So I've been on EC for over a year now, just reading and trying to find the advice that I need through what other people have written I just don't know where to go from here. I guess I'll start with my story first. I'm 22, I graduated form college this past May and started grad school in June. All through college I spent a lot of time figuring out who I was and I spent A LOT of time accepting who I am. Its not that I had anything wrong with being gay it was always just a lot for me to handle sometimes, because as soon as I would think about it, my mind would start to race about how I was going to tell people, who would be okay with it, who wouldn't be okay with it, etc. It was just a lot to handle which is why it took so long for anything to happen. I was asked a couple times through my time in college if I was gay, and I just said no, or made an excuse not to answer, and brushed it off. Fast forward to my senior year in college. I was hanging out with a 3 of my really close friends and we were all drinking. We were just enjoying the evening and playing some games, many of which had truth or dare or never have I ever type questions. Well as the night went on the questions became a little more personal in nature. Well I would spill on who I had feelings for etc. as the games began, but as it got later and I drank more, I knew there was no stopping where this was going. I admitted that I had feelings for one of my guy friends and they all just looked at me for a second and then I started crying. Not embarrassed crying (well kinda because I was drunk) but mostly just tears of relief that my secret was out. I cried for probably 45 minutes and the entire time the 3 people I was with were reassuring me that nothing between us changed (and it hasn't thankfully). A few months later I was visiting some friends at another University and with one of the people that knew I was gay. We were all sitting around catching up, enjoying each other's company and then one of my close friends (who didn't know) made a passing statement about me being gay and it hit me like a freight train, but my friend who did know and I caught each others eye across the room and were like wait, what? When I got back to my school the next day I messaged my friend at the other school and asked them how they knew and everything and they were surprised that I wasn't out here at school etc. They are awesome and I'm glad that went smoothly. About a month ago I was at a friend's birthday and she pulled me aside and was like "I have a personal question to ask you" so I said okay and we went into another room away from everyone else. She asked if I knew that she had a crush on me a few years back, which I knew because I turned down a date, and then she asked if I like girls or boys. So I told her I was gay and she said okay, promised not to tell anyone and then we went back to the party. I can count who I've come out to on 1 hand, and I feel like I'm missing out on a big part of life. I've been to a close friends wedding recently and I've been stuck in a lot of awkward relationship discussions so its really just hard on me right now, especially with school starting up again in like a week. I know coming out to my mom won't be an issue because she is very pro-LGBT stuff, her parents won't be an issue either because they're really chill with people being gay. Its the other side of my family that I'm worried about. I was watching the news when Gay Marriage became legal in NY and my dad was like why do care and why are you watching this. (Mind you I lived with someone who was gay and someone who was bi at the time, so that was the perfect excuse that I cared about my friends). I think he's just uncomfortable with people being gay, and I'm not sure why. So I guess what kind of advice I'm looking for is ways to be more open and ways to build my confidence. I know my mom won't have an issue with me being gay, I just don't know how to tell her. If someone has any advice for talking to my dad about it, because I would like to be open to everyone and not have to act different around parts of my family. I'm one of those people that doesn't like hiding who I am, but I've done it for so long I don't know how to live openly. I know I have the support of my friends who already know and that is great, but I'm tired of living basically a secret life that only a handful of people know about, hell my roommate doesn't even know. If anyone has any good advice for coming out to more people or even just ways to build up the confidence to come out I'd love to hear it. Thanks!
First, I think it wonderful that your friends have taken it so well, and you family seems as though they will follow suite. I would say that the best way to feel more open and at home, is to be around other people who are open and at home. Meeting more LGBTQ people will help you feel more yourself, not to mention help you meet other people who could be new friends, or more. If your grad school is at a university with a LGBTQ club than show up a few times. Try to meet people. Try going to any nearby clubs or social event. Preferably not the sleazy kind. Meeting like minded people really tends to help people feel more confortable and open.
Thanks! A lot of my friends are either gay or bi, so that makes things a lot easier. I'm actually at grad school where I did my undergrad so I'm still around all of my friends which helps and makes me nervous all at the same time. If I come out now to everyone I'm afraid that my close friends aren't going to look at me the same, and I see them all the time due to shared activities.
I would suggest you come out to your mum, since you think she'll be okay with it. May be tell her you have something to talk about so that she'll prepare herself for a personal talk. Then it's up to you to decide when, where, how, etc... whatever feels most comfortable to you. And if it all goes well you can ask her to tell your dad. That's what my mum did and it really helped. If your dad hears it from your mum and sees that she's supportive, that will most probably encourage your dad to think the same and be supportive. The fact that he seems uncomfortable about gay people doesn't mean he will treat you like that because you're his son. From then on I think you will gain a lot of confidence if your parents are supportive and you'll be able to come out to other people. At least, that's how it was for me. Best of luck!
