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Shallow Boyfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by itsaldo, Aug 23, 2012.

  1. itsaldo

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    I love my boyfriend and he loves me. We are planning to move in together in a couple of months we have had a lot of ups and down along the way, we are in a long distance relationship i'm about to change my life, leave my parents who i just came out and they are not talking to me currently and change my future

    However, I think that I should consider everything about him before taking these huge steps. There is something that bothers me a lot about him, and I want your opinion about this. He thinks the looks are very important he told me that he would rather me to be fit than romantic and a nice boyfriend . I think i have a low self esteem because sometimes i don't feel comfortable the way i look, he wants me to go to the gym periodically so I make it a routine and that way my body is always fit. Almost the first year of our relationship I didn't go to the gym, now I am trying but sometimes I can't because I am in my job and i don't get enough sleep , but he always pushes me to go, even if I have to go to work he wants me to go every day . He says I should see the gym as an obligation to keep him by my side because i should stay nice and fit for him, as if it was my job. I do not know if this is right or not. He is always saying "Oh you should look like this boy", "Oh look at that boys arms". It has always been my dream to be with someone with a really tone and fit body,"OMG look he is so cute and he goes to the gym", and i tell him how i feel but he says "Then do what you want but don't come around saying you are hurt by those comments".

    He is the kind of person that wants more like on his facebook photos or has facebook fans telling him how cute he is, he made up a fake boy that was after him just to make me jealous and he told me once "he wants be to be with him because at least he does something to see me happy and wants me to be with him" but then he told me it was all a fake and he made it up for me to be aware that i need to keep up with my gym work and to make me jealous he says this are "tactics" that he use.

    I understand that most couples have to satisfy themselves like he says in order to maintain a healthy relationship and to keep each other happy like he says but i never ask him for anything and i just want him to LOVE me . He is fit, he does exercise almost everyday because he doesn't have a job and just watches TV, and he sees it as an obligation, everytime he cries or he feels bad i'm telling him that he is perfect the way he is and perfect to me but he says he does it for himself even though i tell him i love him. I don't know if this will be something that would damage our relationship in the future because I do not love the gym like he does and I am not as fit as he is and i also tell him that i don't want to live the rest of my life like if it was a competition with myself and he says that that aspect is very important to him but i just keep asking him that why is he with me? and he says that he loves me but i don't keep up in my promises and that i disappoint him in the 80% of the aspects i should when i do everything the way he says i send him money, i help him to pay his family bills instead of paying my own, bought us tickets to madonna's concert and plane tickets too as a detail, delete my facebook friends, search for jobs in his city, and i do all of that because i LOVE him and i try to keep up everything like he wants but it just not seems enough for him, he once tell me "In a person i honestly believe that the looks are more important than feelings".

    I just feel like he is the only thing i have since my family hates me because i just came out and he is like my escape door because i really love him and i want to be with him but sometimes i wonder what can i do? im so desperate in this situation and i don't want to make a big mistake before taking things too seriously that i go with him on my own and he gets disappointed of me and my body or the way i look and he seeks someone else's company. Please give me some opinion.
     
    #1 itsaldo, Aug 23, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2012
  2. lwp08reh

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    He sounds like a bell-end (no offence to you). The first word that comes to mind is indeed 'shallow'. Unless you are as obsessed and dedicated to gym and fitness as he is, you'll end up feeling inferior where one party is constantly trying to appease the other.

    Be with someone that makes you feel comfortable, both with your emotions and your body.
     
  3. Filip

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    Okay, I don't like to give people a definite answer about what to do or not to do.
    But... let's look at how this relationship is working.

    Your part:
    - You need to stay fit for him
    - You need to stay available at all times and cut ties with friends for him
    - You need to pay his bills.
    - All fun things are at your expense
    - You need to obey him in all things

    His part:
    - Telling you he loves you
    - Being pretty open about using "tactics" like inventing fake other boyfriends to keep you in line.
    - Threatening to dump you if you don't do what he wants
    - Suggesting you're not good enough anyway

    I may have little experience with relationships myself, but... to me it seems like you're essentially his slave. with the added bonus that in this case, the slave is actually paying for the pleasure of being a slave.

    Don't get me wrong: a relationship is about sometimes asking things. But when they say it's "give and take", it doesn't mean "one side gives, the other side takes".

    And sure, he's probably perfectly friendly and pleasant as long as you do what he wants. But everyone is easygoing when things go their way. I'm pretty sure that, too, is a tactic, however.


    So I really do think you might want to ponder not moving in with this guy. I'd even strongly urge you to think about whether you don't just want to cut contact. Because if this is how the relationship is starting, then the only way I can see this going is that he'll make more and more demands, and become more and more abusive if you don't do what he says.

    And even if things with your family are tough, it's still better than being abused like that.
     
  4. TroubledRyan

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    The relationship seems extremly one sided. I don't see how you can put yourself through all of that. he said he was disappointed with you 80% of the time? I think it would be miserable to have to live with someone who looked down on me like that.

    From what you described he seems really physical, almost like the one night stand kind of guy. Obviously I do not know if that statement is compeltly true. He can just have really high physical attractions, and want to spend his life with someone like that. However emotions and feelings are really important in a long term relationship, which he seems to look down on.

    Has your family actually said they hated you? Or did they just stop talking? If they only stoped talking it may be because they just do not know how to handle/respond to it. It isn't every day they find out their son is gay, and some parents handle it differently. I wish you luck on this.

    Now for my personal opinion, I wouldn't move in with this guy. I would hate for him to be an asshole and you guys break up a few weeks after you move in with him. He seems to use and control you, and that just isn't healthy - nothing you need to put yourself through. I hope you can work things out with your family, and do what feels right to you.
     
  5. itsaldo

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    Its been almost a year since we have been together and it's been a long story with my parents from death threats to suicide attempts, but i think they are making progress.I'm just afraid i might never be happy if i left him or nobody would accept me as i am, since im romantic and want a stable relationship and be happy but it seems so hard along the way. I feel like it is a roller coaster because sometimes i'm ok and i wanna be with him but my family hates me and sometimes i just wanna get my life back in track to my own priorities but it seems so hard because i dont want to hurt him and i want the best for him, it is so hard.

    What to do when your boyfriend always wants you to be better comparing you with dreamy guys who you just don't know they are real , i just want him to love him and be my life partner :frowning2: this makes me feel like im not even worthy and that if he doesn't want to be with me then nobody would want to.
     
    #5 itsaldo, Aug 23, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2012
  6. Filip

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    Honestly... you're a guy who's thoughtful, unselfish, and serious about relationships.
    He's a guy who does next to nothing, and still insists you awe him everything.
    You want a loving and caring guy
    He wants a hot body in bed, who also cleans his house and buys him stuff.

    I feel utterly confident in saying you deserve better. And you're worth better. It's him that's not worth you. And I think you will find better if you look elsewhere.

    And if anything, the best for him is probably to learn that he can't just get everything by manipulating people. He will not be happy about that (hey, we all want our birthday 365 days a year), but I think it's healthiest for him too.
     
  7. itsaldo

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    Thanks Filip, im talking to him and he says that he doesn't like me anymore that he is always taking care of himself because he loves me and that i don't have a complain about his body but being honest i don't love him for his body, he just says everything would be perfect if i "Cover the Empty space" with that request he has given me. He tells me he loves me but that he was always been this way that he has listened to people say "take care of yourselves or your husbands will be watching other girls", when i say i love him no matter what and besides yes i am afraid of what he's saying. And i wonder if he really does why is he with me? :frowning2: he says because he loves me but i need to keep him satisfied and im so afraid that i would never be able to satisfy someone else. I wish i had a six million dollar body but i can't and that is driving me crazy
     
  8. Owen

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    I'm not good with subtlety or softly wording things, so let me be blunt.

    Your boyfriend is a self-centered prick. Your boyfriend's behavior is the worst kind of behavior one can exhibit in a relationship short of being abusive. You deserve better. And you WILL find better if you get away from him.

    You say he's an escape door from your family. All you'd be escaping from is the fact that they say they hate you. Your boyfriend is saying he doesn't care about you with everything but his words, and his actions speak far louder than words.

    You say you're worried no one will accept you for who you are. If you stay with your boyfriend, you are guaranteeing that you will be with someone who will never accept you for who you are. (He already doesn't, which is why he keeps pressuring you to work out.) If you break off this relationship, at least you'll stand a chance of finding someone who will accept you for who you are. A chance is a hell of a lot better than no chance at all.

    You've been putting in massive amounts of time, energy, and (from the sound of things) money into this relationship, and what have you been getting out of it? A guy who says he loves you. Talk is cheap, and all of his actions say, "I don't actually love you, I'm just using you."

    You deserve way better than that, but you can only find better than that if you break off this relationship.

    You say you don't want to hurt him and you want the best for him. Frankly, he's done nothing to deserve that kind of compassion, but disregarding that, there come times in our lives where we have to be selfish. All things need to be taken in moderation, and that includes concern for others. Right now, you're in a relationship where you are giving and giving and he is taking and taking. This is not how a healthy relationship works. This is not how the average relationship works. From the sound of things, you are gaining nothing from this relationship, and it doesn't have to be that way. Most relationships aren't that way.

    This is a time when you need to be selfish. This is a time when you need to do something that you fear might hurt your boyfriend. He is being selfish, manipulative, and overly demanding; these are not traits you need to humor, and certainly not traits you need to put up with.

    If you were to pick a single guy out of a crowd, I can guarantee you that 95% of them would be less demanding than this guy. From the sound of how hard you've been working to satisfy his beyond unreasonable demands, you can definitely satisfy a more reasonable person.

    I think you know in your gut what you need to do. And again, I'm not good with subtleties, so I can only say this: Do it. Break up with this guy; you WILL find someone better.