1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Came out to dad, what a crappy response

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Annon, Aug 21, 2012.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 1 of 2
  1. Annon

    Annon
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2012
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kent, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Today I asked my dad along to a counselling session with me. He was rude to my counsellor. The. As soon as I told him, he said is that it, right let's go and made me leave. We were there less than 5 mins. Then on the way home his manor, his actions were so, well not calm. Not serious, he reacted like I just told him a funny joke. We got to my house, (my mum and dad are split up, so I live with my mum,) and said, well that was a waist of your mothers money. I got out the car, slammed the door and said, if all you are going to take from that entire convisation is it costs my mum £15 a week for me to see a counsellor and to make my life better, then stuff you. I told him I am not going to speak to him when he is being like that, and I walked off, in tears. My mum was at the door and saw him and I shouting.
    I was so upset, I love my dad, I am so loyal to him. He had the right to know, so I told him. And all he did was laugh and tell me he jokes about his gay and bi friends so he's going to make jokes about me.
    Anyway I was so cross at the time. I just went into the garden, layed on the grass and cried. Mum came out and spoke to me, she rung my counsellor to apologise about how rude my dad was.
    I've only once seen him like that, and that was 9-10 years ago.
    I have gone from wanting to tell him, to seeing how long I could go without telling him. To almost hating him for not caring about such a big thing in my life.
    I haven't spoken to him, he hasn't tried to contact me at all. Not even be man enough to say, I understand this is a big deal for you, and I am sorry I didn't show any support.
    I still want to cry thinking about the fact we have fallen out.
    Just wanted to share how I feel.
     
    #1 Annon, Aug 21, 2012
  2. ForceAndVerve

    ForceAndVerve
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2012
    Messages:
    617
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think I understand why your parents are seperated...

    In all seriousness, you don't need someone like that in your life right now. Especially if the bit about him making jokes about you is true. I can't imagine a father saying that to thier child...

    Leave your father alone. Hopefully he will see sense and realise that your his son and no matter what, his love and support for you should be unconditional. I know you're loyal to him and all but really, some things you should not have to put up with.
     
    #2 ForceAndVerve, Aug 21, 2012
  3. Jim1454

    Jim1454
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    I'm really sorry to hear that it went as bad as that.

    I'm wondering if it might be worth writing your dad a letter to share with him some of the things you've shared with us here. Let him know how you feel. How his actions made you feel. How you're not sure how to have a relationship with him all the while this situation hangs over both of you - as I'm sure that's how you feel.

    Maybe have your mom read it. Or post it here first for us to look at. Getting this off your chest will be helpful, and it might help your dad figure out how to approach the subject again and smooth things over with you.

    Because he's your dad, and I'm sure he loves you. He has been presented with a situation that he doesn't know how to react to. Some people, when they are in uncharted waters, retreat. (So he left the session rather than stick it out.) Other times they make lite of it and make jokes. (Which I gather he did.) These are nervous reaction to situations that we aren't comfortable with. This came as a shock to your dad - apparently - and he might need a bit of time to digest it. Just like you needed time to digest that you were gay.

    Does that make sense? Sound like a plan?
     
    #3 Jim1454, Aug 21, 2012
  4. Akatosh

    Akatosh
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2012
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey Annon, I'm sorry your dad did not handle the news in a more mature manner. You are very brave for taking him to the counselor, so congratulations on your strength. When my father found gay porn on the computer at age 13, he only disapprovingly said "You're lucky your mom didn't find it first. It would have broken her heart", then walked off. Although we have not talked about it ever again, we've gone through a long, difficult fallout period of 11 years. I forgave him, accepted myself, and we have a better relationship than we did all those years ago. He will love you because your his son, no matter what. He'll come around. You have a great mindset, so keep it up. Cheers.
     
    #4 Akatosh, Aug 21, 2012
  5. Annon

    Annon
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2012
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kent, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you very much, that letter idea is great. I have almost started crying this evening the amount of support I have seen on different threads of mine. I will, I am at work tomorrow, but as soon as I finish I will write it up, post it on this thread, and depending on the response I get, choose whether to send it or not.
    Thank everyone so much
     
    #5 Annon, Aug 21, 2012
  6. Lexington

    Lexington
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The good news is - it's over. He knows. I think Jim might be on to something.

    Lex
     
    #6 Lexington, Aug 21, 2012
  7. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Brené Brown, in her newest research, has discovered that many people, particularly men, view the world in a binary way, which she calls "Viking or Victim."

    These people view everyone as fitting into one of two categories, the "Vikings" being the people who win at all costs, who are tough and unyielding, and who, faced with anything that involves sensitivity, vulnerability, or openness, basically get angry, resistant, or completely shut down. Or they retreat. The Vikings simply cannot understand, comprehend, or handle anything involving vulnerability, and view the "other group" of people as weak, pathetic losers, because they have no access to their own vulnerability. Which also means they cannot connect to anyone on a deep level, cannot truly feel love, and have all the other weaknesses that come with numbing vulnerability.

    It sounds like your dad could fit into the Viking category.

    So if that's the case, what you're seeing is, essentially, a defensive response. And I could imagine that, if he had no idea you were gay before going to the counseling session, it hit him so hard between the eyes that he simply couldn't function. So he retreated. If you think about it, something major had to be going on for him to just abruptly get up and leave, when clearly you'd put forth every ounce of strength and courage to say what you had to say.

    And I'd wager that, inside all of this armor of bravado and manliness that he is absolutely crushed, probably blaming himself, and feels miserable, not only about this revelation on your part, but about how he handled it.

    But you probably won't hear about that for a while.

    Remember... you've been dealing with this issue for some time, and probably had a somewhat similar reaction when you first started considering that you might be gay. You've had time to process it, he hasn't. And you've had a therapist to help you work through the feelings, he would probably rather have a root canal than go talk to anyone about his feelings.

    So my guess is that, given time -- and time could be anywhere from a week to 5 years -- he will come around. It may be tough for him, as the Vikings have a lot invested in their lenses on the world, and it takes a lot to shake the foundation and begin to change those lenses. But if the cost is losing connection with his son, that's a strong enough incentive for almost everyone to start the process of making the change.

    It really sucks that you had that experience. But as Lex said... it's over. And, honestly, it can only get better from here. Give it time, and I think you'll see that it will get better with him.
     
    #7 Chip, Aug 21, 2012
  8. jimL

    jimL
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2011
    Messages:
    606
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon, USA
    That totally sucks. It's his loss. I think writing him a letter is a great idea. Hopefully with time he will think about how much he has to loose and how he has harmed you. Your vary brave for coming out to him. Keep your head high and be proud of yourself.
     
    #8 jimL, Aug 21, 2012
  9. Condorman

    Condorman
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2012
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Letter sounds good. Hold your head high and I think you are a brave young man.
     
    #9 Condorman, Aug 21, 2012
  10. Annon

    Annon
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2012
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kent, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your support. If you are interested, there's an update. This morning about 10 dad texted. He asked if I was free tonight. So I arranged for him to come round. Will let you guys know how we get on.
    Wish me luck
     
    #10 Annon, Aug 22, 2012
  11. csm123

    csm123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2009
    Messages:
    272
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lincs(UK)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Good luck Annon

    I would allow him a little time to process what you told him.When you meet up tonight,if you can see some signs of improvement and acceptance i think that after a short time he will come around and things will pretty much go back to where you were before you told him.
     
    #11 csm123, Aug 22, 2012
  12. jimL

    jimL
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2011
    Messages:
    606
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon, USA
    Oh I hope that is a good thing. Hopefully he has thought about his actions!!!!! Good luck dude.
     
    #12 jimL, Aug 22, 2012
  13. Annon

    Annon
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2012
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kent, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For anyone that's still reading. We spoke, we talked for about 1hour 20. Slowly the conversation got better and jollier. Turns out, he wasn't angry about me or my decision, but by the fact I told him infront of a complete stranger. What makes it worse via that he doesn't like counsellors anyway. So we talked, made jokes, told each other what each of us thought had happened, and why each of us acted the way we did. In the end we were talking about the most normal of things. So all in all, not such a crappy response, but a slightly misguided judgement, or something along those lines. In the end, we're cool now. Between me and dad, everything is sorted.
     
    #13 Annon, Aug 22, 2012
  14. Lance

    Lance
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2012
    Messages:
    506
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's great news! It didn't sound to good before. I'm really happy it worked out for you. (*hug*)
     
    #14 Lance, Aug 22, 2012
  15. Annon

    Annon
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2012
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kent, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your support
     
    #15 Annon, Aug 22, 2012
  16. ForceAndVerve

    ForceAndVerve
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2012
    Messages:
    617
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'll be honest, I did not see that coming. I'm happy for you Annon! :icon_bigg
     
    #16 ForceAndVerve, Aug 22, 2012
  17. BradThePug

    BradThePug
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,573
    Likes Received:
    288
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm glad that he has come around. Sounds like the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.
     
    #17 BradThePug, Aug 22, 2012
  18. IllusiveRannoch

    IllusiveRannoch
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2012
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    yay. i'm very happy for you Annon.(*hug*)
     
    #18 IllusiveRannoch, Aug 22, 2012
  19. Akatosh

    Akatosh
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2012
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    0
    :smile: :smile: :smile:
     
    #19 Akatosh, Aug 22, 2012
  20. Annon

    Annon
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2012
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kent, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks guys
     
    #20 Annon, Aug 22, 2012
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 1 of 2