Long-time Grudges

[BicuriousBoy]

So I have a nice little...past of holding onto grudges. But there's one specifically that I want to focus on.

So for those of you who have read my past posts you may, or may not, remember the party that my friend Gabby was having. But I'll recap. Gabby's parents were away so she decided to have a party. She's 18, remember. At this party there was drinking and the majority of people there were underage. One of these people was Darren, my crush/friend from work. I know he was drinking there, idiottttt, and I can't let that go. It's like whenever I see him, it's nagging at the back of my mind that he was drinking.

My main problem is that I can't deal with Gabby. We used to be able to talk. Now when I see her I'm just all disgusted. Like I honestly diverge my paths I take at work to NOT see her. How am I supposed to deal with her, or my whole long term grudge problems?

P.S. I only have three more days to see her, it's just starting to bither me because that may mean that I'd have to work with her.

[Mogget]

What about the party bothers you so much?

[BicuriousBoy]

1) Parents weren't home.

2) Plenty of people, including my friends, were drinking underage there.

[Lance]

I don't really think there's much of a reason to hold a deep grudge against her for something like that. Nobody forced the people at the party to drink, they did so willingly.

[Aldrick]

You can't take responsibility for the actions of other people. Unless you had something directly to do with everyone getting the booze, then it isn't your fault. Gabby made a poor decision, and you're wise to see the choices she made were mistakes. However, Gabby has to be prepared to own the consequences of her actions. The same goes for everyone else.

I'm not sure what exactly upset you about seeing everyone drink, but from my perspective I'd see it as a level of irresponsibility on her part as she could have senselessly put others in some form of jeopardy (legal and otherwise). Since the party likely included those who had recently received their licenses, I'd be shocked if some of them didn't drive home after drinking. This put people who weren't at the party in jeopardy as well.

So, did Gabby do something stupid? Yes. Holding a grudge is pointless though, because it's over and done with. If you have trouble moving on, consider expressing your thoughts and feelings about what happened with her.

[BicuriousBoy]

I guess the better word would be nagging feeling.

And you were right saying some of them didn't drive home. Gabby had all these people sleep over, like dafuqqq? Which always bugs me that people even most likely lied to their parents too, I'd be shocked to hear parents willing to have their 15 year old stay over at a random 18 year olds house.

If I work with her, it'll either be forced niceness or flat out honesty 'You make stupid decisions, I can't be friends with somebody like you.'

[Aldrick]

Ah, well at least she didn't let them drive. I'd say that's actually a plus in her column. Had she allowed any of them to drive, it would have made her much more irresponsible.

I think if you base your friendships off of who does and does not make stupid decisions, that you're going to find yourself very lonely. The sad truth is that the world is overflowing with stupid people who do stupid things. There are also some very smart people who frequently do stupid things. In fact, you'll find that everyone has a tendency - at least from time to time - to do stupid things.

Being fifteen, it might be hard to understand, but there will be a point in your not-to-distant future where you're going to look back and say to yourself, "Why the hell did I do that?" Everyone finds themselves in that position at some point, unless you're going to claim that you plan to make the perfect decision every time. (And anyone who believes they can is in for a disappointment. )

I suppose the bigger question here is... why do you care so much? Where does this nagging feeling come from?

[Lexington]

What happens in three days?

Lex

[BicuriousBoy]

I get that people do stupid things, I'm even a culprit just drinking underage bothers me so much.

I don't believe that I'll make oerfect decisions but I'll at least consider all the options first, and drinking underage and going to a party where the arent home is just bad. You have to remember that I live in a small town, things like this didn't help until Gab and her family moved in.

Part of the reason that I care so much was because Darren went and I had tried so had before to convince him not to, but I knew that I couldn't change his mind. And I guess the nagging feeling comes from the fact that whenever I go to fishing camp with my cousins this like weird, old dude offers me beer and I'm always just like no. Frankly I hate going anymore because of this dude.

@Lex She leaves for college, and it's in a dfferent state so she won't be working at all anymore.

[Aldrick]

Okay, a few things.

1. I'm glad you refuse the old guy's offer for a drink. Good job on that. Keep doing it. Is he offering it to you in some type of glass or something, or in an unopened can or bottle? Does he offer it to anyone else, and if so do they drink it?

2. The fact that Gabby is leaving in three days to a different state pretty much makes the issue with her moot. You're unlikely to have much to do with her in the future, except maybe through social media. My suggestion when it comes to dealing with her over the next few days is to smile and fake it.

3. It sounds like to me you're more angry at Darren, and you're blaming Gabby for Darren's actions. Because, after all, if she didn't have the party he wouldn't have went. Does Darren know that you're bisexual and that you have a crush on him? Is Darren bisexual / gay himself?

[curious99]

Oh brother...tune in next time....as the stomach churns......

[WooEEE]

That would be legal in Quebec and Alberta, and some other provinces in Canada, and only 1 year away from legal in the rest of the country. I don't see how you can be dissapointed in a law that isn't universal worldwide, drinking age is set by America years ago, when Christians were the majority, they would've outlawed it completely and they tried, so really do not take drinking as this big crime.

Quebec is a much better place to live than the majority of the states, and it would be completely legal there, so there really is no reason to hold a grudge. It's not like murder, something that is illegal in all countries. What your friend did is only illegal in your country and a few Islamic states were drinking is completely illegal.

Did you know America has the highest drinking age for the entire Western World, the majority is 18 and under.

Alcoholic rates are also the highest in America for the entire western world. Correlation there, maybe.

It isn't a crime to do what he did in the majority of countries on Earth, so don't let US laws define what is right or wrong, let the majority. Does your state allow gay marriage? Do you treat that law as a moral compass. No, American laws are morally corrupt in some areas, so there is no reason for this to be an issue. There are kids around the world just as conservative as you are, that wouldn't bat an eye at this issue because it is alcohol. If you enjoy it in moderation it is nothing, it helps you loosen up, and have a fun time, and for big time stiffs it's great. I don't drink a lot, but I do sometimes, and I also am not morally corrupt. I and many of the other people I know that drank at that age are probaly some of the nicest people you will ever meet. Yet you would hold a grudge because we drank, maybe that means your not that great a person if you hold others up to such high standards, we are all humans, you can't control other peoples actions. He wasn't trying to hurt you, and you are not his puppet master, he is entitled to do what he wants.

Yeah, I can't really follow what's going on here. Why are you even mad at these people? They didn't even directly do something against you.

You're irritated because they did something stupid. As Aldrick said, stupidity will always attack us now and then. It's basically impossible to NOT do something stupid.

Really, I don't understand why you should hold a grudge. It's fine to be very disappointed in people who do stupid things, but grudges are pretty unreasonable. They didn't do anything to you; why are you the one angry. Don't condemn her worth because she'll probably realize at some point in time what she did was stupid. Also because this is something that doesn't directly involve you anyways.

Sure, because she did this and you're aware of it, then it's ok to be uneasy around her. That's fine. I wouldn't exactly want to be friends with someone I knew if I realized they're going to indulge in stupid crap constantly. I'd be disappointed in them and almost pity them for not realizing what they're doing is dumb, but that's it.

It's fine to be disappointed and lose trust/value in your friendship. It's fine to set boundaries with people when you begin to lose trust or become uneasy with them after constant crap happening to them. But holding a grudge doesn't really fit in this situation, I don't think.