I really love this website, EC has really helped me become more confident and more vocal in real life when debating homosexuality. However, I've been living a lie; I'm a lesbian who has a boyfriend and we also have kids together. I just got back with him after a failed relationship with a woman. He knows that I'm gay, but he believes that I can change how I feel so how. I cannot and haven't tried in a while; I am really happy to be gay, but living a double life is becoming too much for me to handle. This facade, is making me sick literally, but I just feel stuck. Thankfully, we're not married even though he talks about it a lot. I cannot picture my life with a man because I would love to marry a woman. I hate what I'm doing to myself and him as well, but it seems like I cannot break free from this cycle that I've created for myself. I'm really just venting because it feels good to finally admit this to myself. I am somewhat dependent on him financially, but I'll be fine if I decide to leave. I just feel so bad because I've dragged him into my messed up life. It's not like he didn't know what he was getting himself into when we first got together, but I am mostly to blame. I'm 26 and he's 30; I cannot sit back and just watch him throw away his life away for me :tears:. This isn't the first time we've split up because of this, but I'm hoping it'll be the last. As much as it hurts, I have to let him go for good, I just don't know how. I know my situation may seem a little bit more complicated because I have kids, but it's really not. Any advice is appreciated, thanks
Well, it seems to me that you already know what you have to do. I would like to say that it is not "mostly your fault" either. He went into the relationship assuming that he could change you and it didnt work. I dont think that makes you any more responsible for it than he was. The only thing I would say is to tell him that we tried to make it work, but it didnt. Its best for you both to move on. You have learned that you cannot be happy with men. He has learned that he cant change someones sexuality. Overall, I would just sum it up to a learning experience. And you children will feel the same and love you regardless.
Aww...thank you so much. I appreciate the advice; I really did try; I am happy, but not fulfilled emotionally. Something is missing and I know what it is.
I would add that it may be time to start bringing others into your situation - do you have the ability to go to a counselor? If so, that would be one option. Quite frankly, putting your feelings out here on EC is another step in that direction - it does make it pretty clear that, deep down, you know what you need to do. Can you talk to your friends and your family (at least the people you're out to) about this? I suspect that if you really are in the middle of a cycle, their help will be a big part of getting you to break free of it. In short - talk to people about this. You know how you feel, and it's not going to go away, so don't hide it.
Thank you, Gravity I've been to a psychiatrist, but I never disclosed to him that I'm gay. I've also been to a therapist twice, but I couldn't connect with her. She made me feel like bad parent because at the time I was self medicating. I really do need to speak to someone because I feel like I'm losing it. I'm trying to keep my composure because I have kids and I need to be strong for them. I'm thinking about telling my Mom because I really need help, but I don't want to feel like a burden. I'm an adult, I should be able to handle and figure things out on my own, right?
I am thankful for the advice given, but decided to bump this thread for an update. I had one of the most heartfelt conversations with my kids father today and we've decided to split up. I'm not hurt because he is the most egotistical prick I've ever met and I can no longer stand his homophobia. My kids will be fine as we've already settled any custody disputes. However, I am torn and I think I need to get away for a little while. I love my kids with all my heart, but I'm thinking about giving him sole custody, so I can move out of state and figure out my life without him. I don't wanna feel like a bad parent, but I think I just need time to clear my mind and focus on my well being. I still feel like I'm abandoning my boys, but it's not like that. I just need time, my Mom will also be more than helpful and I'm so thankful for having such wonderful parents, but now, I'm going to have to come out to my dad and I know he will be accepting. I don't want to feel like a burden because it was my decision to have kids, but I didn't choose to be gay. I'm happy, but I just need time to start over and then once I'm established, my kids will live with me. I don't know what I'm asking, but any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you
