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how to let it go?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kylegf2011, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. kylegf2011

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    Its just I already accepted Im gay and all, but suddenly I meet this girl, that kind of flirts with me and she´s pretty, and so I see a window. I didnt feel attracted to her in the way I am to guys, but I thought I would give it a shot and maybe I would find out I do like girls. So we went out, it went great, but not once did I actually see her in a romantic way. But then she just stopped talking to me, so I became kind of obssesed, I wanted her to like me, I wanted to have a girlfriend. I did alot of thinking, and came to the conclusion I didnt like her that much, and that I really wasnt attracted to her.

    But here is where I started thinking:What if me being gay was related to not being able to go out with girls? Like I have tried some times and I just end up giving up, so is being gay my way of justifying my inability to ask a girl out, like a kind of excuse? I mean I do like guys now, but since this question got into my mind, I haven´t been able stop thinking about it, and Im having these thoughts all the time that maybe I should ask a girl out and not get bored of her to see if I really dont like girls, or if its just an excuse....
     
  2. ForceAndVerve

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    Honestly, I think your blurring the distinction between wanting a girlfriend, and wanting a friend who happens to be a girl.

    Read the parts I quoted. If you don't feel anything sexual/romantic towards her or any other girls, then your sexuality isn't something you've conjured up merely as an excuse to your inability to get a girlfriend.

    Sorry if I'm being a bit blunt. :icon_redf
     
  3. Chip

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    I agree. I think maybe you haven't fully accepted that you're gay, and are at some level maybe desperately looking for a way to still "belong" to the straight world. If you didn't have that understanding, you wouldn't be seeking out these opportunities with women, you'd just politely say "Sorry, I'm into guys" or some such.

    Boys who are gay aren't gay because there are no girls around. If so, then most of the guys who go to all-boys boarding schools would be poofs. Likewise, before the armed forces allowed women to serve, then everyone at war would turn into a big faggot. :slight_smile: And, obviously, neither of those are happening.

    What you're experiencing is part of the "bargaining" phase of the 5 stages of loss. Acknowledging that yes, you're attracted to guys, but maybe you'll still end up with a wife. And that's fine, and a normal part of the process of accepting yourself. But that's what it is... as forceandverve said, you've pretty much said it yourself in your own words.
     
  4. Akatosh

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    I recently stopped hanging out with a friend of mine because she crossed the bounds of our friendship (as diluted as they were). One night we were watching Arrested Development when we started making out. Things moved to the kitchen, then the laundry room, back to the kitchen, and she told me she wanted me inside of her. I told her that I wasn't ready for that yet, and she blew up, threw a fit and pouted for 3 awkward hours.

    Some history: We've been friends for 2 years and she was the second person I had told that I was bisexual. Fast forward to a couple months ago, I told her about a guy I was starting to date, and she acted really supportive. Two days after her boyfriend broke up with her is when we started messing around, and I really think she was trying to get at me before things got serious between me and the guy. It was a power move, and she didn't care if I was actually gay or not. She liked the power she exerted over me. She just liked power. A lot of women I've ended up with have been complete power freaks, and I don't see it as a coincidence.
     
  5. kylegf2011

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    yeah, I guess you´re right, I mean I would love to be part of the straight world to not have to deal with having to tell my family and stuff :icon_sad:

    But I still have this feeling sometimes that I´ve been convincing myself I dont like girls because Im unable to aske them out, that I´ve finally believed it, I dont know, its just this thought I cant get out of my head :bang:
     
  6. whatami

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    you should deffinitly get to understand yourself more. To fully accept who you are. Im not saying that you are not fully with your sexual orientation but i just think that you should get to know yourself more. Maybe experiment with things?
     
  7. kylegf2011

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    like what things?
     
  8. Chip

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    Well... as much as I absolutely don't believe one has to be in a gay relationship to know they're gay, in this case, I suspect that when you do find your first real boyfriend and have a meaningful relationship develop, it will be much easier to get that thought out of your head. Right now, it's more theoretical. Once that person is in your life, I think it will be a lot easier.

    But in the meantime, I think you can just recognize it as a game you're playing with yourself and try and avoid giving any energy to it.
     
  9. kylegf2011

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    yea you´re right, and actually the more I think about it the more I come to the same conclusion that I´m gay. I guess its just this part of me that is terrified to death of my family and therefore wishes to be straight (or bi), but what can I do right? thx for the advice :slight_smile: