I don't know what to do

[Unknowing]

I would like to start this with 1 i have never had a girlfriend I did talk to this one girl for a month be we only saw each once and i have never kissed a girl 2 I have never even considered talking with a guy even know i might be gay for the fact that my family might find out. I am 18 and i honestly am not sure if i am gay straight, or bi. With my conscience mind i find my self attracted to girls and the idea of being gay does not feel right but that might be because i know that if I am my family and and close family friends will disown (this is not speculation my family friends have disowned many of their own family and threatens to beat them for being gay all the time). However with my sub conscience i find my self attracted to guys if i am not thinking about it i will find my self think about guys and them my conscience mind snaps in and says its wrong and that I am sick. About a year ago i thought about coming out and i think my mom had an idea of what was going on and she began to talk to me about how it would be hard but she would accept it, but then a couple weeks later she told that she would go borrow my brothers gun and shoot herself for raising me wrong and after that i started to question myself and began to think i was not gay. Not to mention my brother would truly try to beat the gay out of me, and all that stuff about how your family won't hurt you physically does not apply here my brother almost choked me to the point i almost passed out if my mom didn't get in from work when she did i don't know what would have happened. Sorry i got off track there anyway i can't keep these feeling of being gay gone and every now and then when i start to accept it my mom happens to bring up the idea that is a sin or morally wrong to be gay then i start thinking i might not be gay because some how what she says seems to be right. There is one person i would trust to tell i just don't want anything to change between us. All of my guy friend are ok with gay people they have other guy friends that are gay. A lot of time we will all spend the night at ones house or something and just goof or play games things like that and i don't want that to change but i feel that if i tell them that they would be nervous sleeping in the same place as me and i won't really get to hang out with them anymore. The truth is I have no idea what to do all advice is welcome. I don't know how i would break it to my family plus right now it feels as if i should never tell anyone.


Sorry for such the long post I have had all of this bottled up since i was 14 and this is my first time to ever voice it in anyway shape or form

[Rose]

Hi and welcome here!

I understand your situation. It is difficult to open up to the idea of being gay when you know your family would find that difficult. I think fear of rejection and not belonging are the strongest reasons why many people, like me, stay in the closet for so long.

What is really in your favour is that your friends seem much more open-minded. Having their support could really give you strength whilst you are figuring things out. You do not need to attach a label to yourself any time soon. Take your time to explore your feelings. Be aware of your feelings. In the end denying them or suppressing them will damage you.

If I were you I would save being open with your family until you are more comfortable and secure with your identity.

Keep posting here. You'll get lots of support!

Best wishes
Rose

[Lance]

Well first off given the context of your family life, I'm not sure it would be a very good idea to come out to them at this time. It would be best to wait until you are not living in that environment and be financially dependent on your own in case they were to kick you out or result to abuse. For now I would just try and rely on support from friends that you think will be accepting or even maybe try and meet some other gay people at a local LGBT center or club at school/college.

It sounds like you are gay, but in heavy denial due to what your family would think. Being gay is not a sin nor is it morally wrong like your mother claims. That is a huge misconception that is taught. God does not hate you, he loves everybody and created you to be just how you are. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing to be "fixed." Have you seen the movie Prayers For Bobby? It's a very powerful film and I think it might help you out a bit. You can see it here on YouTube.. Prayers For Bobby I highly recommend you watch it.

[rg93]

I agree with the Posts before me. There's nothing wrong with being bi or gay. Lean on your friends and keep your family out of this until you are financially independant of them. Most of them seem to be incapable of handling it in a humane, healthy or otherwise ethically correct fasion. And try to keep a low profile, maybe learn to fight back against your brother in tough situations (like, I dont know, when he tries to choke you to death again : o ).

And one more thing. I woulden't ever recommend this under any other circumstances, but yours seems to be quite dire. If you really want to keep a low profile and prevent further bullying and violence (physical and mental) from your family, you COULD (but shouldn't have to) pull a deceptive lie and say, that you were mistaken and after further contemplation found that you are actually straight. Maybe even have a close female friend act as a "temporary girlfriend" so they buy it until it all calms down. It would definitely keep your family from trying to exorcise, "heal" or kill you until you get out of there Good luck and stay strong.

[Unknowing]

My brother attacking me had nothing to do with me being gay no one knows anything about it, it was because i disagreed with him on something. I just feel so much better about all this now that i found this website and i am able to talk about it really helps

[rg93]

Oh, then I misunderstood the original post. Sorry bout that

Yes, stick around. It's a nice community and it's good for the soul to talk to people who have had/are having similar experiences!

[Rarar]

I'd have to say one thing - get out. If they're saying and doing things like that, anything could happen. Pack a bag and leave; go stay at a friend's house or close relative that won't judge you. Don't stay at home when your life is at danger. Try contacting a support group or something - is there a local LGBT alliance? I'm really scared for you. :S

Similarly to above posters, gay is OKAY! It is not a sin, despite what some foolish fools may say. You are 100% fine if you are gay - there's nothing wrong with you. And I also recommended watching Prayers for Bobby, it's a deeply emotional film that appears to apply to the situation that you are in.

Please, contact someone close who can provide help. Don't let them hurt you further.