Here is my long and winding story about how I got here today. I dated my boyfriend for 8 years and was always very happy, he was my best friend, we lived together, had two cats, got along great and I always saw my future as him and I married with kids, and always considered myself lucky.... Then one night I was out and I definitely had too much to drink, but still was aware of my actions. I ended up making out with another girl who was 21, I am 30. I had never kissed a girl before or really thought I would, b/c I mean I found the one, it never crossed my mind. I stressed for a week and realized it was just a mistake and told my boyfriend who was just happy I was honest and life went on. Or so I thought, I couldn't stop thinking about it and how amazing it was, how different, how insanely natural it was. I was never very sexual with my boyfriend but after 8 years and really different schedules I never considered it abnormal. But when I made out with her, it was incredibly different, I wanted to do it again. Because of how I felt I kept thinking oh shit, what if I'm a lesbian, I mean I've thought about it, but never lingered on the thought or actually thought that could be me. After that night things went down hill, I began drinking heavily and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to know and I needed to figure it out, and I made out with another girl who I wasn't attracted to just to see if what I was feeling was real. (Yes I told my BF again about this) and I didn't feel exactly the same, but I still liked it. But, I still at that time loved my BF, I tried to hard to just forget about it and just push it away but I couldn't. Which brings me to our breakup. I didn't want to break up, but I knew it was going to happen again, and 100% with a woman, I had no desire to hook up with another man. I knew that I had no choice and it was the most heartbreaking feeling in the world. I often blame myself everyday for that first night, had it just not happened. Today, I am actually in a relationship with a woman, and we began dating pretty soon after my breakup. Things were great at first I was happy, it was new and fun and I didn't think about everything that came with being a lesbian. All I know, is that I don't want to be a lesbian and I want to have the life that I thought I was going to, but I think I know deep down I'm probably gay and I don't want to be. I want to take it all back and go back to my normal life. I love my GF and she's amazing, but my dream wasn't to marry a woman and never have kids and be judged. I don't want that. I know I will end up hurting her because of this, but the life I had I could have been fine with had I just not made out with that girl. It's like once I did it I couldn't stop and I can't accept I was that self unaware. The only thing I do know is that physically being with a woman is much more natural and enjoyable for me, but socially and in terms of my life I would prefer to be with a man....and I know that's not possible. Now I'm just at the point where I think I should be alone and I refuse to do things like move on and accept that I will marry a woman or have kids with one. I want to marry him in front of people who accept me and have kids that have both of our traits and now I feel like I will never ever have that. Sometimes I hate myself for how things played out, I can't take them back, but I can't forgive myself. I love my GF, but I'm not sure it will be enough to move any further with her and it will absolutely break her heart. Please help, I feel so alone b/c I'm coming from a relationship I was happy in to one that makes me happy but that doesn't sit with me mentally, I don't understand how I am supposed to figure this out and move on, or not move on... Please help....
Hey unicorn14! Welcome to EC. :smilewave You'd be amazed at how common your story is, I encourage you to go over to this thread and read it. His story is so similar to your own. Don't hate yourself. What you're dealing with, I believe, is the process of self-acceptance. It's a point where you're coming out to yourself, and virtually every gay person goes through it. Justinf's thread that I linked to has a story very similar to your own. I once again encourage you to read it.
Thank you! What an amazing story. For me, I wish I had that optimism. I miss my BF everyday, every second, I just wish he could make me feel how she does. Life would be so much easier. I really did love him, and maybe I'm bargaining with myself, I don't know. I just know that I am unwilling to truly move on b/c to me that means admitting I'm gay.
Hey Unicorn, Wow, I can relate so well to pretty much everything you say. It's like I wrote it myself, I even got a little upset while reading it, felt what I felt when I was in that position you're in now. I know how hard it is knowing that you can't go on anymore with the person you thought was the one. But you did the right thing. I knew right from the moment we broke up that it was the right thing, but that didn't mean it was easy. I still thought about my girlfriend so much after things were over. But staying in a relationship that you know is not gonna end well, because you'll end up hurting that person, that's the worse thing you could've done. About blaming everything on that night, on that single kiss, I did the exact same thing too. Hell, I still do it. I still ask myself what if we never kissed, would I really be gay now, too? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be. Or at least I wouldn't know it, and I wouldn't be missing out on anything because I was perfectly happy with my girlfriend. Of course now, knowing who I really am, looking back I know that it really wasn't as good as being with a guy. But I didn't know any of that before the kiss. I wouldn't have missed anything. But do I regret it? No, definitely not. I did while I was still in that process you're in now, but now that I am relatively OK with myself, I would never have done this any other way. It is totally worth it, I promise you, no matter how hard and miserable things may seem right now. Would I rather be straight? Yeah, of course. It's all so much easier that way. But I'm not. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. And neither can you. You can either face it all, and feel miserable for a while, but then come out of it much happier than you can probably imagine right now, OR you can deny it all, choose to run away from it, and keep having those feelings that tear you apart. I know that there's no way I can convince you without a doubt that that kiss made you realize something that is gonna be for the best, all I can do is try to. I'll also tell you that you should consider yourself lucky you have a girlfriend who will help you through all this, just as I was (and am ) that I had a boyfriend for me to do that. She's gonna be the reason that you're gonna have to face what you're feeling, and when you get through it, she'll most likely still be there and you will live a very happy life together. If you ever wanna talk, my wall is always open and I'd love to talk and hopefully help someone who's going through the same thing I went/go through. Justin.
Hey Justin, I really appreciate the response, I will definitely come to you when I have things to work through. I just posted the beginnings of an open letter that I hope to make public one day. It's rough now, but it will be beneficial to me and I hope to someone else one day. I'd love to know your thoughts and what things you can relate to. Hugs, SS
It's completely normal to have these kinds of feelings when you are first coming out to yourself. It can be very hard. Right now, you know you are gay, but you don't want to be. It's only the second part that you can change. So, that's what you need to work on. It's okay to grieve over not being able to have shared biological children with your partner, and over the idea of yourself as a straight person. You can read more about the grieving process in Stages of Grief. There's information in there about how we grieve while we are coming out to ourselves, and how our families grieve when we come out to them. You'll get through this time, and in the end you'll be happier with a woman than you ever could have been with a man. It's okay if it takes some time, and you aren't there right away.
Thanks for posting your story and your doubts. It takes courage. We are all here in this together on EC and I know you will come through this stronger than ever! I don't even want to think what life would be like at this stage in my life without EC.
I went through a similar phase, too. I was so angry that I'd lost my safe straight places where I could be with my close girlfriends, desire free. I felt like I'd lost too much, and gained very little. But you have gained the ability to feel full sexual love as well as emotional love, and that's worth getting through all these stages for.
