Hey everyone hope you all have a good day. I'm going throught a very hard situation right now I need advice n help so I can understand my situation. I was always attracted to guys since I was young but always deny it. I never been with a girl sexually because I never felt right with myself n my self esteem. But I did had encounters with my guy friends n had sex when I was around 13-15 but each time i would feel bad with myself n even cry about it but days after I wanted to do it again. Years after I try to have girlfriends n wanted to be with girls. I dream about having the perfect wife n kids. But never last more then 3 weeks with the 3 of the girlfriends i date. My atraction to other guys was still there n I would masturbate thinking about both men and females. I never accepted my self to be gay I though it was just a fantasy, and every time I ejaculated I would feel bad n nasty I even cry sometimes. When I was like 19 I started watching gay porn I feel weird the first time and only view 2 videos but after watching them I felt bad n said to my mind that that was nasty. N I would immediately go n look at girls so I would feel better n feel like a men. I then kept having fantasys with men n kept watching gay porn and every time it was more and more. I wanted to just watch streigh porn but didnt find it interested n always go directly to gay porn. I always thought I would change one day but this never happen. I just turn 22 a month ago n have not had any sexual penetration since i was like 16 or 17 with neither male or females. Well in december of 2009 this lady gave me oral sex but that's abou it. But non of this change wat I fell for men's. N around 19 me n my male friend both turned on while giving him massage n started to grab each other but nothing else happen cause his mom was coming. I went to vacation to my country and went with the illusion of getting a girlfriend but it's hard for me to find a girl very attractive so few days after I was there I was looking into guys again and every time I see a gay guy or I see groups or gay people around I try to pass by where they are even at clubs if I see two gay guys dancing I'll take my frind girls and dance almost next to them I never understood this. So after coming back I came back feeling weird and didnt recognize myself, I didn't fell like it was me, I fell I was someone else n had in my mind that I was gay. So i decided I was bi after I went clubbing n was dancing with a girl but I was getting hard while looking at a males but n movements it really turn me on cause I imagine him doing it with me. N I was asking myself why am I feeling like this and till this day I still don't forget his movements n his face. The day after I went to the beach n saw another hot guy who I find very attractive so I was again feeling weird n decided that day I was bi. I really fell I was bi. Two days later I wanted to tell the world I was bi even wanted to posted on Facebook I really dont care what people think about me. But a week after I started feeling really weird I didn't wanted to be like this I was wondering what I was, either straight,bi or gay and this confused me more and more. I was crying every night and day trying to figured out myself. I told 2 of my friends and fell better even when I went out with my friend a girl I was telling her ugh that guy is hot and I was been myselve I was happy with it but like I mention before I was thinking again I was confused and was straight. So 2 days ago I told my parents I was gay and mom told me it was ok my dad didn't wanted to accepted n say I was probably confused to go ahead n look for a find girl. I fell much better n took away all the heavy stress away. That night I couldn't sleep cause I didn't believe I told my parents n came out the closet. I was just imagined my partner n that I had a men next to me. The next morning I figured out I was atracted to my best male friend. We where together n see him as my partner even when I shower I think about him. When I'm with him I forget about everything n everyone I feel very secure with him. But yesterday after I saw one of my classmates a girl very gorgeous n sexy body she is a model I doubt about me been gay n thought again I was confused. I hate feeling this way because for one moment I feel I'm gay n happy that I want everyone to know but for another I'm confused. I believed is because I know my parents know n I feel awkward even thought they kind of ok with it I feel inside me that they are embarrassed of me and see me as a nasty creature I guess I'm trying to what my dad wants me to be. It is really weird what I'm going through. Like right now I'm feeling better that I'm typing my story and I feel I'm gay cause that's who I see myselve with a guy. I believe if I tell any stranger that's walking next to me or in a public place that I'm gay that's going to help me really accept myselve. I have a gay friend who I decided to meet up in few days to do him cause I feel that I need to do it to see if I'm really gay or what cause is been more than 5 years with out any sexual contact and when I talk to this gay friend I get hard and really want to have sex with him I believ after that I will feel better and completely acet who I am n what I want. But I'm scared in a way. The one thing I do not want to do is go back to the closet is very painful. Please help me and give me advise sorry for the long writing but need to express myselve n so that u guys understand me. Do you all really think I'm gay, bi straight or confused or I'm for sure gay but can't admitted anymore because I feel my parents looked at me dirty now I don't even go out my room any more only when I go to work and don't look at my mom face I try to avoid her I havent seen my dad n don't want I really need help. Thanks to you all have a bless day.
You said you have no attraction to women several times. Despite having sexual encounters with that woman, you still only wanted to return to having sex with men. Your shame and guilt is what made you cry, not that you didn't want, or enjoy, it. I don't know what else to tell you, I just restated what you posted, nothing more. For me, I enjoy messing around with females, but I don't want to have sex with them. I notice attractive men and women, but can only see myself having sex with men. I like being in relationships with women and having women in my life, just not having intercourse. I find it harder to picture having a relationship with a man than a woman. I tend to pick and choose what I like about both sides of the fence, but I can't have both. It'd help of I were attracted to transsexuals, but I'm not at all. I like my men to be men, and my women to be women. I don't know if you have those issues, or not, just wanted to share.
Well yes when I was with my guy friends n had the sexual encounters I did enjoy n like it a lot but I guess later I fell guilty because that is wrong for the world. N right now I see myselve more with a guy than a girl. I find guys more attractive n I believe I could easily do it with a girl but I would have to be very horny but who I'm really into sexually is guys n also physical atraction. I see girls more as to having kids n show the world that I'm a lucky men for having a gorgeous women. Im very picky with girls. She has to be very gorgeous n sexy in order for me to be atracted to her. Thank for helping ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2012 at 06:34 AM ---------- If at this moment they were to give me an option wether I get the most gorgeous women in the world or my male streigh friend who I believe I'm in love with with out any doubt I would pick my male friend. So see I for sure I'm gay but why I sometimes ask myselve that question if I'm really are or not. Is it that I just need to go ahead and accept myselve completely as who I am n what I feel
To tell you what you already know very well, well, you like men period Sorry if I'm being rude, but if you're a gay or bi, does it matter? Yes of course it does, because you said you wanna have a wife and kids, a socially "approved" family, so to say. But it seems like your parents reactions are not too bad, I don't know about how your friends would take that, but well, about family, you could still have one when you are a gay and with a man. The only problem, which you already very well know yourself too, is that it's hard for you to accept. that you like men, NOT THAT you are a gay or a bi. Do you have any reliable friend or maybe any grown up around you that you can talk about this? That's the single best way, trust me, than posting a thousand questions about Your Story about being confused. I'm not dismissing the merit of sharing your confusion here online quite anonymously. It helps, but I'm just feeling, for the sake of you, it'd be even better if you could work on a friendship that you feel quite secure sharing all these confusions. Oh one more thing, you seem to be asking desperately if we see you as a gay or bi or maybe even straight, but one thing you might want to realize is that when I say, well, you look like a gay, or maybe when the majority responds, oh well, you look like a straight guy! That doesn't change nor define who you are. Well of course there's something crazy called "gay phase" for certain people. But if this is a phase or no, one thing that would never change is that you have this strong feeling for your best male friend now, simply put you like man at the moment. Then I guess what you might want to occupy yourself with more, is not asking around if you sound like a gay or bi, but to work on that relationship, whether it comes out great or no I got no idea. I'm only hoping for the best. I'm actually a bit concerned for you because when you're in a serious denial or confusion, you might get to mess up with your life, which is not a good thing, which you already well know too.. and also feeling insecure and depressed oftentimes is not a pleasant experience I'd say. But just remember all this is helping you grow up. I'm having my hard time now too but all this, this is making you the better you, so to say, if you know what I mean. so Cheers and bonne chance
Thanks a lot I really appreciate your help and advice n yes I have friends who I already talk to them but most of them believed n tells me I'm probably confused they r okay with it. But now everyday I figured out that a guy is who I want to be with n I see myselve more with. N about my crush on my friend is impossible he is too much into church so u know he is ok with my desition but he believes I can changed one day.
