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Going "back and forth" for many years now

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Cocoan, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. Cocoan

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    First of all I'd like to say, I love that I managed to find this site after so many years of questions I have, I've been reading through some posts now for 2 straight days without really finding my answer however.

    I know what you're going to say, only I can know for sure, but see there's where you're wrong, I don't know and I was hoping you guys could help me figure out If I am Gay or Bi.

    I thought I'd start off with just telling you all abit about myself.

    I'm 20 years old, male and I just recently moved from my dads house and now rent my own appartment, have a fulltime job that I love.

    My problem is this, I've always known I've never wanted to have a relationship with a woman, I've been single for all my life, never really had any physical contact other than hugs or maybe a kiss from a friend, nothing special really.

    But there's still this thing that I'm wondering about, I want to have a boyfriend, and known I wanted one for a long time, but what's confusing me is that I go back and forth between fantasy about men and women, and it's confusing because I think I know what I want and it shouldn't be harder than that, still I cannot make up my mind.

    Funny thing is, about a year ago I had contact with a lovely guy over the internet and we really talked everyday on messenger and I actually had fantasies and dreams about him, never felt that way about a girl, I've also been in love with one of my best friends, that I know barely speak to due to him having a girlfriend and I don't want to tell him anything about this because I know it would just turn out bad, I mean my feelings are my own and he shouldn't be bothered by it.

    However I'm only able to have feelings for guys, and I have watched straight porn for a long time but now I can barely watch it because I don't really want to, but gay porn isn't good for me either in that way, odd I know!

    Anyways I don't even know anymore maybe you guys could help me out a bit, I know all this is kind of just me blabbling about, but I don't know how else to put it.

    I don't see any future with a girlfriend, kids or anything like that, I've always liked being close to guys, somehow I feel more secure talking to them about things.

    Actually I came out to 2 of my girlfriends some years ago as bi, but now I'm starting to wondering if I'm not gay after all, I guess time will tell but it just feels like I'm wasting time thinking over it instead of really figuring it out so I can start enjoying life more you know.

    Thanks in advance, sorry for confusing post, but my head is confused. :smilewave
     
  2. Chip

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    From what you've said above, I'd say gay. And I think you already know it.

    If I read your post correctly, you've had girlfriends you've never done anything with sexually, you've always been attracted to guys, you've never wanted a relationship with a woman, you want to have a boyfriend, and you've had fantasies about men in a way you've never had about women.

    Nothing in there remotely says straight, and, honestly, very little even indicates bisexuality.

    But what's most likely going on is shame and fear of what it would mean to acknowledge that you're gay, plus the loss of belonging to the "straight" world is getting in the way of you accepting who you are.

    Does that fit? How does it feel for me to say that?
     
  3. Cocoan

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    It sounds right, but still god damn confusing because, all these years I've been straight, or I think so atleast, but now it's hard to even think about a woman lol, I just keep going, no,.. no that's not right.

    Guess I just have trouble accepting it myself.
     
  4. Filip

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    First of all: welcome to EC! :smilewave

    Your post does remind me a lot of when I first started coming to grips with being gay. Sure, there was all of the objective evidence of me crushing on guys, imagining spending my life with one, fantasising about guys, and getting off to a stash of exclusively gay porn...
    But somehow, the best summary of my initial feeling was "I'm still straight! I just only want relationships with men!"
    (which, in itself, was a step up from "I'm straight! This is just a phase and someday I'll wake up only liking women!")

    I do think it's not odd at all to take some time between knowing it and feeling it, though. For years, everyone assumed you were straight. Whenever parents, friends or family talk about how they imagine your future, the spoon-fed image of the perfect family is one man and one woman. And quite often, when trying to fit the straight stereotype, it's possible to entertain fantasies of being married to a woman, and even get off to sexual fantasies with women (even if it's not the thing you want most... fantasies are fantasies, and sex is sex. So there's bound to be something pleasant about those fantasies in any case).
    It's also very tempting to go for the fantasy that would be easier and more acceptable, than the one that comes with a lot of uncertainty or anxiety about how such a thing would work out in reality.


    I'll be honest here: Even after nearly 4 years of being out, it feels like calling myself "gay" seems like a whole wrong fit entirely. When I think of myself, I think "I'm Filip, and I just happen to like guys". Saying "I'm gay" implies it is somehow a summary of you, while it really is only one detail.

    However: I must say that it got easier, and life improved massively once I just decided "hey, even if I'm not yet entirely comfortable with it, let's roll with it anyway". I came out to most of my friends and some colleagues, and them being accepting about it ended up being just what I needed to get used to the idea.
    Yeah, at first, there was some confusion. Girls were disappointed when it turned out I didn't have a secret fashion sense. Guys were disappointed I still kicked their asses in judo. There were some awkward jokes. But there was also genuine interest, acceptance, and deep conversations about it. Ending in me being pretty comfortable about calling myself gay. It's way closer to the truth than calling myself straight.


    Maybe a good first step you could take would be to just be "privately gay" for a bit. Change your orientation here on EC to "gay", and roll with that. Look in the mirror every morning and say "hey, I'm still who I always was, and being gay doesn't change that". If you're finding yourself crushing on a guy, or fantasising about being with a boyfriend, just say "well, still gay! Nothing wrong with that!" If your 2 friends already know you're not straight, maybe you could end up mentioning you're really operating exclusively on the gay end of the spectrum. And see if it doesn't become easier as you go!
     
  5. Cocoan

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    I appreciate you guys replying to my thread, and right now I'm really starting to think about it more and more, hoping I can "accept" myself?, it just feels so unreal, although my interest for women are almost gone now I'm guessing I'm going in the right direction somehow.

    Everything feels so weird, I can sit here reading your replies over and over, and some of the things you say are true, and that you have experienced it aswell makes it easier for me to deal with.

    Just thinking about telling everybody makes me worry, I think that's what stopping me from progressing? through this, sorry my english isn't the best, but I try to explain myself anyway.

    In some sense it feels right to watch gayporn, but still feels really weird, like I shouldn't but I still want to lol, and I tried watching straight porn also a bit, but that makes me think too much and I can't go through with it, it's not that I feel guilt afterwards it's just this odd feeling, argh sorry if I get too private but I just have to get it out of my system so to speak, thanks in advance for understanding my confusing posts. :eusa_doh::icon_redf