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I can't contact the guy I like

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by andrewshell11, Aug 17, 2012.

  1. andrewshell11

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There is a guy I like and I know this guy likes me. We have sort of dated in the past.. but this all ended when I found out he told people about it (I am closeted). This pissed me off and I quickly seized all contact with him. Then it started again.. to the same result. Now we are back in school and he is in one of my classes for the first time.. After seeing him, I quickly missed him and thought I'd text him after school. I attempted this but his number was changed (not because of me.. but he changed it previously because of harassment I'm guessing). I then went on Facebook and unblocked him.. Then i noticed his account had been deleted.. So I quickly thought "well... I can always resort to Twitter." So I go on Twitter and look. He said that he is taking a break from Facebook. I looked at his most recent tweet and it was about a month ago. I tweeted to him "Hey! Text me!" knowing that it'd be a while to get a response. I then went to Skype and readded him.. I am hoping he accepts quickly.

    I am seriously wanting to talk to him again and make things right... but I'm closeted so I'm unable to make it obvious that I like him at school. Coming out isn't an option. I am not ready and besides, even the teachers are homophobic here!

    Anyways, what do you guys think I can do to get back into contact with him?
     
  2. prism

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    Seeing as how every mode of social media has failed you, I would say just talk to him in person.

    Is he out? Being asked to keep your relationship a secret sucks. He was probably very hurt after you stopped talking to him. I'm assuming it wasn't his intention to out you or hurt you when he told people. Unless he's okay with keeping the relationship on the down low, which it sounds like he isn't, it wouldn't be fair of you to string him along.

    Personally, I don't want to date anyone until I'm "ready" to come out. It's not fair to the other person.
     
  3. Gravity

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    I may have missed something here, but...why, exactly, do you want to get in contact with him in the first place? To start with, he outed you against your will, and whether it was that or something else, for some reason you had him blocked on facebook for what sounds like a while. So what changed?

    Also, what do you mean by wanting to "make it right"? Do you have a specific goal for what you want to happen if you do get back in touch?

    Finally, if you really are set on talking to him again, can't you just talk to him after class at some point?

    Like I said, I may be missing something here, but these are my general impressions so far.
     
  4. andrewshell11

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    He isn't really out. He did it because he could and he admitted to that. By making things right, I mean I want him to know that I still like him and I want to talk things over and make sure that he wouldn't attempt to out me again. I have managed to cover up the previous outings because nobody believed them... I like him. I changed my mind because I saw him and thought of the good times. I just really want him back.. Talking to him after class is going to be suspicious as I'm pretty high up in the social status and everyone stays with me.. so whatever I say, they will hear.
     
  5. There's no way to make sure that he won't out you again. He's done so at least twice in the past, so I doubt the third time is the charm in this case. Like Gravity said, why do you want to contact someone who has so blatantly disrespected you? I understand that you like him, and people often overlook a person's flaws or idealise them when they're crushing, but to pursue him would most likely result in a very unhealthy relationship.
     
  6. Aldrick

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    Alright, I'm still not sure how he outed you exactly. Did he tell someone you both were dating? You said he isn't really out, which I'm taking to mean that he is closeted as well. Thus, if he was telling people it means he was also coming out of the closet.

    The reason I'm asking for clarification here is because it's hard to give advice on how to proceed unless I know exactly what went down. Was it a direct stab in the back, intentionally and on purpose? If so, why would he act that way? Or was it some High School bullshit where everyone suspects that he is gay, and he told people you both were friends or something. This then led to people to spread rumors and other B.S.

    My gut is telling me that people suspect he is gay, if he had to change his number due to harassment; it likely means that other kids at the school are harassing him.

    Honestly, to be completely blunt if you don't have the courage to say, "Hey man, can you text me later today?" Then I don't know how you can make a friendship with him work.

    I can just imagine how he feels as he watches you walk down the halls with your friends, and then don't even acknowledge his existence... but then in private you want to be buddy-buddy with him, so long as no one else is looking. Again to be bluntly honest, if you treated me that way I wouldn't even want to associate with you as a friend; forget about even thinking about being a boyfriend. I don't care how deeply in the closet you are, if you couldn't even muster up the courage to talk to me in front of other people, then my desire to talk to you at all would be pretty much at zero.

    If your friends are the type of people who would give you a hard time for talking to him, who would start rumors about you, and make you feel like crap for communicating with someone else... then I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you that they aren't really your friends. They're a bunch of little bratty teenagers that need to be reminded of just how childlike they really are. On the other hand, if your friends wouldn't really give a damn one way or another, and it's just your own fear and insecurity preventing you from speaking to him face-to-face and asking him to get in touch with you... then you just need to find the courage to do it.

    You basically have a choice here. It's a values choice. On one side you have your fears regarding your social standing, your reputation, and your "friends." On the other side you have your self-respect, your authenticity, and a future friendship and possibly romantic relationship with a guy. Now, you have to choose which one is more important to you if you're in a situation in which you can't have all of these things.

    This doesn't mean you have to come out of the closet, and if he actually outed you by telling people that you were both gay and in a relationship together that is a huge problem. However, if you can't even say something like, "Hey man, can you text me later? It looks like you changed your number or something." If you can't say something that simple to him publicly, then I'm not sure how you can manage a friendship let a lone a relationship with this guy.

    I'm sorry if any of this comes off as too harsh, but from what you've written it seems to be the truth of the situation. I can't say whether this guy is even worth being friends with because I don't know the circumstances under which he outed you. However, you can't control him. You can only control yourself, and if you want to reach out to him then you're going to have to actually make some effort.
     
  7. andrewshell11

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    Aldrick, I know where you are coming from. Everyone suspects him to be gay. He tried to out me by bluntly telling his friends "oh yeah he is gay. He told me." knowing I'd get mad. I don't want to seem like a bad person because I'm not. I love everyone... I don't want everything in my social status to be ruined over something that may or may not work out. Being "popular" in high school sucks at times.