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About Me, and In Need of Some Advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by The Spark, Aug 22, 2012.

  1. The Spark

    Full Member

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    !!The part where I really need advice is underneath the line I've created down below a bit. Reading the long, drawn out majority that is my past is, of course, totally unnecessary, unless you really want to...!!

    I know people have posted things related to this time and time again, but though I've gone through so many dozens of threads looking for.. Ugh, I don't even know what... Nothing seems to quite be what I'm trying to find, and I think even just typing everything out will clear things up for me.

    When I was in elementary school, I always had crushes on guys. I know, it was just grade school, making it silly, but still; never once did I consider an attraction towards a fellow girl. I grew up knowing much about homosexuality too, so it wasn't just naivety getting in the way of my true feelings. Then, in fourth grade, I had a dream that my female friend, Delaney, asked me to be her girlfriend. When I woke up and remembered it, I felt immediately nauseous. Thinking about the dream, or even her, literally made me sick to my stomach. At school, she would try to talk to me, but I would just look down, and mumble incoherent, jumbled words. From 4th grade to around 8th grade, I was pretty certain I was just homophobic - exclusively towards lesbians, though. Sometimes, a similar dream would pop up about other girls, though infrequently, causing the same response.

    In early 8th grade, I managed to stop the feelings of dread around people on tv and in my dreams concerning lesbianism. I was pretty neutral on the whole subject. Thenn my freshman year came along. I started recognizing girls in a totally different light, seeing how beautiful they were, and suddenly I began developing subtle feelings for women I liked in movies and tv shows. I quickly set them aside though, it felt to strange to accept.

    The summer before 9th grade I got my first boyfriend. Up until the relationship legitimately started, I was certain I had strong feelings for him. Then, the first few times he tried to kiss me, I shied away from it, and felt extremely awkward. This feeling dwindled a bit, and at times when we made out I definitely felt something. Then, two months in, I stopped liking him completely. I really just didn't want anything to do with him, and I wasn't attracted to him anymore.

    In 9th grade, and especially this summer (I'm going to be a sophomore tomorrow, craazy stuff, right? Hehe) I have embraced the fact that I'm not straight. Whether this is subject to change, I'm unsure. I do know that every night and morning, I fantasize kissing other girls (though never anything beyond that. I don't know yet if I'd ever be able to have sex with a girl, but this feeling has all been slowly deteriorating; I'll admit the idea has ever so slightly been growing on me.) I've also had recurring dreams about kissing women, and when I wake up, I feel the exact opposite of sick, it actually feels amazing, just remembering the dream, and trying to put myself back into that situation in my mind.. Even something as far-off as a dream feels tons better than kissing the boyfriend I had before..

    There was a season of a tv show that occasionally showed interaction between a female-female couple this summer, and I'd replay those interactions over and over.

    During all of this, I'd been experiencing depression associated with my parents' severe alcohol addiction, and domestic violence issues concerning my step-dad. I'm not going to go into it, but because of his behavior, I now see all men as emotionless, careless beings. Obviously this isn't true, but I can't help feeling that way. I believe this feeling may have been what shifted my attraction towards men and women, but I'm uncertain...

    And then sometimes, thinking about having sex seems totally okay too, though I don't see myself ever fully building a relationship with a guy.

    I still have no idea what to label myself as, although I know labels don't matter, and I should be able to figure all of this out in time.
    __________________________________________________________________________

    And now, the part I actually need advice on. (If you read all of that above, bravo to you! Haha.)

    I live in an incredibly small town, with little over 6000 people. It's also super religious (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just know it can cause some problems for those in the LGBT community), and I know for sure many people are completely against any form of homosexuality. Also, based on what I've seen, there an nearly no non-straight people. I think one girl miigght be gay, another maaaay be bi, and then one guy people just assume is gay. Then there's me, who is just confused, but definitely has a thing for the same sex. So, even if I were to tell people that I'm gay or bi, or whatever, I highly doubt it would open any doors for me in terms of a relationship, which I'm honestly reeally craving right now.
    And then, last year, a friend of mine told my group and myself that while on an overnight tennis trip, the girl I mentioned earlier that might be bi got a little touchy on the hotel bed at bedtime (like, leg-rubbing or something like that) and that she at one point admitted to being bi. (I have no interest in her though, simply because she, in my experience, has proved to be less than a good or interesting person.) All of my friends agreed to how wrong that was and how they were going to cease talking to her, because she's gross for being bi ("ew" was a prevalent reply when my friend told them the story). Thus, I'm fairly certain that telling any of my friends would make me an immediate outcast. However, holding this inside is really difficult.. I really feel like I need to tell a friend. And so, what should I do? Keep letting this eat me up inside and hold out for college, or take a big risk?
     
  2. Nocturnal

    Nocturnal Guest

    I'm gonna be a sophomore too. xD

    & If they're really your friends, at least one of them should be accepting because she would want your friendship. If she thinks that your friendship is disposable, then I don't think she's a real friend at all. I don't know what you should do. If you took the risk, you could be more alone than ever. Maybe befriend that girl from the tennis trip?

    If you want, you can tell the wonderful people here on EC. :slight_smile:
     
  3. The Spark

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    Nice!

    You're right, but I'm still pretty sure the friendship would change just because of the way they feel about homosexuality in general. I guess I have my answer then.. College is just three years away anyway, no big deeal.. Eheh. And I would make friends with the tennis trip girl, but like I said, as a person, I just don't much care for her.

    That's partially what I'm hear for! And thanks for your reply =)
     
  4. Nocturnal

    Nocturnal Guest

    Good luck with everything. ^. ^
    As for me, I'm not worrying a lot about college. I'm fairly certain that whenever I decide what I want to do, no one is gonna stop me from achieving it. No matter how long it takes.

    Maybe she'll surprise you. :slight_smile: there's more than meets the eye.
     
  5. BBird75

    Regular Member

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    See how you feel after talking to people on EC. Once you've discussed it here, you might find that's enough for now, in terms of being open and sharing about yourself. If you can deal with staying 'in the closet' among your friends for now, then coming out at college in (hopefully!) a more accepting crowd, then you might feel stronger about telling your current friends, as you'll know you have other friends you can fall back on if people reject you.

    What Nocturnal said ought to be true - about at least one of them accepting you and still wanting your friendship. But only you can be the judge of that, as you know them and we don't. For me, I'm biding my time over coming out (Yes, you could call it procrastinating!!, but my situation's complicated!)... and I've found that sharing on EC has made a massive difference to how I feel about things.

    Whatever you decide, tell people here - it's a distant, virtual community, but a caring one, too!! :slight_smile: