I really dont know why I am writhing this or why it sounds like a poem at parts.

So today, moments ago, as I was getting ready to go to sleep I was emptying my bladder and looked at my dog, 4 months old pureblooded mobs breed named Fiona sleeping in her basket. I couldn’t help but stain my freshly washed face with warm salty liquid once I saw her looking me in the eyes. They trust me, they love, and they put their fate in me. I am supposed to be the one to module her behavior, I am the one supposed to take care of her and teach her the right way. But I cannot be that guy, I just can’t. After a month and two weeks’ time of training obedience and housebreaking, by each day she is getting worse by a small step. Easley, I can blame it all on her, however I am aware that her behavior depends solely on me. I am the reason my parents talked about selling her while they were unaware of my nearby presence. I am to blame and no one else. So as she looked me in the eyes, I saw myself in them, and I saw my father as well. I hate myself for being like him, I hate myself for looking the same, I hate him because he doesn’t take the blame for every self destructive thought I have. He ruined my childhood and was my greatest fear, I only enjoyed moments when he wasn’t near. And now when I’m older he still ruins my life because his reflection is the one that I see in the mirror.

I can’t raise a dog even less a child. What if being gay is a way to break the curse and stop the circle of abuse?

I don’t know what I am hoping to achieve by posting this, perhaps a kind word, to ease the sorrow when it cannot be erased. It ended up sounding like a poem but that wasn’t my original intention. My mind just works that way, the more pain I feel the easier the words flow and they follow a certain rhythm.
The worst part is that when I heard about selling the dog, part of me was relieved. All the commitments fell to me and I couldn’t take it anymore. But when I looked Fiona in the eyes I felt guilty for feeling relief. And people ask me why I get so angry when someone mentioned topic of having child to me. I know that I would be a terrible parent; I just know that I would traumatize my child, it runs in the family. At least my brother seems like a good father material :/

Why am I typing these and what am I trying to achieve? I don’t have a clue.