I recently just moved to Charlotte after living in Kernersville NC for 5 yrs. Even in the Greensboro area I have only made like 3-4 friends. I used to weigh 255 plbs at my most when in NY and lost to about 155 my first year in North Carolina. I then became diabetic and found out I have a rare illness called Mitochondrial disease. Originally I wasn't going to move to NC but my boyfriend died in a car accident and so I just moved with my parents and didn't come out until much later that year. This past year I almost died from an infection and I gained a lot of weight back due to recovering in the hospital- reaching now 192 plbs; in which I promised myself I would never be 200plbs ever again. I have then been dieting and going to the gym-ending in very little results. I then found out I have Borderline Personality disorder and seeing a therapist is useless- have been to 5 and it doesn't work. I have been trying to get a job for the past 3 yrs and ended in 0 results; not even an interview. I have not been to school since I don't have ambition and still don't know what I want to do. I feel useless and that I'm can't do anything right. I constantly fail at everything I do and generally people stay away from me. I just feel rejected by people, and life in general. All I have in my core is love; but it looks like this world is just too much for me. I now just constantly think of suicide; My reasons for living is literally at 0%. I resent my parents for saving my life by bringing me to the hospital- I wish that I would have just died then. I feel ugly, fat, and that I cannot connect to anyone anymore. What else is there besides killing myself if I can't even support myself in any form- emotionally or financially ?
Live for yourself? What I mean is, your motivation to keep living is to make better of yourself, despite your illness. I don't think it's impossible. Once you figure out what you want to be/do, maybe go back to school. It's never too late.
Hi drazdan - it sounds like you've been through a lot, but even if you feel like you can't support yourself, it's still worth working in that direction. Where do you find your emotional and financial support now? If anyone is providing them, there must be people who care about you. Do you think it would be possible to focus on one issue for now? If you could fix one thing happening in your life right now, what would it be?
