Its been two years and i've made no progress at all. What am i doing wrong?

[TheKidWhoRuns]

Around two years ago (i was 17) after much internal conflict i finally acknowledged that i was not straight. This was a huge ephiphany however after this revelation all i felt was fear and shame. Fast forward two years, i am leaving for college in a couple days and i still feel just as much shame and fear as i did 2 years ago. In 2 years of acknowledging my sexuality i have made 0 progress. I feel although basically every aspect of my life has gotten better (i've become more ougoing, athletic, and even better looking due to a medically needed facial surgery) my sexuality (and negativity associated with it) has stayed the same. What can i do to finally move on with my life? I'm sick of beating up myself everyday over this, i just want it to stop. Seriously, i'm even insecure about posting on here, and i should'nt be.. it's the anonymous internet! Also, since i am insecure about myself i have not told anyone about my struggle (also i am a person who dose't really like to talk about their feelings or let others into my personal business a lot). Hopefully you can process something out of this semi-coherant rant and give me some advice as how to finally move on. I'm definitely ready to.

Much Appreciation

[Gravity]

Originally Posted by TheKidWhoRuns

I feel although basically every aspect of my life has gotten better (i've become more ougoing, athletic, and even better looking due to a medically needed facial surgery) my sexuality (and negativity associated with it) has stayed the same.

To begin with, it sounds like you have made some personal progress since acknowledging that you aren't straight - just because these things haven't gotten you a significant other and you're not wearing rainbow shirts doesn't mean you haven't made progress. In fact, becoming more outgoing is pretty common after people accept themselves and/or come out. So the progress you have made - and accepting yourself *is* progress - does seem to have affected you.

Originally Posted by TheKidWhoRuns

Also, since i am insecure about myself i have not told anyone about my struggle (also i am a person who dose't really like to talk about their feelings or let others into my personal business a lot).

If you're looking for the next step, talking to someone might be it. Have you had opportunities to talk to people and/or come out before? If not, then going to college might give you a good opportunity to tell people about who you are. The difference it can make is pretty surprising. And quite frankly, if you haven't had anyone to talk to up to this point, then I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over feeling like you haven't made much progress.

[TheKidWhoRuns]

Thanks for the advice.
No i havent really had an opportune time to talk to anyone, although i am very close to my friends and family the thought of telling them scares me a bit (especially my friends, i live in a small town and most of my friends seem at least a little homophobic; but then again i could be wrong.) Also no one has ever mentioned it or brought it up as i suspect that few people, if anyone, has any idea about it.

[csm123]

Hi,I can truly feel your struggle at the moment,you know that you are gay but you dont want anyone else to know because there is no going back once you come out.Adding to the confusion is another little voice telling you that you should be moving forward with life and coming out.Even more stuggling with all the fear of rejection if you come out.

Well that was me a few years ago,from my own expierience i can say that the little voice telling you to come out and move forward will get louder and stronger and somehow seem to dispell alot of your fears about coming out.You sound like you are getting urges to move on and im quite sure that you will soon be at a point where you are ready to confide in someone.

Have you ever thought about being fairly open when you go to college?This could be a great way to gain alot of confidence,making coming out at home alot easier.Coming out to strangers at college is easy,even if you find it difficult to say im gay,you only have to casualy mention looking for a boyfriend,if anyone asks if your gay, just say yes.Basicaly just dont make a big deal about it and keep confident when telling them and it should be a non issue.If you could pull it off and come out at college,you will soon WANT to come out back home because you will see what a non issue it is with almost everyone.

Good look with this but remeber that you are coming out for YOU and your wellbeing,not to please your friends and family.

[Markio]

I didn't even figure out I was gay until I started college! The best person that I talked to about my sexuality was a psychological counselor, as my college had a counseling center for students. Best thing I've ever done in my life ever! I highly recommend talking to one, especially if you don't have really close friends to talk to.

I had a close friend to talk to, but she didn't really know how to help me even though she wanted to. A professional counselor can help deconstruct the trouble you could be having with feeling like you've made no progress, or why coming out seems difficult. Plus it's guaranteed to be confidential, so long as you don't intend to harm yourself or others.

[Jim1454]

At a minimum - keep posting here. I see you've made 9 posts. Keep it up. The more you hang out here, the more you'll see that gay people can lead happy, healthy, well adjusted lives. Keep talking about how you're feeling here, and that will help prepare you for coming out in real life.

I would also say that if you're off to college (way to go!) that you should look into counselling when you get there. Many people have taken advantage of that and it has helped them a lot. I think it's a natural point in your life to take steps to deal with your orientation. I think you'll find a lot of support in the university environment - especially if you're coming from a small town.

Good luck!