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I can't figure this out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Prometheus, Aug 20, 2012.

  1. Prometheus

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    I just don't know how to put into words the constant confusion and suffering, it may sound dramatic but those are the only words I can come up with that accurately describe the situation. Maybe torment, I feel tormented almost constantly, and I'm not sure about what anymore , at first I thought it had to do with my sexuality but now I'm not sure, I feel like it's not the answer I'm looking for but I attribute a lot of my suffering to it. If I am gay or bisexual I have to come to terms within myself that I'm attracted to men, which I haven't. I'm not in denial I don't think, I just am very uncomfortable with my sexual feelings, at least those towards men. Which I'm uncertain of their actual existence, the feelings seem to all be accompanied by fear not pleasure. A fear that I like that, how can I conquer this fear? I must face it, and accept the possibility of homosexuality, I have done this but I am no more comfortable with the feelings so now what? When I'm around men I feel drawn to kiss or grope them, and fear that I will lose control and do so. It's an awful feeling. When I sleep with women I have trouble orgasming and unless it gets dirty or kinky I have to stimulate myself to orgasm, I'm constantly in my head while having sex too, is something missing? When I dream I dream about this. Not about sleeping with men or anything but about the fear of being gay, I sleep as late as I can in hopes that I'll have an answer when I wake up, but it's never crystal clear usually I think when I wake up "I'm probably gay" then throughout the day that feeling dissipates. But when I think I'm gay, I can't come to terms with it, I just get depressed that I don't get to be with women anymore and that everyone will view me differently and that I'll view myself differently. I don't exactly know why I'm depressed but those seem like they're the most likely reasons. I just want so badly to enjoy women the way I used to, have that fire, that sexual energy that I used to all the time with them, not just sometimes. It feels like they have been taken away from me, I don't get it, I could care less if I'm actually perceived as gay, I'm more upset that I don't get to enjoy women anymore I'm afraid to have sex sometimes cause what if I can't get off. I'm just really sick of this I want to accept myself, I want to stop living in this limbo. Sorry for the length but I just can't seem to find my way here.
     
  2. Gen

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    You wont look at yourself any different once you trully accept it. Other people may or may not, but you wont feel bad about yourself once you have accepted it. After most people accept themselves, they feel better than they ever did before. You also wont be missing out on anything with being with men, from what you are descibing it seems as though you would be missing out if you were with a woman. The best way to really have your answer is to just ask yourself, what should you have a problem with being gay? Once you get over the fear of the orientation, you wont have anything holding you back.

    You can still have relationships, families, soul mates. Life isnt really all that different. Sure their will be people who will disagree and try to put you down, but they can only get to you if you let them. If you want my opinion, it is honestly unlikely that you are really attracted to women if you are struggling this much with them. But, it doesnt mean you are losing anything in life either, guys are just as amazing. I cant tell you how to accept yourself, and there isnt really a specific way. Its just about accepting that you arent any less of a person because of your orientation.
     
  3. Prometheus

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    It's not really about other people's perceptions really, it's about me, I don't want to be with men but I feel like I'm being forced to do it by these thoughts and feelings, and this quest to figure it out. Part of me doesn't think men will satisfy me either, the thing is I have gotten to the point of being like "what the fuck difference does it make" and I still can't seem to accept myself. That's why I'm at a place of confusion because I've done all that I can to accept that I'm gay, yet I get no happiness or relief from it, its just depressing not because it makes me "different" (I'm already different gay or not) but because I don't want to have to sleep with men or be with men and I don't want to give up women. I feel like it's being forced on me, I dunno it's all very troubling.

    ---------- Post added 20th Aug 2012 at 06:19 PM ----------

    And I definitely find women attractive it's the degree of the attraction that concerns me, it's like why cant I orgasm during sex most of the time (during intercourse) yet sometimes I premature ejaculate? I just dont get it man
     
  4. Lexington

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    If you don't want to have to sleep with men or be with men or give up on women...then I'm thinking you haven't accepted that you're gay. Because being gay means it's guys that are doing it for you. Not that you have to want to bend over for every guy that comes your way...or want to do anal at all. But that's the entire list of requirements for "being gay" - "digging guys".

    So let me ask - why DON'T you want to be with guys?

    Lex
     
  5. Prometheus

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    I just don't like the "roughness" of guys or the masculinity, women and men just take up two different compartments in my brain it seems like, I just don't view men in the same light as women, and I don't find men as appealing to the eye either. I'm pretty masculine (I know being gay wouldnt affect that) but if I was gay I definitely think I'd go for the less masculine types.
     
  6. whatami

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    i think since you dont want to be with men then you have not accepted yourself and need to think of that.
     
  7. Lexington

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    Nothing wrong with that. There's no shortage of effeminate guys out there, and they need love, too. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. Prometheus

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    Haha true that, I'm sure I'd do pretty well for myself on the gay market, I know most gay guys like straight-ish guys so at least if I'm gay the dating scene will be much easier. It's really not so much about not wanting to be with men and more about not being able to be with women that scares me I guess. Because there are times when being with a woman can be fantastic. And i think I care more about women's thoughts of me than men's, I dunno, maybe I'm just kidding myself. But if I'm gay I seriously need to get to an okay place with it soon because it's really tearing me apart, another reason I don't want to be with men is that I just feel uncomfortable being sexual with them. Now I have been sexual two times with men and told everyone I know afterwards (they're all convinced I'm straight still, seriously that's how "straight" acting I am) I even said I may be gay or bisexual but it doesn't seem to help me accept myself anymore. I guess I just consider sleeping with women as part of my identity. It's very difficult to decipher I wish I was just clear cut gay or straight