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How to not hurt ex?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Given To Fly, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. Given To Fly

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    Ok, so this is probably weird...

    I livein the same house as my ex-girlfriend and her parents (separate rooms and all that - we've not slept together or anything since we broke up about 9years ago). I told you this is weird. When I fell out with my parents 12years ago, and had to move out, I had nowhere to go. Her parents were good enough to take me in, even though they barely knew me. Even thoughthey knew I was a mental wreck at the time. I was a complete shit at times, arguing with everyone all the time about everything.

    For about 3 years things were mostly fine. I managed to repress any thoughts about homosexuality, and thought maybe I could succeed at being straight. I thoughtI loved her. I'm pretty sure I did to some degree. I know she loved me. And still does.

    About 2003 we both knew it wasn't working out, although she would never admit it. As far as I was concerned, it just didn't feel 'right'. Her parents were great about it. So long as we could be civil to one another, (which was hard atfirst, but got much better), I could stay there - they treat me almost like an adopted son. Really, they arelike better parents to me than mine ever were, I'd do anything for them.

    So thats a quick runthrough of the background.

    Fasfforward to 2012. My ex seems to have this weird idea that we might be able to get back together. Obviously I haven't told her of my preference for other men. Ifshe so much as thinks I'm talking to other women she acts all jealous. She has a beautiful almost 4 year old daughter from a short fling with a guy she met online, who is a complete twat. I sometimes wonder if she had the child as some part of weird fantasy that we'd get back together and be a family ( I must confess I thought about it when the kid was born, but I didn't mention it).

    So how can I let her down gently? IfI don't say anything, she'll carry on beleiving there is a chance. If I tell her the truth, that I'm gay, it'll crush her - she'll be wondering if I ever loved her. And I know it'll hurt her if I lie and tell herI've met someone. I guess in some way I do still love her, as a sister perhaps. But I know we can't be together the way she wants - it wouldn't be true to myself, and it wouldn't be fair to either her or the little one.

    Whatcan I do? I can't afford to move out right now, although. i know that would be for the best, so I'm aiming for early next year. Also her parents are struggling financially at themoment, and I know my rent payment helps them out big time.

    The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone - I'vesuffered enough hurt myself in the past to be okay with inflicting any pain on another.
     
  2. NomadicDave

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    Ask yourself who are you hurting more? Will the dynamic between you and her parents change when they realize their daughter and you have no future? What does your authentic self command you to do. Is the desire to tell her your gay more of a way to get her to face reality or just to relieve you of the burden and guilt of creating false hope on her part? I empathize with you and wish you well.

    Dave
     
  3. Given To Fly

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    Hi Dave.

    I can't see my relationship with her parents changing. I've not been 'with' their daughter for a long time, and I don't think they honestly expect us to have a future together. At the moment they know I can't really afford to move out, although now my debt is under control, I'm starting to have more disposable income, and like I said earlier my rent really helps them out.

    The last thing I want to do here is hurt anyone - and I can't help but think that coming out to her would hurt my ex deeply. She's already found out that another ex boyfriend is gay, and she didn't take that too well. So you can see how it's awkward.

    But I do need to figure out a way to get her to back off, or she is in for a hell of a disappointment.

    I know the best option is to move out, so I'm not in her face, but that really isn't an option until early next year at least.

    Why does life have to be so complicated... :bang:
     
  4. Aldrick

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    My advice is to be honest. Will it hurt her? Maybe, but you aren't responsible for her feelings. She is responsible for her feelings. If you allow her to believe a lie, or hold out in hope of something that is never going to happen it's going to hurt her more.

    The question isn't whether or not you should tell her, it's how you should tell her. You seem to be very close with her parents, you say they treat you like an adopted son. They also need you financially.

    Before talking to her, I'd consider talking to them. I'd come out to them, and then talk about how to let her down easily. That way if there is an issue, if she's honestly and truly hurt over something that (let's be honest even if you were straight at this point it's obvious it isn't going to happen), then her parents can be there to give her love and support.

    You can express your feelings to her parents, about how you don't want to hurt her - all of that. I think it'll make the situation easier, because the fact of the matter is once you tell her the truth they're going to find out. She's most likely going to tell one or both of them; either in anger or in sadness, because she's going to be looking for emotional support.

    Either way, you can't hold yourself responsible for how she feels. You have to live your life, and of course this doesn't mean you don't have feelings for her. You just don't have romantic or sexual feelings for her, so it doesn't really change the current status of your relationship.
     
  5. Given To Fly

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    I know it's the right thing to do. But I don't know if I can do it. Her dad will probably be okay with it, but her mum is a bit of an unknown. i've never really heard her opinions on gay relationships, but I know she doesn't approve of mixed race relationships (her brother married a black woman and she was very vocal about it) so it's not a huge leap to think she wouldn't approve of me coming out. Don't get me wrong, I don't need her approval, but I do need a roof over my head. My money helps them out, but they'd find a way to manage without it.

    Twice now I've typed out a status update on Facebook announcing the big news to the world (or at least my fb friends, including my ex), and twice I've opted not to press send.

    I don't know what's worse - fear of coming out, and the shit hitting the fan, or the ordeal of having to listen to various subtle hints suggestng we might have a future, whilst knowing that it isn't going to happen - like you pointed out Aldrick, even if I was straight, there's waaaay too much water under that bridge. I think the worst part is Knowing that whatever I do, I'm going to hurt someone, and since I'm way too sensitive for my own good, that'll hurt me. :bang:

    I know, I know, I need to grow a pair :icon_sad:
    And I've just hurt my hand hitting the wall. Figures...
     
  6. Aldrick

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    Trust me, I understand completely. The whole "you can't be responsible for other peoples feelings" is a had life lesson I hard to learn, and I learned it recently.

    It's very easy for me to make excuses for myself, because I'd feel bad that someone else feels bad because of something I did. However, I was forced to realize that more often than not, I was just using it as an excuse. I'm afraid to make this choice, or that decision, and so it's easy to latch onto something like that to avoid it.

    I don't like the phrase, "need to grow a pair." It makes it sound like someone's not a man because they're afraid, uncertain, ashamed, or nervous. It takes more courage to admit that you have those feelings, and find a way to deal with them, than to try and force them down and white-knuckle your way forward. Another hard life lesson I learned. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    In the end, of course, she's going to learn the truth. We both know that.

    You know, I can see myself in your shoes doing the exact same thing you're doing. I'm trying to picture what my therapist would tell me. One big theme of my therapy has been to constantly point out that I always have options and choices. For some reason in my mind, when I'm suffering from anxiety over a decision, the world becomes a very black and white place. I'm either all in or I get up from the table. There is no middle ground. It's either success or failure.

    Because of this, I immediately jump to focus on the negative. I'm constantly worrying over what is going to go wrong. My therapist would then encourage me to look at my options. Confront the fears and consider how we'd deal with them.

    The big one, I'd assume, is the shit hitting the fan and either having them force you to leave or alternatively making the situation so uncomfortable that you don't want to remain. The first thing I'd do would be consider how much rent I'm currently paying now, and how much more I could afford to pay in the future.

    I'd then be encourage to look for a living situation involving several roommates, to possibly move if necessary. I could then come out knowing that I could leave if I had too; I knew I wasn't trapped.

    Another option is to simply wait until the beginning of the year. That means to grin and bare it in silence until then.

    Another option is to not tell her that I'm gay, but instead make clear to her that there isn't going to be a future. Perhaps talk to her parents about my concerns over how she feels, and my desire to let her know there isn't going to be a future. This could also solve the problem, but it means I'd remain in the closet.

    These are all additional options.

    After I did that, my therapist would encourage me to focus on what could go right. For example, you might gain additional support, and even if not at least you'd be out at home. You wouldn't have to hide anything, etc. This is the part I'm still working on.
     
  7. Given To Fly

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    Thanks, Aldrick.

    I don't think they'd outright throw me out, but as you say they could just make life uncomfortable. You've given me a lot to think about here.

    In a way I feel a bit of a fraud - there are so many stories on here of people with really insurmountable problems - if this is the thing keeping me awake at night then I'm luckier than I realise I guess.

    Thanks again.