Please don't read if you're in a good mood... I'm just being stupid.

I want to die. But that's not satisfying enough. I want to have my face grinding against a cement wall. I want to get hit by a car and have my ribcage bust out of my torso as I bleed out. I want to be stabbed several times, in the abdomen, in the throat. I want to burn and at last have justification to scream out everything I've always wanted to scream out before. I have dreams of these events, and they are frighteningly satisfying. I want to sleep longer to continue the suffering and extend the high.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want people to read this. I'm drunk. I'm just writing mindlessly. I want to write my thoughts out. I've never done that before, never my true thoughts. I've never written in a diary, not even to myself. Everything that is the most honest it can be has never made it to a physical form... in writing, verbal words, pictures... anything (though maybe music). I want to write about my hatred. Work has made me superficial. I'm so good at being superficial. I'm excellent. I make people happy - customers, coworkers, etc. I'm too good at it. It makes me sick. I'm an excellent liar.

This is stupid. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just going to hover my mouse over the submit button for fifteen minutes anyway as the fear and angst compresses my left lung ever so tightly before I realize (in a drunken stupor) that I'm inevitably going to push it and endure the consequences therein.

I'll just keep typing... nonstop. It's like a test to me now... "How honest can I be?" or "How honest am I willing to be?" I'm writing this as if no one will see this. Only myself. My anonymous self. Even though I'm not writing in the "anonymous" boards... I'm still anonymous. I know that.

Where to begin... I'm a fag. That's not a very nice word... I would never want to use this word to offend anyone... but the world is not a very nice place, and so this word is used. I used to be 'out'... sorta... not really. Now I'm not. I've gone beyond "retreating to the closet." Far beyond that. Now I've even started to lie to people who had previously "known"/suspected. Why do I do that? I feel a need to make them feel like shit for even suspecting such a thing. I discredit homosexuality as an abomination. "It would be gross to ever be such a thing." I hate doing it. It's not very nice... but... everyone else does it. So why not. It's an agreement among the common people. Majority rules.... right?

I hate myself. I'm trying to be honest. I know at least one person is going to read this, maybe. Even though I previously state to write with the intent that no one but myself will see this. I just want to be honest. It's something I'm not very often... Regardless, people on here have shitty lives. I truly do feel bad. I wish I could help. I wish their lives didn't suck. I wish they weren't alone. I wish they had people to talk to that understand. ...and here I am, talking about myself. I'm truly shitty to think my life sucks anymore than the others' who do have real problems. .. Some people live in communities where homosexuality is a constant topic of hatred and unacceptance. Now I'm making up words... My goal is to just be honest... I need to do this... I've never actually done it before. I hate so much. There are people who truly do need help. People who will be great successes in the future. I'm just a simple musician. Aside from being a faggot, I've got nothing. I'm at a level where I can make some semi-decent money playing gigs n' shit... that's nothing. Recently I can't even practice effectively. I just stop... I'm like manic depressive or something. ... and can't focus on a practice session for more than 30 minutes. There are soooo many musicians. They're very good. I inspire to be that. I inspire to be dead too. That would be nice. I wish people would be nice, and not discriminate against gay people. There's nothing wrong with them. I hate my coworkers... and roommates... and classmates. I hate my boss. Every tiny, little, subtle, minuscule comment portraying a negative connotation to homosexuality... it sticks. I hear it. I don't forget. It's like I'm obsessed or something. It's as if I'm TRYING to hear it just to think "hey, that person made a negative reference to homosexuality." I don't think I'm doing it on purpose... I'm not trying to scope people out... but it happens. I hear people say one negative thing... and it sticks. I can't get the thought out of my head.

I felt the need to push enter a couple of times. I think I might be bipolar. My friend's bipolar. Sometimes I want to take his medication to see if it will help me. I think it will. I don't want him to think I'm bipolar though. It seems weird. Like... what are the chances some kid who's bipolar ends up befriending someone and then they claim to be bipolar... I don't want to make it look like I'm copying.... that's a weird excuse... but it's what I honestly feel sometimes. I think it really IS possible (probable) that I am bipolar, but I don't want to tell my friend. I think he'd think I'm weird or a hypochondriac just because he is... (bipolar; not a hypochondriac). I feel depressed a lot (like right now... but whatever, everybody does. I don't want to make it look like I'm seeking attention. It's just an observation really.), and I also feel like waaaayyy too happy at other times... (not right now unfortunately...). I thought it was only when I was with friends.... I get super happy and sort of obnoxious... but I realize even when I'm by myself... I'm really weird, overconfident, and kinda crazy.... but I have fun doing it. Maybe I AM a hypochondriac. Maybe I'm overanalyzing myself. I hate myself.... I'm not that interesting. I don't know why I'd spend so much time thinking about myself. That's stupid.

I feel anxious. I get these strange "anxiety attack" feelings. I don't know why. It's like my breathing gets way heavier for some reason, and I just want to start crying... like no other... Of course, I can never cry though. "Crying is for faggots." My tear ducts are dry. They just don't work for some reason. Strong winds, dust and other forms of physical pain located in the eye can usually activate my tear ducts... but various neurotransmitters associated with sadness just don't seem to activate them anymore. It's very rare. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

I'm afraid of psychiatrists. They are NOT an option. I'm afraid of jail. Psychiatrists are a potential jail. I don't want to be honest to another human being who will then lock me up and monitor me for the rest of the foreseeable future. Although, my skills in superficiality, duplicity, and manipulation probably wouldn't take me too long to get out of it. I don't want to do it. Psychiatrists are smart. They have a Masters or Doctorates. I'm just a conceited student. I might be able to outsmart them... but I don't know if I can. I don't have the confidence. I've only seen a psychiatrist ONCE in my life. Nobody knows this... not a single human being in the world (except for the psychiatrist.. who is a human)... and if I choose to push submit... I am telling x amount of people where x is completely unidentifiable. I outsmarted her... She had a masters. Maybe I got lucky. But it's not a situation I want to endure again. I can't weasel my way out of too many psychiatrists; that in itself becomes suspicious.

How many times have I attempted (rather failed) suicide. It's a sentence with a period. I keep telling myself 'it'll happen soon," but "soon" has yet to come... I keep getting false hopes sometimes... I get close. But "close" I feel is sometimes more detrimental than suicide itself. Now I have scars. Really bad scars... I shouldn't say this... but I guess this is my "test of honesty" and drunk people do stupid things they later regret anyway... I carved the word "FAG" (yeah in all capitals) in my chest a while ago. ... That was dumb..... I think... It's not going to go away... it's stuck there now... But sometimes I regret it (which makes sense to the conformists of sociological interactivity)... yet other times, I'm happy I did it. It's like a reminder. I don't know what I should feel. Sometimes, I feel like I was an idiot; sometimes I feel like it was good for me; sometimes I feel like I deserved it (like now I guess actually... maybe I'm just trying to be too depressed... I dunno... but I really do think so right now). I wish I could find someone like me... someone who uses words like "suicide" and "death" so lightly... It feels like a light word. I know damn well it's not. ...actually.... if someone were to use those words while I was sober... I would not take it lightly... maybe I'm being ignorant.

I should apologize. I've think I've come to accept that someone.... somewhere.... will read these offensive words. I want to go back and proofread, but that in a sense will ruin this experiment. I said I wanted to be honest... and at the time I wrote all of these words, I was as honest as I can be at the time I was writing it... proofreading it will only detract from the authenticity. Sometimes, I want help. That's duplicitous... Sometimes... I want help to live a happy life... sometimes I want help to end my own. I don't which is more frequent.... probably the ending my own one. Actually I don't know... I realize I'm more depressed than not depressed right now which creates a bias towards the pessimistic aspects of reality. Sometimes, when I'm depressed, I wish I weren't depressed... but sometimes it actually feels good. I don't know the biology behind it... endorphins or something? But sometimes the feeling of depression feels "good" in a way... like... a weird way...

This is a lot of writing. If there's anything worse than a lot of writing... it's unorganized writing.... if any reader actually got this far... I'm so sorry....

I see so many posts of people on YT or whatever who have committed suicide... I feel bad for them. Even though I don't know them. It seems illogical... to feel sorrow for a dead person whom I've never met or knew anything about. But it happens for some reason. I feel "touched" by the people who post videos of themselves, describing the torment in their lives, and are later found in the news as another suicide case... It's sad... I guess I actually do have feelings for other people. People I don't even know no less... The world is such a cruel, cruel place... but I guess it will keep spinning.

 

Hey guys, sorry for the long dark wall of text. Like I said, I was drunk. Haha. I really, really do appreciate the responses though. I didn't mean to cause any concern over this situation, and I really value what you've offered.

I feel like I should at least try to describe who I am a little better in a less pessimistic light. I promise I'm not like super emo or anything. I'm just a regular kid actually. I like hanging out with people, video games, music. I dress pretty casually, I act kinda like a "bro" a lot. lol I like rock climbing and running. I don't really think anybody actually suspects my sexuality too much anymore. Especially knew people I've met who haven't known me for very long. If anyone asks me about girls, I respond and start talking about girls. I'm pretty believable. I know it sounds kinda bad, but I think it's fine. Overall,I don't really think I have many "gay" characteristics about me (okay, I know this is totally subjective but here me out: we all, here, understand that the only "gay" characteristic is simply an attraction towards the same sex, but I think we're all smart enough to know that the rest of society is pretty ignorant on this issue. When they apply such primitive stereotypes such as a "gay voice," "gay gestures," "gay attire," "gay interests." We all know what they mean by this, yet we all know it's very ignorant. I think my only observation is that, by happenstance, I for some reason happen not to carry any of those stereotypes. Not that they're bad, they just don't seem to fit me for whatever reason... which is why primitive society probably wouldn't suspect me of being gay).

I appreciate your advice, Sanguine, and think it's great you are so imaginative about the future. I'm glad there is something you find that makes you truly happy that you will strive for one day. I have to admit, I don't think I am quite that imaginative myself. Haha I don't really fantasize about people/relationships anymore. I think I am okay with the concept of living without a "partner in crime." Sure it would be nice, and it's a great thing to look forward to someday, I just find that for myself, it's something I think of less and less. And hey! being single is perfectly fine too (and safe!)

Rarar, you know the world IS getting too overpopulated... lol jk XD
I appreciate your concern and am really sorry to have worried you. Honestly, you have given very excellent advice, but please understand that I'm kind of a strange case. You really don't have to worry about me; I'll be fine. I just sometimes feel a little down (like everyone), and alcohol only romanticizes the feeling. (Don't drink!) haha. And like I had stated in my previous post, this was sort of an "experiment" for me - to see how honest I can be with myself. Because it was something I had never done before, it was definitely a good thing to do, and I'm glad that EC is such an open and accepting place that it was able to serve as the platform for such content. But please understand that one's "true thoughts" will differ greatly from their actions. Everybody has sad thoughts at times, but we don't act on them. I think we're strong enough to know how illogical it would be.

Thank you again, everyone. Stay strong!

Cheers!

J-Dawg