Hello. This is my first post and forgive me if I misspelled somthing since am not english. Iam 32, Iam in relationship for 10 years with a woman, have a pretty active social life, have a rock band, doing great, looking great, people respect me. I found out that Iam gay some time ago and now Iam going thrue period when its hard to combine my previos life with what I know of me now. Guilt, shame. Since Iam merried and have great relationship with my wife (who by the way had homosexual relationship in highschool) in every aspect – we trust each other very much and have... how to put it... great sexual life and sexualy open relationship. We do swinging time to time. It is now we know that our enhanced sexual life is because we are both gay and we just rised the intencity of sexual play to fulfill the emptyness of not having relationship with right gender. So I was so sure that I am having a great colorfull life. But now its like Iam between two worlds – old fake one and new where I know I like guy more then girls. Actually I feel that I like guys more then I am telling myself I just am ashamed of that. Because of our open relationship, my wife accepted my „new” sexuality and doesnt mind that I have some adventures with guys and as she have with girls. But there is a problem. I am so afraid of intimacy with men. I know that after couple of drinks it might get easer but any way its not ok for me. I know that Iam still homofobic towards myself, I blame myself for wanting it. But I cant figure out how to overcome this. I tryed watch some gay porn but its not working for me. I feel shame. Little bacground how I came out to me. First gay relationship I had at 13. We were friends who as my parents used to say spend to much time together. Some day it came to the point were one of us wanted somthing sexual and I just freaked out. Freaked out for 20 years and buried it very deep. Teenage years was depression, fighting, later drinking and fighting... total sociapath, until I met my wife. Only thing that helped not to let my life down was music and her. Now days I met a guy.. He is nice young guy whith whom I hanged out everytme we met in the bar. Actually it was he who always came to me wanting to talk. I can say now that we were attracted to each other since day one – same hobbies, same way of thinking. Nevermind that after couple of beers he always wanted to touch me, talked very closly to my ear that I sometimes felt hes nose touching me. I thought that hes just very nice. Then came the day I just felt that I want to kiss him. I dint realise what it was at that time. I told to myself its because Iam drunk and I am bored and its a stupid idea. So some time later when we where hanging out it just happened. I said to him I never kissed a guy and want to try it out. Hes looked at me and said „ok”... I kissed him like I never did before with girls. I was literally drinking him. Something interrupted us and it stopped. Next day only thing I could think of was him and that kiss. Despite that I didnt realise whats going on. I told my wife whole story and described how great it was, how great guy he is, how great it felt, how I want to meet him as soon as possible... She looked at me for a while... „You are in love with him.” I said What? No! What?! I am not like that, we were drunk and just fooling around”. It took me some time to understand that nothing will ever be like before, that I love him... that I am bisexual. Yeah, I was still trying to put one feet on heterosexual ground for safty. When I finally got it that I am gay, I went to him and tald about my feelings towards him. So he was first who I came out to exept my wife. I sure was hoping that we will be more then friends. Well, it didnt work out. He denied everything, that it was just fun, hes not gay and so on. Since then he looks depressed, he behaves like depressed, tryes not to look at me, trys to avoid talking to me... I know hes afraid of being what he is so Iam not angry at him for hurting me. I understand that Iam in love and its mostly hard because of that, but the fact that guy with whom I realised who I am denies me is pushing me back in to the closet. Since I had to hide my feellings towards him, I was unconsciously (like I am used to all my life) denying that Iam gay and it was so much pressure. Now it like that. Since me and my wife nows who we are and we dont mind to have fun with other people, I know that I want to be with a guy. But I feel shame. I had sexal fantasies about me and my first guy, but it was mostly soft core if you know what I meen. When you love someone you dont need any stimulation to feel desire for that person.Yeas, I still have feelings for him, but its getting easier as time passes. So maybe anyone have some advice? Thanks.
Let go of feeling homophobic to yourself & accept it. I could be wrong but maybe your guy friend might be overwhelmed by what you admitted to him. OR, he is confused with himself & does not know what to do.
Wow you've got a great story out there I'm not trying to give you advice or anything but it wouldn't be too bad to share my thoughts with you. First thing, why ashamed? this is not a rhetorical question, but I'm really asking if you've tried hard to analyze the reason behind this sense of shame described at least in your post 'cause you don't seem to have mentioned it if you have. For me, I feel like a couple factors are working to build that sense of shame in you. First is of course your previous relationship with that guy as a teenager. Interestingly(?) why you freaked out at his sexual implication isn't mentioned. Maybe it just shows how deep-rooted homophobic norms are inscribed in your mind by your cultural background. It might have been deepend after that experience, recognizable especially from your reaction to your wife's suggestion about you falling in love with the guy at the bar. I'm sorry about that.. And also interestingly, you seemed not too bad at the bar when you were kissing that guy, right? At least your post shows so. But the problem is, after that guy's denial about any homosexual inclination he might have, you seem to have got ashamed. To think simply, that's more about getting ashamed at rejection rather than ashamed at being intimate with guys, if you know what I mean. Just imagine how it'd have turned out if that guy was being truly honest with your confession about having feelings for him, you see? So I think, really, the main thing is to work on the delicate relationship with the guy at the bar, you know. Of course you do have deep-rooted homophobic norms in your mind, true, but that I'd say, don't make a big deal out of that. What I mean is if you can work on a relation with a guy alright, then you'd slowly get "healed" you know, about all the traumatized memories about a gay relationship or worries about how others'd view you having a relationship with a guy. You know that, sense of shame comes from how YOU feel about how you're seen by others not from how actually others see you. As long as you are deep in love with someone, you might be too busy worrying about how others see you, if you know what I mean? So about that guy, I think he was kinda echoing the same reaction you had towards that teenage friend who implied something sexual to you so that you freaked out? Am I wrong? So, basically you might want to try to first think of that experience again though it might be painful, so that you could learn from that. Basically I feel like you might want to try approach him in a more delicate way, if you know what I mean. I know you might want to confess all your feelings to him because those are really hugggeee but for him it might feel like a burden. So I'd say keep it down, and take it easy. Also, don't try to give up so easily, too 'cause you haven't yet tried your best, and plus that guy indeed sounds like a good one. Greeeaaaaatt Luck. * oh last thing, since you said something about English, if there's anything that doesn't seem clear, please feel free to ask for further clarification. English is not my first language either by the way!
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this site! I can certainly understand how you're feeling. I was married for 9 years to a woman when I came to realize that I was gay. It is a very complex situation... Is it possible for you to work with a counsellor or therapist - who could help you work through what you are feeling and what you are uncomfortable with? I assume the country you live in isn't as accepting of gays as maybe where I live in Canada. That is going to affect how you think about gays - and yourself if you're gay. That's natural. I wouldn't recommend trying to make something work with the other guy at the bar. He isn't in the same place you are in - and you can't force him to catch up. Just like you weren't prepared as a kid to fool around with your childhood friend - he's not ready to admit to himself or anyone else that he might have feelings for you. I know what will hurt, but trying to bring him along on your journey might just slow you down and make your journey more complicated - if that makes sense. Good luck! And again - welcome!
Shame is what I feel too. My sexuality is very important to me. Sex is very important to me. I come out a little each day, but after many years I still feel shame. I'm a bottom, what we call a pasivo in Mexico. I feel awkward trying to find sex partners. I fear disapproval and rejection. I don't understand how a top or an activo thinks. I don't know why anybody would like that? I only like to bottom. I'm trying to express interest in doggy and greek openly and hoping that might be a way to find sex partners. You know, that once the topic comes up the guy might mention he enjoys topping. I still have a hard time with this. I got drunk and had sex with a woman last night. I do this often and I hate myself for doing it. It always turns out poorly.
