So, obviously I am gay. My problem lies with being in a heterosexual relationship. I desperately love my wife, but since I came out, I have craved the feel and touch of a man more and more. Like I said, I love her with all of my heart and I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already has been. She has stood by me not only as my wife, but my best friend. I guess my question is, has anyone else been through this? I am gay but with a straight women. I want to make her happy, but I cannot be fake to myself anymore.
In my opinion, the only way you can make her happy is if you leave her and let her find someone who can give her everything you can't.
I agree with blightedsight, but you don't have to stop being best friends if she can forgive you for not telling her from the start. :goodluck:
There are lots and lots of people -- including quite a few here at EC -- that are in your situation or have been in it. Society puts very strong pressure on men to conform, get married, and act "normal" and being gay doesn't fit into that at all. So, unfortunately, many men, who deep down know better, get married, hoping they'll "grow into it" or that they can change. But they can't. Sexual orientation is fixed hardwired from very early in life. I strongly recommend Joe Kort's amazing book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love". The book is incredibly poorly named, in that it has little to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding and accepting yourself. There are several chapters that address the specifics of being heterosexually married and realizing you're gay and the coming out process. I think you'll find it very helpful. If you search here, you'll find threads by Maxx, 55, JimL, and others, all married gay men who have been through the exact same things you've been through. Some of those threads have hundreds of responses and I think you might find some very helpful information in there that will relate to your situation. And, too, I think you'll find the EC community as a whole to be very helpful and supportive. The best thing you can do right now is talk about what you're feeling, what your fears are, and get input and help from the community. Feeling like others have been where you are is a huge help in feeling supported in moving forward.
Jim will probably weigh in - he was married with children when he first became aware of his sexuality. But I'll give you my thoughts. Let's lay everything bare, and look at your options here. 1. Do nothing - stay with your wife, and don't do anything with guys. Satisfy your "gay cravings" with masturbation and fantasy. 2. Stay with your wife, but see guys behind your wife's back. 3. Stay with your wife, but see guys with your wife's knowledge and approval. 4. Break up with your wife, and see guys whenever and however you like. It sounds like you've been trying to stick with Option 1 for some time now...and it may not be working. And if so, that leaves options 2 through 4. Option 2 always seems to be the most tempting. And why not? Then you don't have to be talk to your wife about it. You can keep that nice and safe and "normal" relationship, and you don't have to "hurt her" by letting her know that you're gay. I guess you probably wouldn't be surprised to hear me say that I don't agree with that assessment. Part of being in a relationship is trust, and you should be able to trust her with the knowledge that you're gay and looking to hook up with guys. And giving her the option on what to do with that knowledge. Lex
