This past week has been hell on my emotional and mental state for various reasons. I'm guessing large amounts of stress will do this to anyone, and seeing that we are all uncertain of our futures, this makes perfect sense. Nonetheless, it does not relieve the hell my brain's chemistry is dragging me through. I don't want to just vent, I'd like to hear similar stories with/without resolutions. I believe the latest windstorm started after requesting my therapist to talk about relationships. It's been three weeks now, and though she may perceive me as in the closet, I have not outright said that yet. She's peeling back the layers each week, exposing many nerves (no pain, no gain). This therapy is forcing me to bring pieces of my life into reality on a total subconscious level; i.e. my brain's making connections and new pathways without my consent or knowledge (yay therapy). This past week I visited my grandmother for 3 days, and while I was there my 2 brothers came into town. Long story short, they did not include me in their plans and were very vague about them as well. They didn't tell me when they got into town and were not planning on seeing me. I know I'm not all-important, not the center of the universe, but I could not help be feel rejected by my closest blood. I drove back to my college today with tears in my eyes and a racing mind (racing minds also tend to drive 90-100mph without passing it by the judgement center). I got home safely, took my dog on a long walk, then planned a night ride on my bike. My mind is so loud right now that it caused me to run into the back of someone while I was headed downtown, rendering my headlights useless. My bike ride then turned into a ride around my neighborhood (I like to ride ~30-50 miles, settled for 5 miles). A giant storm came rolling in, and I was HOPING that I'd get caught in it and hit by a car. I was wanting something to kill me, and I hardly ever have thoughts like this. I stopped trusting my brain and headed home. When I got back, I collapsed on the floor and started crying, laying there for over 30 minutes. I don't know wtf is happening with me right now. I feel like a complete lunatic today .
That's ok (*hug*). I often found out that when I'm in therapy working on something that really bothers me, I feel very unsettled, because it's like losing a balance (even it's one I'm unhappy with) without being sure I'll be able to reach another one. And that is making me an emotional mess, I cry and feel upset about anything. If you're starting to work on relationships with your therapist while still being closeted, that's not surprising that it's making you feel insecure. And feeling ignored by your brother didn't help much with that insecurity feelings. I suppose you're still mostly closeted, so the fear of rejection is probably something that is bothering you a lot and feeling rejected and ignored by your brothers probably pushed your button. I know all this is completely uncomfortable, but you're going to be ok You seem to be on the right path with your therapist, and that's great. I'm sure that in the end, it will lead you to a much better place. What I would suggest is to tell her about what happened during this weekend at your grandmother's place (how you felt rejected and that it made you so upset that you thought about dying). And I would also suggest for you not to stay alone in the next days : call you friends, hang out with them, go to the movies... whatever works to cheer you up. You're going to be fine (*hug*). Take care, Cécile
Hi, and welcome to EC! One of the things about really good therapy is... it REALLY sucks at times. As you peel off the layers, you feel raw, exposed, naked... and it hurts. But that also means that you're coming alive, because you're ridding yourself of the numbing behavior that's not only kept you from feeling the pain, but keeps you from feeling joy too. So the first thing I did when I was in those dark and difficult places while I was in therapy was breathe, and remind myself that, pretty much whatever it was that came along, if I could just get through how I felt today... tomorrow... next week... that I would feel better about things. It can be very difficult to do that in the moment, but it does work. As for relationships and you... my guess is that she probably does know something's going on and you're in the closet. Good therapists, although they're trained to not assume anything (and for good reason) usually do pick up on all sorts of subtlety, but they also know to go slowly. So if you feel comfortable doing so, you might just take the bull by the horns and directly confront it at your next session. It might be the most terrifying thing ever but it will also, for you, get it out there so you can work on the deepest underlying discomfort. Ultimately, what keeps us from being able to own, talk about, accept identifying ourselves as other than straight is a fear of being rejected. And that is basically what shame is... a deep fear that we don't belong, because we're not good enough, different in a bad way, not worthy of being loved, or a thousand other things. But the antidote to shame is talking about it. With your therapist, with the community at EC, with anyone else where it feels safe. The more you open up to yourself and others, the less power the shame has over you. There's no rush on any of this. Take your time, and try and remember that you are enough. You're lovable, capable, and you will find happiness. The path through the emotional muck isn't fun, but it is totally worth it.
Thanks for the advice, Eleanor and Chip. I have worked through other issues in therapy, and I know it definitely gets better. The path of coming out, or whatever, seems sometimes very plausible, and at other times, very confusing. Anytime I'm around my friends/family, it's one of the major thoughts running through my mind. So much so, I get a little paranoid and self-conscious that others are thinking the same things about me. Does anyone ever feel like they're being a burden on others, purely from being the elephant in the room? I feel that way a lot. I attribute other's differences in behaviors and emotions to them not being unable to understand what I'm going through. Sometimes, I talk myself out of the thought that I am closeted, and that I may just have paranoia and fear around girls. Which could be the case due to some childhood experiences, but I don't know how much of an influence those incidences have had on my sexual development. I tell myself that if I can work through those, I can begin developing more of my heterosexual side. I think this hope does more harm than good. I can honestly say, I don't want to be bisexual/gay. I want it to go away, but my version of it going away is escaping my own reality; losing touch with myself; returning to the drone of unfeeling. Probably rambling at this point..
