It seems like all my mom wants to do is talk to me about her problems. For the last month all I've heard about is how she got dumped by the guy she was having an affair with. All she does complain about him and his new girlfriend. I'm sick and :***: tired of hearing about her issues, since I can barely manage my own right now. I've tried telling her that I can't deal with her problems right now, since I'm trying to get my own sorted out and that only results in us fighting and then not speaking for a few days. When I'm around her now I'm always tense since I just can't take hearing about how she's going to be alone forever and nobody likes her. I feel like she's supposed to help me with my problems, but my whole life she's basically wanted me to help her deal with her problems (especially those about my dad or money) and mine have been more or less ignored. Also, whenever I'm going somewhere (and we're on speaking terms) she always invites herself and gets really upset if I even hint that I want to go alone. Last year while I was at college, she would call at least twice a day and it drives me crazy, though all hell would break loose if I ever hinted at that. I'm not really sure what to do about this, since she is the one parent that I actually can stand to be around, my dad is a complete a:***:hole, but that's another story. I would like to improve my relationship with her, and get a bit more space, and try to get her to realize that she can't only ever talk about her problems, but I don't really know where to start. Any advice would be awesome and thanks for listening to me vent.
Although I don't know anything about your mom other than what you've posted here, from that, I have to say that it does sound as if you're right, she's a little too dependent on you. If you were older and self-sufficient, then leaning on you for support might be one thing, but if you're 18, and (I'm assuming) in your second year of college, then you might not be the best support system for her at this point. Now, that's not to say that she can't vent to you every once in a while (I know my parents vent to me about certain things, which is fine because I definitely return the favor :lol, but I don't know what you're supposed to do about problems with her ex (who is also your father) and her feelings of being undesirable. If confronting her directly isn't working, you might want to find someone else who can try getting across to her the idea that she should probably be looking for help elsewhere. Is there another family member, maybe a sibling of hers, that you could talk to? Do any of your friends have parents that are friends with your mom? Depending on where she works, and if you know anybody there, could you talk to someone she works with?
She's actually still married to my dad, she'd been having an affair, for about 3.5 years :bang: She doesn't work, we own an almond farm and live on it and work it, so that probably isn't helping her vent to others besides me. I know one of my friend's mom is good friends with my mom, so I could try to get her to talk to my mom. I know that my godmother has told her many times that she's too dependent on me and that didn't go over well. My mom is one those people who gets upsets when she's told what she needs to hear and not what she wants to hear, she'll pretty much shut down and end the conversation. If she only vented to me on occasion and listened to me when I need to vent, I'd be okay with it, but the one-sided constant venting is driving me crazy.:bang:
Oh - oops. I assumed the "affair" aspect was coming from the other end. Well, in all honesty this only highlights the issue more. You aren't the one who should be helping her with this. I would give your friend's mom a shot - be up front with her and tell her the situation. You can leave out the finer details if you think it's appropriate to do so, but I think it's a conversation that needs to be had. Have you talked to your godmother recently, or is this from a while ago? Does she know any specifics of the situation?
I talked to her a few weeks ago, but she's been telling my mom this for years, she brings it up to my mom every few months or so, she's mostly the one I vent to about my mom. I'm not sure if she knows about the affair or not, I try to stay out of that mess as much as I can, but she knows that my mom pretty much relies on me as a support system. I tried suggesting to my mom last week that she give counseling a shot, and if looks could kill I'd be dead, she was not too happy, I guess you can't help those who don't want to be helped.
Maybe not, but the more people you have supporting you, the better, or at least hopefully. And I don't blame you for wanting to stay out of the business surrounding the affair. Definitely not your territory.
The basic issue is what's called (and you won't like the term) "emotional incest." It's where a parent, unable to sustain a healthy relationship with her (usually her) spouse, turns to the male son and essentially turns him into a surrogate spouse. Not sexually, but emotionally. It's very unhealthy for both parties, but the common thing that happens is the son doesn't really realize what's going on, where you seem to have a good idea about what's happening and why it's problematic. The people that do this to their children basically have no boundaries. And people who have no boundaries HATE it when healthy people try to impose boundaries. That's why when other people confront her on it, she either gets angry or shuts down. So unfortunately, you're in the really difficult position of having to either take whatever support you can get and, along with it, a whole bunch of emotional abuse that you should not be subjected to... or set clear boundaries and take the heat that comes with doing so. What you might try is having a calm conversation with her and establishing the need for the boundaries. Not giving her a choice, but simply saying that you need them for your emotional health and well-being, and you're going to begin imposing them. She'll scream, cry, beg, threaten, and do every other trick she can think of in the book (and violate the boudaries you set every possible way she can.) But if you can, instead of getting angry, simply remain calm, stick to the boundaries, and deal with whatever she does, then eventually, what she will learn is that if she wants to have you in her life, she's going to have to learn to conform to your boundaries. This isn't something you solve in a week or a month; it will likely take 6 months or a year or more. A friend of mine close to your age has been going through this with his mother for a bit over a year and she's threatened to take away various financial support and other things, but he just calmly communicates with her and points out that what she's doing is an attempt at control, and if she continues, all it will do is further alienate him... and then she calms down and backs down from whatever threat she made. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with her. You're right that you deserve a parent who can be there to help and support you, but unfortunately, she's not on board with the plan. The only thing that might help you a bit is to realize that she really is doing the best she can with what she has to work with; undoubtedly she has very low self-esteem, a lot of shame, and is extremely insecure, and it's hard to reach people like that to get them to seek help. The only think you really can do is try and be compassionate in every communication, but at the same time, set clear and reasonable boundaries, and consequences for violating them, and then show her through your actions that she needs to play by these rules.
