Hi All, My name's Matt (Matteo in reality, everybody calls me Matt) and I'm 24 yo. and first off, this is a long wall of text, beware! I have stumbled across your forum by chance and started reading some of other users' issues and experiences and would like to thank you already on being this awesome and supportive. I just feel like this is the right place to post this, even if nobody's going to read this post, letting it off my chest would make me feel a lot better. In fact, it took me nearly a week just to decide whether to join or not, until today I said: Why not! I was born back in Italy. I have had a perfect childhood, something many people unfortunately do/did not have. I wasn't spoiled and my parents (mom's British and dad's Italian) kept me on a loose leash. I have a sister and we fought each other a lot, like many siblings do. If I ever did anything wrong, my parents would tell me off. If it was something terribly wrong, I would get smacked (but nothing too heavy). I do not resent them for it, I think it was the correct thing to do parenting-wise. I love reading books and playing video-games (MMOs or otherwise, I am the geeky kind). I like art and animations and had my fair share of experience at art school. I currently work as an office clerk in the UK. My family always had a common passion for horses but I was the only one who didn't, that meant being left alone at home for many hours. Sometimes the only time I would see them would be late in the evening before going to bed. I do not resent them because I know it was my choice. You see, I have always been of the shy kind (reason why it took me long to join!). I never even kissed anybody, much less having a girlfriend, and lied a lot about this kind of stuff. I always preferred to listen to conversations barely talking and I joined in only if something was asked of me. I have always been open minded and I always try to look at the other person's point of view. I did not ever believe in religion, of any kind, but respect people who do. Italy is a very Catholic country, as you might imagine, and I always stayed by my non-belief. Being left handed (Catholicism believe you a carrier of the devil as I remember my nan saying) I was derided/bullied at school (6 to 10yo) even by the teacher, to the point I asked to not attend the Religion class hour and avoiding school trips to churches. That further put me in the shell. At the meantime, I always acted or felt girlish at times. I cried in class (or faked it sometimes, to avoid certain arguments and certainly not proud lol), I remember playing with Barbies when I was 9 and trying some female jewelry on, haha! And I hate getting my hands dirty, literally! I am very emotional watching movies or playing games, empathy is useful of course, but a blade that cuts both ways. People may have had some thoughts about me being gay, I am sure. I was bullied all throughout school but managed to keep it in check and ignored it. I even had teachers commenting on how I ate or how I looked (have a condition where the body burns 99% of the calories, so I look very slim. You should eat more, they'd say). No point in telling anybody really, that would just kindle more arguments, something I always tried to avoid. I do like life, even at this stage where I am lost. I drink only on occasions, I do not do drugs, never tried smoking. I have always been mature for my age and kept thoughts and feelings to myself. But now my biggest fear is people. Either meeting new people, seeing new people, talking to the phone to new people. At work, I barely use my phone in fact. Only emails. I do not know what my sexual orientation is, very confused and lost at the moment. I sometimes think a girl is cute or a guy is cute, but never bothered about the sexual part of it, the less talk the better! When people ask me how many girlfriends I always avoid the subject or change argument. I may be gay, straight, or both. I do "get off" when the urge is at its peak, but rarely looking at real porn (eh, new people! haha), either furry or fantasizing. I fantasize about having intercourse with guys or girls alike, but I feel an stronger attraction towards the guys. I was thinking of buying a toy but too ashamed to do it. If shipped from America, "Silicon sculpture" tag would be on it lol. A few years ago, after avoiding the subject of girlfriend and sexuality, I remember my mom asking me if I was gay? Said no to that, probably a lie or probably not. I do not think either of my parents would have a problem with that, them being very open with me over the years. So, not out to anyone. Will not even try to use online dating, knowing the internet. Anyway, after 18 years living in Italy, I have moved to the UK, to escape the narrowminded-ness of that country and to experience things over here. My family is back in Italy and I haven't seen them in 2 years, but I do send emails every now and then. The people I now know at work are great and probably are the real life savers. My not-so-perfect English made a few gags here and there, about sex. We laughed it off but felt soooo ashamed when I googled the meaning and wouldn't talk for the rest of the afternoon. Something very inappropriate, I would tell you the exact words but I cannot remember them only something along: "I spanked in the garden last week" haha good thing my manager laughed at it too So, now that the background is out of the way, are there any people that were in the same boat as me, managed to break off this self-confidence "barrier"? Do you have any tips regarding the subject? I now think of the future but the path is just so blurry and grey I cannot see it. Thank you for your time reading this and hope there weren't too many grammar errors Matt
So there were no reponses to this yet, thought I'd have a look...AND WHOA, a lot of similarities between yourself and I. First of all, welcome Matt! Like you, I've only just joined, after serveral weeks of reading stuff on EC I thought I may as well join in seeing as it seems like such a great commmunity. I'm also into gaming (wow specifically) and currently work in an office for the Local Government. My parents are also of different nationality and I have spent my childhood living in both countries. I do however, know exactly what my orientation is. I've never really suffered from a lack of identity, I've always known exactly who I am. That, and I was never bullied in school which was lucky beacuase I, like you also had very little self esteem and was very shy. That all changed when I went to university and then moved into the working world. It felt like I had entered a world where I felt like I belonged. I think a big part of it was that, like you, I was able to move into a different environment were people were more mature about everything. I've worked for the Local Government for the last 2 years and have moved about a bit within the company and my current job environment sounds a lot like yours, a bunch of really friendly, warm, fun loving people. I also feared answering the phone and meeting new people, but my current job pretty much requires me to liaise over the phone with loads of different people, from service users to colleagues in different departments so I guess you could say I was thrown in the deep end. At first it was difficult but now it just comes naturally to me. In fact I was talking to one of my colleagues the other week about how this job has given me so much confidence and how I've gained so many skills etc. My future is also blurry, I'm still firmy in the closet and I have no intention of coming out any time soon. I'm not too worried though, I've always had a bad habbit of just letting things run thier course. :lol: So yes, I can say I'm in the same sort of boat as you.
I used to be an extremely self-conscious individual. Like you, I was very shy, a bit different, and always preferred to do the 'geeky' stuff rather than the things my other peers were doing. I actually never really 'struggled' with my sexuality because it was never really taboo to me, even though I grew up in a religious family. I used to be the last to speak up, I wouldn't initiate conversation, and could sit quietly in a group of people comfortably and never say a thing. I hae to say, when I was 16 was when I started to just try and be more outgoing. I have this really super secret way of doing things that I normally am out of my element in doing. Ready for it? I just do it before a think about it. It started in a meeting for this student ambassador program in high school. A lot of kids who didn't know each other in one big room. So, what did I do? I decided to break the silence by striking up conversation with the people around me. Six years later, those people are still good friends of mine. Something I had to tell myself is to just go for it. If I do something embarrassing, make a joke out of it. Laugh it off. Just putting yourself out there and starting the conversation does wonders. Though, I do have my shy moments, usually around people who exude a hell of a lot more confidence than I possess, and sometimes I shrink back into my reserved mode. It can be intimidating to be around confident people, but I still try to match up with them. It just takes more of that 'just dive in' mentality. People who I went to school with for years who thought I was that weird quiet kid ended up becoming some of my most awesome friends for the last two years of high school when I practiced being more outgoing. The worst thing you can do when dealing with self-consciousness is allow yourself time to think too long. Because then youstart thinking of 'what-ifs' and 'maybe I shouldn't' thoughts and then you end up making no progress. Have something witty to say, or something that you can contribute to the conversation? Just go for it and say it. I can promise you practicing being out-going gets you more comfortable and you realize people aren't all as intimidating as they seem.
Thank you both for your replies, I realize now I am not the only one in this age group/situation and it helps a lot. I thought it was already a bit too late for me to change, and personality is a real wall to climb. I will try and do the things you suggested, even though I know very deep, when the time comes, I won't be able to. The only thing is I do know who I am. Just not my sexual orientation, and to confirm that I only need to let it out. Meet people. Build relationships. I sometimes think that people in this situation have a really strong super-ego (from Freud's psyche, it's the consciousness that keeps our ego in check), so strong in fact that the act of "thinking-before-you-speak-or-do" is almost instantaneous. I promise I will try, in time maybe... time... Good thing there is the internet, otherwise I would be very lost. Thank you so much!! Matt
No problem! Like I said, it's all about practice. Even I still have trouble around some people, but the key is to just go for it! I have a small anecdote from today. I decided I wanted to ask my old coworker out for coffee, even though I was pretty sure she wasn't gay or bisexual or even interested, I figured I should just buckle down and do it. Well, when we got there, she was on sift and I turned to my friend and said "I can't do this." He stood behind me and followed me and said, "Do it, do it. Don't bitch out!" So I told him she was going to say no, but he reminded me that I wouldn't get any sort of closure unless I did it. So I walked over to her... then walked past her, giving her a 'Hey!' then mentally scolding myself for bitching out. Second opportunity, just gave her a smile, and once again, I couldn't do it. I told him, "Just isn't going to happen." So, before we leave, I get one final opportunity. So, I just took a deep breath and called her name before I could even think. And I knew once I did that, I couldn't wimp out. So I asked her, and she informed me she wasn't interested politely and with a smile. I said, "We're cool?" And she said, "Of course, thank you, Rach!" and went back to work. I think it flattered her in the very least judging by her expression. Was I rejected? Sure, but I felt a hell of a lot better knowing the answer rather than leaving it unknown.
Well, I joined super recently as well, and I must say I'm pretty glad I did! I'm admittedly younger than you, but reading your post gave me some things I could definitely relate to! I'm questioning too, am left-handed, I love video games and am a complete geek, and I too have always been naturally thin (pure genetics and nothing more). If you ever want to talk, let me know!
@ Matt: Your welcome! I'm going to a colleague's birthday party next week and then the office Christmas party later on in the year. Have/would you concider going to such events at your palce of work? @ Aria: I'd never be able to do that! I would'nt be able to handle the rejection. Your one brave lady! :icon_redf
Thank you! I wasn't really expecting a yes, so that my have had an impact. But at least now my mind is clear of her for the most part. Except when I tell the story, haha!
@ Aria: You were indeed very brave, not sure if I would be able to do that. I am the youngest of the group in my office and it would be very awkward to ask out people in my team, especially because most of them are married! But as friends and just a coffee it might do. @ Praetor: Thanks for sharing! Will let you know of any developments I get, feel free to do the same! @ ForceAndVerve: Yes we have had a few events like summer parties and such but I would only go if people in my team were going. And as I said, only a few drinks and friend only talk would occur, as explained before they are a bit too far out of my age group. But I understand the point. We'll be going to a team lunch and trash talk next Thursday, let you know how it goes Thanks ! Matt
Definitely! I don't recommend dating in the work place. But she was a former one, so figured I should go for it. I wish you lots of luck!
HAHA, yes, just friends. Until recently I was the ONLY guy in my office. The rest were middle aged, married women. Like I said before, they are all great, fun people to be around but common... :dry:
Hey Matt, Like you I'm really self-conscious, and hate using the phone, especially when I don't know the person at the other end. I also dislike having to deal with people, yet somehow I work at a railway station and survive interacting with hundreds of people every day, sometimes angry people on bad days. I also pretty much have to use the phone all the time at work, since I work alone and have to use the phone to keep in contact with colleagues, management etc. Trust me when I say, it gets easier the more you do it. Try this - next time you need to contact someone at work, instead of writing an email, try picking up the phone. I know it can be hard - there have been times when I've needed to phone a stranger to report a fault or something, and I've put it off as long as I could get away with - i'd literally go to the toilet, or have something to eat, or even vacuum the office before taking a deep breath and picking up the phone. But I always feel better after I've done it. Trust me, try it
Hi Matt, welcome to EC I can relate to you alot being the quiet one and not having much confidence. I also prefer listening to other people rather than joining in because I always feel like whatever I say isn't good enough. Are you like this too? I'm not as bad when I was in secondary school (high school) since having been to university its made me more confident. I still need to improve on things though. I love reading books! Especially fantasy genre. Magic, castles and swords is just sooooo good xD I like games, a good rpg goes a long way. I really like old games for some reason. I've been playing Phantasy Star 2 on the ds for the past week. I loved art in secondary school. The teacher always praised me how delicate my drawings were. Unfortunately I wasn't brave enough to pursue my interest in art because I thought that it wouldn't lead me to a good job so for University I ended up taking Business Studies (which was so boring). I hate talking over the phone too! A simple call to book a hair appointment is horrible. There are times when I need a few moments to prepare myself before making the call lol. I really want to know what condition you have that burns up 99% of the calories because I have struggled to gain weight all my life. Sometimes if I don't eat enough in a day, I can lose a few pounds even from that! Its stupid.
Thank you for your replies, they really help a lot @GivenToFly: I will try that actually! Maybe go to the bathroom for 5 minutes before returning a phonecall really sounds good, silly me I never thought of it myself. I don't know if you were serious about vacuuming the office floor but if you do it, big props! Made me chuckle @Lad123: Thank you for your welcome I do indeed exclude myself from conversation exactly like that, sometimes because what I'm going to say is not going to make impact anyway, or because I really do not know what to say about the argument. Certainly not because of language. My English is not good at times, I just acted the same way in Italian. In fact, the only books I read are fantasies or sci-fi. I am currently reading the Game of Thrones series, but past ones include authors like Tad Williams and his Dragonbone Chair, Garth Nix with Abhorsen series, Jonathan Stroud and his comical Amulet of Samarkand, Naomi Novik and her Temeraire books... so if you want any tips about new books to read feel free to drop me a line! I'm sorry you had to drop Art school, especially if you enjoyed it. It does lead to great jobs like Architects, Films & Animations, Game designing, even jewelry making. All need good dedications and Uni is a must. My medical condition is not rare and it can happen temporarily to anybody. It is called Hyper-metabolism. I am not a doctor so BS may come out XD but I believe it manifests because of traumas. The difference with mine is that it is genetic and it goes into my family line and it stays there until the end of time. If I am not wrong, metabolism is a part of your constitution and people may have difference "burning" percentages. If you do not burn enough, you accumulate weight, if you burn too much you gain very little. Hyper-metabolism is just the accentuated increase. I did hear this from my parents when I was little and it may lead to instabilities like insomnia, loss of appetite, muscle weakness. Even abnormal heart rate. Have you checked with your doctor about it?
Dead serious (it's only a small office LOL) - I'd literally do everything I could thing of to put off picking up the phone. But, like so many things, it really does get easier with practise. :icon_bigg
Funnily enough I have read The Dragonbone Chair by Tad Williams and I enjoyed it very much xD apart from the slow start at the beginning. I need to read the second book but I have so many other books to read first before I go out and buy it. I read Garth Nix's Abhorsen series a while ago and I think its amazing, even though its apparently targeted for teenagers but oh well. I thought the pacing was very fast like it was action after action, crazy, Nix could have padded it out more. Oh I didn't go to art school so its ok. It was just ordinary classes but I always looked forward to going to them. I've not had any traumas, well not that I know of, but I have had trouble getting to sleep for many years, and a fast heart rate which I can usually feel thumping away. Also do you get hot easily? I've always been sensitive to heat like sometimes when I'm in bed I can't stand being under the covers for too long because I get too hot. I haven't been to the doctor about it lol probably because I felt like it wasn't a serious matter.
@ Lad123: Getting hot easily does not happen to me, but sweating does, more in the hands than elsewhere. I wouldn't call it a very serious issue but it might be worth mentioning. Usually to find out for certain you would have to do blood tests, so beware Also the term I used might be wrong, judging from these comments: Source: What Is Hypermetabolism?
