in your relationship with your wife.

6. No one can tell you whether you're gay or not, because no one knows your inner feelings except yourself.

7. Continue coming to EC. Welcome to the website, it's a wonderful community and a great resource. I hope you keep us updated on your progress.

Again, welcome.