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He “cheated”, what should I do now?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gay Boi, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. Gay Boi

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    I don’t where to start because it’s complicated and long, but I’ll just give it a go. I have known this guy for ten months and things between us have been great until now. We met last year and we had this instant attraction to each other. We became fast friends because we had so much in common. We went out for dinner a few times after we met until rumors started about the two of us. We live in the same apartment building. Soon after that he started seeing this other girl. My gut told me he started seeing her because of the rumors about us. I cooled things of between him and I because I respected their relationship. Furthermore, the two of us were not officially dating at the time since were still getting to know each other. I also was not sure if she was in the picture before he and I met. We stayed friends though. Whenever I would see the two of them together something was off in terms of their body language and chemistry. They eventually broke up a few months later because I think she cheated on him. His past relationships with girls have been very short and a few of them ended up with the girls cheating on him.

    Since they broke up there two of us have become very close. (We haven’t been intimate with each thus far because we stay in the same building with homophobic neighbours and neither of us can afford to move out). I have been there for him through a lot this past year. Recently one evening he called me to say thank you for something I did for him. At the end of the conversation he said to me “when I get married I will tell my kids I was well taken care of”. (Gay marriage I legal in our country). I was startled by what he said. It was not the first time in the last few months he has brought up marriage but this time unlike the others it was not ambiguous. Three weeks ago, he was involved in a minor accident. I was by his side in the aftermath of the accident. At first it did not seem serious but when he started losing consciousness I called the paramedics. I was there sitting next to him while we were waiting for help. Finally when the paramedics arrived they said doesn’t need medical attention and will be ok. That evening our neighbours commented on how I was a good friend and so on. I did not respond because I was so shaken by everything that had happened that evening. That evening I realized how much I cared for him. Soon after the accident rumors started going around about the two of us. I knew the night of the accident that rumors would be going around about the two of us again. We have tried hard to hide how close we were in the last few months but when faced with a life or death situation, one forgets about all that nonsense because nothing and no one else matter then. I had to be his side and I didn’t care about what anybody would say. I would have wanted him there and so I had to be there for him.

    This past Sunday morning I saw him drive off with some girl. I was in the garden but he did not see me. She had spent the night at his place and he was taking her home. She was all dressed up from the night before and he was in pajamas. (I know he brought this girl to his place to spend night in order to prove to our housemates that he is not gay because he doesn’t want to be with girls). When he came back (without her) he saw me in the garden and came to say hello. He was surprised to see me and looked very uncomfortable. He was probably wondering if I saw him earlier with that girl. I asked him where he was coming from that early on a Sunday morning. He didn’t answer me. He instead asked me what’s up with all the questions. He then left with one of his friends who was passing by. Later that morning when I saw him again and I asked him the same question. He told he went to see a friend. He avoided eye contact and looked very tense. He them made up some excuse to leave. I have been crying for the past three days. I am hurting inside and I don’t know what to do. I sit at my desk at work and tears just stream down my face.

    I haven’t spoken to him since that uncomfortable conversation until today. He called me to ask if I am going to the concert tonight. I told him I have other plans. He sounded relived. My gut tells me he wanted to check if the coast was clear before inviting that girl to the concert so that he can once again prove to everybody that he is not gay. I later called him back to ask him why he asked me if I was going to the concert because he knew I have other plans. He once again said what’s up with all the questions. He then said he wasn’t sure if I was coming because we haven’t talked in a while. He once again asked me if I am coming and then changed the topic.

    I want to ask him what happened on Sunday but I am not sure how I should bring it up. What if for some strange reason she did not spend the night at his place but then why would he lie about his whereabouts that Sunday morning? I don’t want to ruin things between us and loose him because of my paranoia. I have avoided him for the past few days because I want to calm down first. I was thinking of asking him through email but that will give him enough time to craft a clever response. I also thought of calling him but I am not sure if that’s the best option. I don’t want to see him because I am still very distraught. What should I say to him? Should I call it quits and move on with my life. I understand the reasons why he did what he did and why he is lying but he hurt me. He lied to me and I don’t know if we can ever rebuild trust. I also can’t get the sight of the two of them together out of my mind. I want make it work but I am not sure if things will ever work between us after this. Will his need to prove to everyone he is not gay lead him to repeat what he did in the future? On hindsight it is clear that he dated the first girl (and this one) for the sake of appearances because he doesn’t want to be with girls. On a number of occasions he told me he doesn’t understand why girls always want “more” from him. Should I give him a second chance because he hasn’t technically cheated since he and I haven’t been intimate yet? And from what I have come to learn about him he has a hard time reconciling his feelings for guys with his religion and culture. Should I give him more time to work thorough the stuff that’s bothering him and how do I ask him what happened this weekend? I don’t want to hurt like this again and I also don’t want to waste my time on a relationship with no future.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this…
     
  2. Akatosh

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    I have a few questions that may help me better understand your situation. You both have not been intimate with each other, so how are you for sure that he's gay? Are you basing it off the fact that you two wen to dinner together? What led you to believe there was a mutual instant attraction? Where do you live that the neighbors are so unoccupied to notice every encounter you both have? They seem very nosy, as some neighbors are. What conversations have you both had about your attraction to one another? Have there been any? If you've had conversations about your relationship (in a sexual sense), were they difficult conversations?

    You seem to just assume a lot about your friend, as if you can read minds. Are you sure you aren't just projecting your desire to be in a relationship onto him because he's not very strong in his sexuality? You assume a lot about his intentions, and once again, you read too far into his time of voice and his actions. He's not the one holding you hostage in this situation, it sounds to me that you are holding yourself hostage. Like you said, you understand that you can just move on. It's not like he has tried stopping you from seeing other people. If you really want to test where your relationship stands with him, why not date another guy and see how he reacts to that?

    I'm not saying I don't believe what you are telling us, I'm trying to point out that a lot of what you're saying is purely conjecture. I've projected feeling onto someone I was extremely attracted to, and spent a lot of time trying to convince him, and others, that the attraction was mutual. I've gone through the mind reading and assumption making, and I was holding myself hostage.
     
    #2 Akatosh, Aug 21, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2012
  3. blightedsight

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    I was just about to write pretty much what Andmow has written.
    I don't know if you want to give clarification on the questions raised or not, but they would help because, right now, it seems more like you've assumed a relationship without verification and now you're holding this guy to it, when he's not really in it.
     
  4. Gay Boi

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    Thanks for replying. I am not sure if have assumed a relationship between us but here it goes…

    I don’t think he is gay because we went out for dinner. On a number of occasions he has told me he doesn’t understand why girls always want “more” from him and why cant they just be friends with him. I took that as a way of him telling me that he is gay. He gets uncomfortable when it comes to gay stuff. I remember the one time I told him about a friend I was angry at for cheating on his wife. He said I should understand that society expects men to be virile and have many women. He further went onto say that guys whom are monogamous are thought of as “somehow” (as in gay). He couldn’t even use the word gay or homosexual! The mutual attraction thing goes back to the day we met it’s a long story but he is definitely attracted to me as I am to him. Our neighbours are extremely nosey. Once our neighbours asked what’s happening between us (that was after we had just met). I also recently overheard one of neighbours at a meeting in our building saying that he and I are a couple; it happened on more than occasion. I guess they can see through us….

    During one of our “dates” he once said to me I never thought I would meet someone with some of my qualities. And then went on to name them. The one time I sent him an email saying hello because we had not seen each in a while and I told I miss him. He said to me in reply, it’s hard to have someone especially when you don’t see each other but trusting that person is there is the most important thing. We haven’t yet talked about sexual matters explicitly but we have talked about our HIV test results recently….

    I have seen his reaction when it comes to other guys. I once flirted with one of his friends in front of him and he didn’t like it. I did it purposefully to see how he would react. He did not say anything to me but he became a sulky afterwards.
     
  5. Lexington

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    There are a couple of problems with keeping everything an "open secret" or "not talked about". One is that you don't have any idea exactly what it is that you have. Another is that you don't know where the boundaries or guidelines are. He might think "Why shouldn't I hook up with this girl? It's not like I'm dating GB." Whereas you assumed you were...well, what exactly? A nonsexual but exclusive relationship?

    Is there anything to be gained by keeping a would-be relationship deeply under wraps? Your neighbors will think there's something going on between you? Don't they already think that? :slight_smile: So why not say "Screw it" and actually take the step? Talk to him. Say you've developed feelings for him, and you weren't aware of how deep they were until he hurt himself, and until he appeared to have spent the night with a woman last weekend. And then see if you and he are gonna happen. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. Gay Boi

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    I have tried hard to talk about us and our future but he avoids difficult topics. I guess I haven’t tried hard enough. I don’t care about everybody knowing about us but he is the problem. The one thing I have realised with age is no matter how hard you try to hide things people have a way of seeing through all the lies and they will still talk. I was going to come out to my parents so that I can introduce him officially because my mom always asks if she knows this guy I am always talking about; I haven’t come out officially to her but she knows I am gay (29 and never had a girlfriend). Anyways, he knows I have feelings for him. I have told him so many times how grateful I am to have him in my life and how much I care about him. I have also done a lot for him; a lot more than a friend you have only known for year would have done, so he knows how I feel. Like I said he’s not good with words and difficult issues but he has told not in so many words that he has feelings for me and I don’t doubt them. What hurts me the most is how he lied to me and the means he has gone to look straight to everybody. I know he doesn’t care about her and it makes it easier but still it hurts. He knows how much I care about him yet for him appearing straight is more important than my feelings and I guess by lying he is trying to spare me the pain. But I know what happened. Because of what happened I am scared of being hurt like this again in the future because from the way things seem right now it may happen again in the future because people will always talk.
     
  7. Akatosh

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    The person I projected my feelings on also had many indicators that he was gay, and its what drove me to him. You still are trying to force something on him that he's obviously not ready for. If you want something more, then you'll have to tell him exactly what you're telling us. Even the, if he's not ready for it, then he'll stop talking to you (as in my case), because he isn't ready for that step yet. If your neighbors already think you're a couple, and you haven't been kicked out of your living rrangement yet, then I'm guessing things won't change if they have definitive proof that you are gay. You need to tell him where you're coming from directly, even if it should be obvious to him, he'll still reject the idea for the survival of his ego-self. I think you probably already know this, and what im saying is not news to you, and is actually why you're prolonging any type of confrontation. Stop living in your head and talk to him. If you don't want to talk to him, then try finding someone else to move your obsession off of him. I've been in a situation almost exactly identical to this, and you don't want to keep torturing yourself and him.

    ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2012 at 01:37 PM ----------

    You're to understanding hat he hasn't betrayed you in anyway. You do not have control and do not have part in his romantic relationships with others. I've been wrapped up in the same fantasy that my friend will automatically accept that he's gay once he realizes how much I care for him. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, if you back off (I know it's hard and seemingly painful), he might have enough space to realize he (not confirming he does) have feelings for you or other men. I think you're wrapped up in a fantasy, and you're giving excuses for why it's acceptable when it isn't.
     
  8. Gay Boi

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    I guess he is not yet ready to face the music because he told me a few times that he figures “things” out late. I’ve asked what are the things he is referring to and he said his career and other things and then changes the topic. I guess he’s not fully ready for a romantic relationship, if he’ll try so hard to appear to everybody that he is straight, despite all that marriage stuff he’s brought up recently. The one thing I won’t do is to be involved with him in secret while he’s dating a girl for the sake of appearances. While with his ex he told me there is no future and he is not in love with her as way to get me to take things to the next level with him I think. I kept things platonic between us while they were still together because I knew how hurt she would be if she knew what was going on. I know if I demand an exclusive relationship I realise that I might scare him away but it is a risk I am willing to take.

    I just don’t know how to deal with all of this…
     
  9. Lexington

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    If he finds it hard to talk about difficult topics, and changes the topic...it means you're letting him change the topic. Because as long as you don't talk about it, he can claim it wasn't spoken. :slight_smile:

    You have every right to know - are you and him gonna happen? Because if not, it's utterly unfair of him to string you along by suggesting that you're a couple while he goes and hooks up with women. Either he's your boyfriend (or is in the process of becoming so) or he isn't. So I'd say it's time for a sit-down, no-you're-not-going-to-change-the-subject talk.

    Lex
     
  10. Gay Boi

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    I guess I need to calm down before that happens because emotions are running high right now. Its definitely unfair to bring up the marriage (more than once even though casually) and leading me to believe that he wants a committed relationship whilst seeing women for the sake of appearing straight. How do I put things on the table? We have been beating around the bush for way too long…
     
  11. Akatosh

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    There's nothing unfair about, IMHO. You just don't like hearing what he's saying. In a subtle way, he's probably telling you to give him some breathing room. By the very title of this thread, there's something majorly wrong about your perception of this relationship. You keep turning this into something that is being done to you, when in reality, that thought process keeps you locked down on him. I'm not being mean, I am telling you the truth. Talk to him, tell him you're stance on what you want your relationship to mean, and move on for both of your sakes. Write him a letter if confrontation is too difficult. You'll have his full attention then, and he can't change the subject. Who knows, maybe you'll change him. Quit judging his personal life. If he wants to give the appearance of being straight to others, then it's really none of your business. Tell me you understand where I'm coming from, at least.
     
  12. Ben

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    From what you've said, it really sounds like you're reading this the wrong way. He didn't say that he wanted to marry you and I can't really see any evidence that he considers himself to be in a relationship with you from what you've written.

    If you want to put things on the table, then tell him you're gay and that you're interested in him. If he says he's straight, then he's straight.
     
  13. Aldrick

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    I'm wondering have you ever told him directly that you're gay? As in, have you said the words, "I'm gay."

    Before confessing your feelings, and talking about relationships, if you haven't done that it's a good place to start.

    If he knows you're gay... You've already said that he hasn't revealed with any true clarity whether or not he is gay. So, if he already knows, just tell him he's sending you mixed signals, and ask him pointedly whether or not he thinks he is gay.

    If he isn't willing to admit to another gay man, a man he might have feelings for, that he is also gay - then there is no hope for a relationship.

    You could be misinterpreting the things he is saying and doing, and the guy could be completely straight. Or you could be reading him correctly, and he could be deeply in the closet with the door firmly barred. Either way, unless he's willing to poke his head out and have an honest, frank, and open conversation with you then a relationship isn't going to work.
     
  14. Lexington

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    Seconded. When I first read "when I get married I will tell my kids I was well taken care of”, I read it as "When I get married and have kids, I'll be able to tell my kids I was well-taken-care of (by somebody else)." Your comments afterward suggested that it definitely meant "When WE get married, I'll tell the kids that you took great care of me before we got married." So I thought I might have read it wrong. But perhaps I didn't...

    "I think it's time I put all the cards on the table, just to clear up any misunderstanding. I'm gay. I'm interested in you. I was under the impression that you were interested in me, but I think I might need to clarify that. I'd like to be your boyfriend. Is that something you're interested in? I need to know so I don't keep getting my hopes up, and so I can look elsewhere if that's not going to happen."

    Lex