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is it time? i have a chance to come out to my brother but should i?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by needshelp, Aug 17, 2012.

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  1. needshelp

    needshelp
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    okay, so it's been almost a year of acceptance, learning and understanding myself a little better, i feel that it's time to at least let someone who's close to me know my little secret.

    i've went to support groups, lgbt centers, advisors, listened to advice from many people on here and elsewhere on advice with coming out in the past few months and now, i honestly feel scared as can be where i don't know what to say or how to reveal it to that person. that person being my brother. :tears: him and me are exact opposites. i've thought about coming out to others such as one of my friends yesterday but i didn't trust him enough to tell him my secret being that he would tell everyone he would come across. i think my brother might be the one who will be the first one to get the "news". the only problem is that he's says homophobic things and he constantly expresses disapproval about gay people. i'm thinking about telling him during our road to new york today but the thing is i honestly don't know if i should tell him or not. i know that it will eventually happen but i don't know if it should be at that moment. i'm a bit scared because i know this might be a huge mistake in the making and i might end up in some serious problems but i think it's something that has to be done sooner or later.

    what do you guys think? i personally am ready to tell him but my nervousness and fear might not make the words come out of mouth.
     
    #1 needshelp, Aug 17, 2012
  2. Gravity

    Gravity
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    A couple thoughts. First, if he says homophobic things all the time and is pretty antagonistic towards gay people, why have you chosen him to come out to first? I'm not saying it's the wrong choice, everybody has different preferences and you should do what you feel like is best for you, I'm just wondering why you chose him.

    Second, if it's a road trip to New York that you were mentioning, then - again - it's ultimately your choice, but there might be some problems with that. The biggest one is just that you'll be stuck together 24/7, possibly in a car for large portions of it, and if he's uncomfortable with the news it might give him the feeling of being "trapped," so to speak. The conventional wisdom is to tell people individually, in a private place, where they can leave if they feel like they need time to process. Now, I haven't always done that myself - in fact, I came out to my dad shortly *before* a drive across the country together - and it didn't always come back to bite me. But, it's a possibility.

    So there are some thoughts, but in the end, he's your brother. I'd say it's your choice. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Gravity, Aug 17, 2012
  3. needshelp

    needshelp
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    well, never thought about it like that but that makes sense.

    as to why i chose my brother, i feel that at this point, he's really the only person i could tell that won't go behind me and share my secret with everyone else. he just can't disown me without a reason or without letting my parents know which will happen too. i really don't know. it's one of those situations which i really don't have any room to walk around it. it's not like i live on my own away from family.
     
    #3 needshelp, Aug 17, 2012
  4. Aldrick

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    I want to echo everything Gravity wrote. I also want to add a few things.

    First, you said you've been to support groups, lgbt centers, advisers, etc. This is fantastic news! This is a great step. I'm hoping you've made some friends from all of this, right? If so, it means you have a support network behind you of people who already accept and embrace you.

    Second, having people like that behind you is very important. If you don't have these things, then coming out for the first time to someone who is either homophobic or a bigot isn't really a good idea. Not because you shouldn't do it, but simply because a bad experience could make it harder to come out to other people down the line. It also helps to come out to someone who you think will support and accept you first, primarily because most people need to build a support network of someone they can turn to if things go badly. However, if you already have that you're well ahead of the game.

    Third, I'm unsure of the type of relationship you have with your brother. My guess is that you both must be at least somewhat close, otherwise you wouldn't have chosen to place such trust in him. However, I caution you against thinking that he'll keep your secret. Whenever you come out to someone, you're always putting yourself at risk of having them tell someone else.

    People talk. It's normal. Especially in circumstances like this. It is even more likely, I believe, if he has trouble accepting the news. It is natural for someone to want to reach out to another person they trust for support, advice, and guidance. It could be a case of something like, "Hey man, I just learned my brother is gay and I'm freaking out. I don't know what to say or do." This is perfectly normal and natural, though from our stand point completely undesirable for obvious reasons.

    I just want to make sure you move forward with your eyes wide open, and understand that when you tell one person you're potentially telling other people as well.
     
    #4 Aldrick, Aug 18, 2012
  5. needshelp

    needshelp
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    here's one of my issues. i don't know other gay guys where i have their phone numbers and stuff BUT i don't have like a wide network of gay friends to go to when i do come out. it seems like most guys aren't interested in being friends if you're not dating them. weird.
     
    #5 needshelp, Aug 18, 2012
  6. Ianthe

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    Well, I always tell people not to come out to someone while the person is operating a moving vehicle. Being really shocked about something while driving is not good.

    What kind of homophobic things does he say, and how does he express his disapproval?
     
    #6 Ianthe, Aug 19, 2012
  7. needshelp

    needshelp
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    he'll talk about someone that he heard is gay or has done something that may hint at them being gay and say stuff like "ill, notorious big is a homo". he'll say the whole "that's just gay" and etc. as well as "no homo" as well when he feels it's appropriate. it's gets me very angry.
     
    #7 needshelp, Aug 19, 2012
  8. Aldrick

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    Are you living on your own? Do you depend upon anyone in your family for financial support? These are two big factors when coming out to family members.

    Do you have any emotional support outside of your family, people that you can talk too if things go poorly, etc.? (Aside from EC, of course.) You don't necessarily NEED these things, but they can be helpful.
     
    #8 Aldrick, Aug 19, 2012
  9. needshelp

    needshelp
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    i'm still living at home. :dry: and yeah, i do depend on my family for financial support at 25. i'm supposed to be living on my own but things haven't been going well for me. that and trying to find a decent job has really been making me a bit more stressed out and more angrier than i normally am (i tend to get upset and stressed out easily anyway).

    but as for emotional support, i have friends and the internet but for the most part, all i do is complain, voice whatevers bothering me and the most i get is the generic responses where people tell me everything will get better or whatever. that doesn't really do much because i tend to feel the same way. so i tried going to therapists only to get the same results. :dry: that's with life in general but as for issues being gay, i don't really have anybody to lean on. the gay friends that i talk to here and there pretty much give the same generic responses about how everything is a process and taking baby steps or what not. i actually get annoyed when they say that because they're acting like it's easy because they're out and the worst part for them is over. another thing is that they don't entirely understand that i have things that i really don't want to lose from this. however, i'm really starting to get annoyed @ how i'm not able to live my life as i see fit and having to hold myself back for other people. on one side, i have my family and friends who are mostly homophobic that like me for what they know about me and then on the other side, i have my gay peers who want me to be out and those choosing to associate with me being distant because i'm not out or because i'm not dating them. :bang:
     
    #9 needshelp, Aug 19, 2012
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