Will he ever change?

[Mumty]

Hi guys,

The names Mike and I'm nearly 16 and I'm questioning my sexuality now. I have been for a while and I've come to terms with it myself.

But that's not the problem - its the racist and homophobic idiot that is my father that I have to live with. It's like he's not my father - he's everything I'm not really. We couldn't be less alike. He doesn't know I'm gay and he's so homophobic it gets on my nerves. Anytime he sees a gay person on TV or camp person, the abuse he shouts is truly awful I don't want to repeat it.

And since I know what he's like, I have decided not to come out to my family for a few years at least until I'm far away from the small town and to Sydney (where I was born) and maybe write a letter. But I know he will hate me if I come out to him even by a letter because he's so homophobic.

So I'm just wondering - if I do come out will he disown me or will he change? I know he will never be fully accepting but will he even be able to talk to me? Because I know he's idiot sometimes but he is my father after all. And knowing my father disowns me would crush me, really.

[rg93]

It's hard to say. It's known to go both ways depending on your relationship towards your father. What about your mother? Is there any chance you can come out to her without your dad catching wind of it?

[Mumty]

Originally Posted by rg93

It's hard to say. It's known to go both ways depending on your relationship towards your father. What about your mother? Is there any chance you can come out to her without your dad catching wind of it?

Hi thanks for replying
I don't think I could come out to my mother and keep it a secret from my father, I don't know if its possible to keep that a secret

I think if I ever do it - it will be all or nothing.

[rg93]

Originally Posted by Mumty

Hi thanks for replying
I don't think I could come out to my mother and keep it a secret from my father, I don't know if its possible to keep that a secret

I think if I ever do it - it will be all or nothing.

Well, it kinda worked for me. Different family, different outcomes, I guess. Is your family religious or is there a reason that your dad is so hostile towards homosexuals? I'm not sure if it's normal to have so much hate towards a group of people without provocation.

PS: Thanks for that mood update, I was kinda eating at the time.

[Lexington]

As rg stated, there's really no telling. I've known raging homophobes that started thawing the second somebody close to them said they were gay. And I've known ones that didn't change at all, ever. If you really aren't that close to your father, once you move back to Sydney, you might not even HAVE to tell him - you can just get on with your life. That's really the most important part.

Lex

[Mumty]

rg93 - It's funny because we are not religious at all. I mean we are Catholics, but my dad hates priests (or the peadophiles as he calls them) and the only time we go to mass is Easter and Christmas. I'd like to know where he got his homophobia from her. Probably was just brought up that way I suppose.

Lexington - I've always thought about never telling my family, but even from such a distance away I don't know how I could get away with it. Surely when I'm 40 and I am not married to a woman surely they would know? And when I have kids (which I really want) how could I keep that from them? I don't know if I could do that.

[rg93]

Originally Posted by Mumty

rg93 - It's funny because we are not religious at all. I mean we are Catholics, but my dad hates priests (or the peadophiles as he calls them) and the only time we go to mass is Easter and Christmas. I'd like to know where he got his homophobia from her. Probably was just brought up that way I suppose.

Lexington - I've always thought about never telling my family, but even from such a distance away I don't know how I could get away with it. Surely when I'm 40 and I am not married to a woman surely they would know? And when I have kids (which I really want) how could I keep that from them? I don't know if I could do that.

Well in that case you could either

1. Take a risk and eventually come out to him and try to make your dad understand, that gays are not peadophiles (because it seems to me that he doesn't quite get it) and hope that he will at least listen to you (if he is that kind of guy). That plan depends on your dad not being narrow-minded.

or

2. Stick with your original plan on telling them when you've moved away via letter or phone.

How much longer are you stuck with them for?

[Mumty]

rg13 - This time 3 years, I'll be going to college (he says I have to go to college before going to Australia) so even then I won't be even rid of him completeley, unfortunately.

I'm trying to get away from Ireland as soon as, but with no money, qualifications or jobs I don't think it would be very wise.

[rg93]

Unfortunately you're right about it not being very wise leaving before finishing collage.

But then again, I guess 3 Years isn't too long a wait for freedom But in any case, here's me hoping you make it through those 3 years as quick and painless as possible!

You can do it!

[Lexington]

Originally Posted by Mumty

Lexington - I've always thought about never telling my family, but even from such a distance away I don't know how I could get away with it. Surely when I'm 40 and I am not married to a woman surely they would know? And when I have kids (which I really want) how could I keep that from them? I don't know if I could do that.

Maybe they would know. But maybe you wouldn't care whether they knew or not.

Lex