I have this really close guy friend who has decided to tell me something personal. He told ME because he knows that I am Kinsey-5 so, he thought I could give him the best advice. Well, he is 15, he has been sexually experimenting with other guys. He told me that, he likes being pleased by guys and he is aroused by them BUT he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with anybody that isn't female. It isn't because he wants to put up a front, he just thinks a relationship is more enjoyable for him when it is him and a girl. He asked me if, even though he wants to date girls, does being aroused by boys make him gay? I really don't know what to tell him so, I'm coming to my trusted friends at EC. Thanks so much you guys. -Cierra
I think if I were talking to him, I'd be asking what makes a relationship "more enjoyable", and why a girl does that better than a guy. A relationship is comprised of a few things, like passion, intimacy, and commitment, just to name a few. Now, technically speaking, the only real difference between a guy and a girl relationship-wise would be well... the things you do in bed together. I guess there are certain traits that are more common in one gender than the other, but they aren't gender-exclusive. Other than that, I think the only other thing I can think of why he'd prefer a girl would be social stigma. I'm guessing part of the fun of being in a relationship is being able to show off your significant other and spend time with them in public. If you're a homosexual couple, there's definitely a fear for a lot of people that you can't go public with things like that. That may not be his reason, but I think it's a possibility. Though, I guess he could just be a heteroromantic homosexual. I think more than anything he needs to figure out (or truthfully answer to himself) why he wants to be in a relationship with a girl over a guy, whether it's fear or preference or whatever. I think that'll end up answering most of the questions.
This is a complicated question; made more difficult by his age. Here are a couple of things I would say, were I in your position. First, I'd tell him that there was nothing wrong with his feelings. He should follow what feels natural to him, and whatever he wants he'll eventually figure out. He's very young, after all, and he shouldn't feel that he has to be this or that. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Second, I'd talk to him about safe sex. Since he's sexually experimenting with other boys, it is very important that he gets this talk. A lot of kids don't realize it, but there are other teenagers who carry STD's. It's not "safe" just because everyone involved is young. If he is sexually experimenting with adult men... we'd have to have another talk in addition to the safe sex talk. Third, I'd point him to this website. It's a good place for him to begin talking about things and trying to figure stuff out. My personal guess - and that's all it is - based on what you've written... He's probably gay, and is having a bit of trouble accepting this fact. Since he's fifteen years old, he's likely hasn't had a lot of time to explore these thoughts and feelings. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he might be bisexual, simply because I don't know how he feels toward girls. As a general rule, I say it's romantic attraction that makes you gay and not the sex; however, there are some people who are genuinely gay but don't want relationships with someone of the same sex. Primarily, in a lot of cases, due to social stigma and internalized homophobia. However, it's hard to know what is up with him without speaking to him first, and furthermore due to his age he could still be trying to figure things out.
